Hog Wild
by Sawnya
Summary: Oolong falls in love with a biker gang leader who loves drinking, smoking, and bikes in any order. Problem is, she doesn't know that he's a pig, and he's afraid that she won't accept him if she knew. But she has her own secret that she fears to reveal.
1. Chapter One: Oolong Finally Gets Lucky

**DBZ DISCLAIMER:** I do not own anything concerning DBZ or Oolong or Puar. Suiza and her gang the Leathernecks do belong to me personally, and I can't be held responsible for what they do, if you take them without asking me first. 

**A/N:** This is a sequel of sorts to my previous mini-novel, "Be Careful For What You Wish For", but this story can pretty much stand alone. This is an Oolong romance, and no, the girl in question is not Puar. I saw one Oolong/Puar, but that story had disappeared off of and I haven't seen any other stories then involving Oolong as the main character, let alone a romance.

If you are wondering where a certain redhead named Candy Apple comes into play, well, read "Be Careful" to learn more about her. She's not one of the main stars this time, although she is in here quite a bit. For those of you who don't know, Candy is Master Roshi's new wife who is pregnant with his child. Runs around with smelling salts to revive the readers who fainted at that sentence

And for Oolong's new amour, please read to the end of this chapter before you walk away; I promise that you will find this worthwhile, if you don't mind a romance story that isn't B/V or G/CC or V/P or whatever. Anyway, here we go!

This story takes place four months after "Be Careful" ends...

* * *

**HOG WILD  
**

**Chapter One: Oolong Finally Gets Lucky...Sort Of**

_At the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop And Biker Bar…_

"Candy, I don't know about taking up motorcycling," Master Roshi told his new wife, Candy Apple Roshi, was serenely patting her pregnant tummy. Candy Apple, the popular fashion doll that Master Roshi had wished to life and later married, was now eight months pregnant. She and her aged, still somewhat perverted husband already knew that the baby would be a boy, and they had already named him Kane.

She, Master Roshi and Oolong and Puar were out motorcycle shopping at the insistence of Candy, who now wanted a new motorcycle. Thanks to the money coming in from her job modeling lingerie for a maternity wear company, Candy and Roshi now had plenty of money coming in every month. Candy had the perfect body and looks for a model; like the Candy Apple fashion doll, she was tall, with perfect, round breasts, candy-apple red hair, sparkling emerald-green eyes, a curvy body, and legs that would not quit. The only thing that would set her apart from the doll was her bulging tummy.

She was currently dressed in her newest outfit: a black leather jacket with fringes on the front and black leather pants with slits on the ankles and rhinestones on the pockets. Long brown suede boots accentuated the outfit.

They were now at the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop and Biker Bar, currently inside the motorcycle shop. The store/bar was a large, roomy, converted duplex that resembled a huge shotgun shack. On one side of the building was the motorcycle shop, with a huge show window displaying two beautiful motorcycles. Biker, Harley Davidson, and Route 66 paraphernalia decorated the inside of the store and on the store shelves. Helmets, both old and used hung in neat rows on one side of the wall inside the shop. Leather jackets, pants, gloves and boots covered the wall opposite of the one holding the helmets. The floors were oak hardwood, clean, but well worn with a huge black and orange Harley Davidson mural painted in the center of the floor. On the wall behind the pine counter were framed pictures of motorcycle groups. A small trophy case filled with trophies for motorcycle racing also stood behind the counter. In the glass display case in the pine counter were shelves of fancy belt buckles and jewelry considered suitable for bikers.

Candy had her wild heart set on one of the bikes in the shop window, a brand-new shiny Harley Davidson motorcycle with chrome hubcaps. She knew that she couldn't ride it until after her baby was born, but she wanted to get one now, so that she and Roshi, who was not entirely enthusiastic with her idea, could learn how to ride it and work on it. She was currently admiring a twenty thousand dollar purple-and-black fantasy Harley that was trimmed with gold. And as a free bonus, it came with a matching helmet, which alone delighted the fashion-conscious Candy.

"I want that one," she told Roshi sweetly, pointing at the expensive motorcycle. Roshi's eyes bulged--not at the beauty of the bike, but the high price.

"Umm…Candy," he told her hesitantly. "Don't you think that maybe we should try for a bike that's...less costly, perhaps?"

Candy tickled Roshi under his chin. "We have more than enough money, darling!" she cooed. And then she leaned over and whispered in Roshi's ear, as she openly caressed his body with one slender hand, "And just think of what it would be like to make love on a Harley. We haven't done that yet!"

Roshi grinned lasciviously, suddenly having a fantasy of Candy dressed in leather stirrups, her bra and thong, sitting on the motorcycle with her perfectly shaped legs crossed, and himself dressed only in leather bikini men's underwear. (Okay, bad images…bad, bad images…)

He chuckled softly, and he looked at his new bride lustfully and said, "Well…I don't see how it could do any harm. In fact, let me tell you this fantasy that I just had of the two of us…" And he whispered his recent fantasy into Candy's eager ear.

Puar had heard them with her extra-sensitive hearing and squealed to Oolong in a whisper, "I wonder exactly what they _hadn't _done together yet."

Oolong, who had just returned from the restroom, was leaning in a corner, a little bored. No one except his friends would have recognized the shape-shifting pig at this moment, for Oolong was now in human form, a tall, bulky, handsome man, who almost resembled Nappa, Vegeta's former partner, except that he was a foot shorter than the deceased Nappa had been. Oolong, in his human male form, was dressed in blue jeans and a black tank top, hoping to attract women.

Oolong finally got his wish when a beautiful woman almost as tall as he was came from the back room. She had long, shimmering blond hair, a cape of gold draping over her back. She had piercing deep baby blues resting upon a creamy oval face. She also had a long, slender swanlike neck, with huge, perfect breasts even larger than those of Bulma and Candy. The young woman was dressed in a small black leather jacket decorated with silver spikes and Harley Davidson patches. The jacket was worn over a tight hot-pink tank top that showed off her wondrous mounds and a deep cleavage. Dark blue jeans hugged her hourglass figure and curvy hips, and they clung nicely to her long, tapered legs.

Oolong was openly drooling, and his drool was making a small puddle on the floor. The young woman didn't seem to mind though, as she pulled out a small, slender cigar with a wooden tip from her front jacket pocket. She lit the cigar casually with a skeleton-shaped brass lighter, and the smoke emitting from the little cigar smelled of cherry and vanilla. She then took out her cigar and said in a husky voice, "Hi, I'm Suiza Harvey, the owner of this shop and the bar next door. How may I help you today?" She took a puff on her cherry-and-vanilla cigar after she spoke, and rings of white smoke drifted away lightly from her mouth. Candy wrinkled her nose; she didn't care much for smoking, even though the scent of cherry and vanilla was sweet.

Meanwhile, Master Roshi was openly staring at Suiza's perfect body and drooling. His eyes were bulging when Suiza repeated her question, and then saying a bit curtly, "Hey old man, is it you or your lady who wants to buy something? What would you like to buy, if anything?" Her voice, slightly harsh, had a thick, breathy, quality to it.

A still drooling Roshi stammered, "Me and my wife would like to buy the cleavage--I mean the purple-and-black Harley in your shop window."

Candy glared at her husband darkly, and Suiza laughed, taking another puff of her cigar. Suiza asked, "And just what do you like best?"

"Those curves and lines…the shape of your sleek body--I mean of the Harley!" Roshi stammered too late. Candy frowned at him, and he looked down onto the floor, remembering once again that he was a married man.

"He means," Candy began edgily, "that the make and model of the vehicle is what we prefer. How many miles to the gallon?"

"A good thirty or forty, actually," Suiza replied, and then she took a better look at Candy. "Oh, man! I think I recognize you! You're that famous new maternity wear model, Candy Apple Roshi, am I right? A friend of mine's pregnant, and she mentioned you when she was looking through the Fulfillment Maternity Wear catalog."

Candy smiled then and laughed. "You've got it! Now, about that bike…do you mind if I climb into that shop window and take a closer look at it and inspect it?"

Suiza said, grinning, "Sure, why not? And while you're doing that, I think that I'll go help that other customer over there--the big, handsome hulky fellow with the floating kitty." She looked over directly at Oolong, who was anxiously looking at his watch. She did not know that the handsome fellow that she was admiring was worried because in approximately three minutes, he would go back into his natural form as a pig.

And now Miss Suiza Harvey was coming his way, sashaying casually past Candy, who was dragging an ogling Roshi closer to the shop window by his arm. Oolong was completely tongue-tied; he so badly wanted to say hello to her at least, but if he turned back into a pig before he could escape her…

"Hello, handsome," Suiza whispered gruffly to a trembling Oolong, who was now sweating because he only had one minute left before he went back to being a pig. "What's your name?"

Oolong stared at her gorgeous body with his mouth open, unable to speak a word. Finally, Puar squeaked, "He's a bit…shy, shall we say? His name's Oolong?"

"Ooooooh….long," Suiza purred, rolling the name off of her tongue like a ripe cherry. "I like it…different. Well, Oolong, I'm sure that you heard my name by now, Suiza Harvey. Are you interested in buying anything today, or do you just want to admire the merchandise?"

"I wouldn't mind admiring your merchandise," Oolong blurted out before he thought. His Nappa-like face suddenly reddened, and he panicked.

He quickly seized poor Puar by her tail and dragged her out of the shop and into the parking lot. Puar meowed loudly, as Oolong dashed behind a shed on the parking lot and hid them both behind it. After he automatically changed back into his natural form, he then released Puar's tail and seized the purple cat by her torso with both hands.

"Puar!" he cried desperately. "You have to do me a favor, please!"

"After you grabbed my tail?" Puar exclaimed indignantly.

"I'm sorry, really, I'm sorry!" Oolong said worriedly. "Please, Puar, I need you to go back in there, in the form I was just in-and talk to Suiza for me! I want to get to know her better, but she won't have anything to do with me, if she finds out that I am really a pig…"

"Who's as perverted as Master Roshi," Puar finished. "Marriage hasn't changed Roshi one bit."

"Please, Puar, pretty please!" Oolong begged, almost near tears. "I just need you to talk to her, get to know as much about her as you can! In the same form that I was in earlier. Please, please, please! I'd do it myself, but I can't keep any shape for more than five minutes, you know that!" He anxiously shook the small cat's body.

"Oh, all right!" Puar hissed. "I'll go talk to her, if you promise not to touch or grab me anymore today!"

"Thanks, Puar, I greatly appreciate this!" Oolong exclaimed excitedly, as he impulsively hugged her, squeezing her until he nearly broke her ribs.

"OOLONG!" she cried in an angry meow.

"Oh, sorry, so sorry! Now go talk to her! I want to know anything and everything about her, no matter what it is!"

"Okay, okay, just let me go, will you?"

* * *

_Back inside the motorcycle shop…_

Suiza was puzzled by Oolong's strange and sudden exit. She quickly sniffed her clothes and tested her breath to see if she smelled bad, but she didn't. Maybe it had been her cigar that had turned him off, although for the life of her, she couldn't imagine a bike shop customer being turned off by a little cherry-and-vanilla cigar…

Candy and Roshi were taking the bike for a test drive, after they had both effortlessly had lifted the bike out of the display case. Suiza had helped them wheel the bike outside, and Roshi was the one who had to drive. Candy, who was slender for someone who was eight months pregnant, climbed onto the back, with Roshi's help. Suiza frowned at this; she was not certain that it was safe for a pregnant woman to be riding on a motorcycle, but if the old man didn't go too fast, she probably would be okay. She hoped that the old man would be careful with her.

Roshi was now riding around the parking lot, and he was actually enjoying himself on the bike. Candy would have liked him to go faster, but there was the baby to be concerned about.

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" both of them yelled, as Roshi drove the bike around in circles.

"Hi, Suiza, sorry to run off like I did, but I had a sudden urge to answer nature's call."

"Oolong" was back, in his Nappa-like form, and Suiza looked at him a bit strangely, but then she laughed. "Oh, that's all right!" she said easily. "But you could have just used the restroom in here!"

"Umm…forget about that, sorry," "Oolong" (Puar) stammered. "Actually, I was just coming along with my friends, Roshi and Candy Apple. Candy insisted on buying a bike, even though she can't ride it until after her baby's born. Anyway…do you really own this shop?"

"That I do, that I do," Suiza said proudly. "Bought this old duplex and opened it myself just a year ago. It's been totally renovated, and it's doing well. Are you into motorcycle riding?"

"I'm about to be," Puar said as smoothly as Oolong could at times. "In fact, I had come along just to learn more about motorcycles. Would you mind telling a beginner such as myself about bikes?"

"Sure, why not?" Suiza said sweetly, just as Candy and Roshi were coming back towards her. Candy was waving a credit card.

"We'll take it!" Candy told her happily.

"I can't wait to ride Candy--I mean the bike--when we get home," Roshi said happily.

Suiza laughed at Roshi's fumbling. "Tell you what, you two! Since it's not everyday that I get a famous model, a crazy old man, and a handsome gent who can't find the potty on time all at once in here, I'm going to take off three thousand zeni off the bike. How's that sound?"

"Great, thank you!" Candy exclaimed happily.

"Yeah, thank you!" Roshi added joyously. "I can't wait to start getting miles out of my woman on this bike--er, I mean get some miles out of the bike…"

Suiza chuckled good-naturedly, as Candy handed her the check credit card. Suiza went back to the counter with Candy following her. After some paperwork and the showing of Candy's new motorcycle license had been done, Suiza finally charged the entire price of Candy's new bike on Candy's check card.

"Enjoy your bike!" Suiza told Candy and Roshi.

"We will," Candy assured her, tucking her arm in Roshi's. When they were outside of the motorcycle shop, Roshi then pulled out an empty capsule from his pocket and tossed it onto the floor. After a "poof" and a cloud of smoke, the entire motorcycle was encapsulated, and Roshi tucked the capsule containing the motorcycle back into his pocket.

"C'mon, Oolong, Puar!" he ordered his friends.

"Be there in a sec!" "Oolong" shouted to Roshi from inside the shop.

* * *

"I suppose that everyone's told you how lovely you are," Puar said smoothly as possible. Suiza chuckled. 

"Quite a few folks," she said. "You're a quiet fellow, aren't you? That's alright; I like men of all kinds!"

"Even pigs?" Puar asked before she thought.

"Even pigs, depending on the hog of course," Suiza told her easily.

"That's good," Puar told her. "'Cause Oolong sure will be happy to know that!" She then covered her mouth in horror before she thought.

Suiza's turquoise eyes widened just a bit. "What did you say? You just mentioned yourself in third person."

Puar knew that she had to think quickly. "I-I sometimes speak of myself in third person. Oolong is a man like no other, as you will find out if you get to know him."

Suiza chuckled, as "Oolong" stood near the counter. She offered "him" a cherry-and-vanilla cigar, which "he" took. Puar didn't like smoking, but she was curious if the cigar tasted as good as it smelled. She took a couple of puffs and began hacking and coughing thirty seconds after she did.

"HACK! HACK!" she gasped, and Suiza patted "Oolong's" back.

"Not used to cigars, I see," she laughed again. "Ah, well. Hey, listen, Oolong, I know that we just met, but I'd like to ask you out to dinner at my biker bar tonight. Anything you like would be on me since I own that as well."

"Even catnip?" Puar squeaked before she thought. Oh, Dende! Oolong wouldn't have wanted catnip!

Suiza fell over laughing again. "Well, catnip's not normally on our menu, but I can get you some by tonight! Don't be late, handsome!"

"I-I won't!" Puar told her. "What time?"

"Seven o'clock," Suiza said. "And pay no mind to my friends in there; they'll mess with you a bit, but they won't do anything bad. They just like to show off. You're an unusual fellow, but I like you already! See you tonight, Ooos, can I call you Ooos?"

"Sure, why not," Puar stammered. "Well, I definitely have to go now! See you tonight!"

And Puar, in her human male form, quickly dashed out of the shop.

* * *

_At five o'clock that evening…_

Suiza decided to close up early, so that she could head over to her own bar to meet her friends. She chuckled at the thought of that good-looking, but somewhat strange Oolong. She really did want to get to know him better, but would he want her once he learned her secret?

Suiza now stood in the restroom looking at herself in the mirror. She sadly traced a finger along the dusty bathroom mirror above the ancient white sink. She wondered if she and Oolong ever became closer, if he would want her-and like her the way she was.

She looked carefully at her reflection, but it was not a tall, busty blonde with long-lashed, sky-blue eyes that looked back at her.

Instead, in the mirror, was the same woman with the same blond hair and blue eyes, but much shorter. A shorter, plumper woman.

A shorter, plumper woman who happened to be a snow-white pig with a pink snout.


	2. Chapter Two: The Leathernecks

Chapter Two: The Leathernecks  
  
At about the same time at Kame House, Oolong's bedroom…  
  
"OOLONG, LET ME GOOOO!!" Puar shrieked, as her fellow shape-shifter hugged her fiercely.  
  
"You got me a date, Puar! I finally got a date, thanks to you!" Oolong exclaimed, finally releasing the crushed Puar and jumping up and down for joy. "So, what is she like?"  
  
"She likes to smoke," Puar said immediately. "She's already nicknamed you Ooos. And she says that she likes pigs, so you might have more than a ghost of a chance." She settled herself on the pillow-covered window seat in front of Oolong's only bedroom window.  
  
"All right!" Oolong yelled. He leapt onto his blue-covered bed, laid himself down, and grinned. "This is going to be easier than I thought. All I have to do is go to Suiza's bar looking like Vegeta's old partner, Nappa, just like I looked today, charm her off her feet, and I'm in!" He was trying to think of various clever lines to use on his new amour when Puar's next words brought him back to reality:  
  
"Um, Oolong, aren't you forgetting something?"  
  
"You're right, Puar!" Oolong said brightly. "I have to check to see later what kind of panties that she wears!"  
  
"CRASH!" Puar's small body tumbled off of the window seat in a faint. A few seconds later, when she recovered, she levitated into the air. "No, you perverted swine! That's not it!"  
  
"Then what else can it be?" Oolong wanted to know.  
  
Puar rubbed her aching feline head and sighed, "You can only maintain any shape for only five minutes! What are you going to do when you turn back into a pig right in front of Suiza? No offense, Oolong, but I don't know if any human would be willing to date a pig."  
  
Oolong's face fell. Puar was right; how was he going to be able to keep up his upcoming deception of him being a human man? He racked his porcine brains, trying desperately to think of a way to get in good with Suiza and continue to let her think that he was human. Then he grinned and said happily:  
  
"You'll come with me!"  
  
"NO!" Puar squeaked. "No way!" She had already decided that this sham had gone far enough.  
  
"Please, Puar, I really need your help!" Oolong begged. "I already have it figured out." (Actually he was making his plan up as he went along.) "You'll come as my…motorcycle! That'll save me the trouble of having to buy one myself, and a motorcycle will really impress Suiza! Then when Suiza's back is turned, you'll become my helmet! And-and then when it comes time for me to go back in my regular form, I'll go under the table for some reason, and then we'll switch places, and you'll be me for a while. Then we can switch back after a few minutes. What do you think? Will you help?"  
  
"The kind of help that you need, Oolong, I can't provide," Puar said, frustrated. "However, I'm sure that I can talk to Yamucha, and he can recommend a good psychiatrist…"  
  
"Please, Puar!" Oolong wailed. "I really, really like Suiza already, and I need your help! When you find a guy that you like, I'll do the same for you! Please, please, please, please!"  
  
"Oh, all right!" Puar grumbled. "I'll help you."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Suiza's cottage, right behind the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop And Biker Bar…  
  
Suiza, having used much of her inheritance from her deceased aunt's estate to start her biker bar and motorcycle shop, had opted to buy the small, apple green, two-bedroom cottage that was only a ten-minute walk from her businesses; she also owned the land that held all of her property. The cottage had a dark-green roof and shutters and door, and morning glory and ivy vines covered at least half of the little house, and there were three worn brick steps leading up to the door. A path of aged, round, mauve stepping-stones made a walkway to the door. Giant pine and willow trees embraced the tiny cottage, providing it constant shade.  
  
Suiza, in her blond-haired, blue-eyed human form, was getting ready for her date with Oolong in her tiny master bedroom. She was wearing a skin-tight pair of gray snakeskin pants combined with a crimson, low-cut tank top and matching headscarf that held back her golden hair. Large, silver hoops dangled from her ears, and a silver choker necklace was wrapped around her slender neck. Suiza applied her makeup heavily, using scarlet lipstick and silvery-gray eye shadow and mauve blush. She pouted her lips enticingly in her mirror and grinned at herself with approval.  
  
"Alright, gorgeous, now get up against the wall and tell me where the dough is!"  
  
Suiza jumped out of her fake human skin and impulsively charged towards the intruder. She managed to stop herself in time when she saw who had invaded her home.  
  
"Bigfoot! You moron, don't you know how to knock?" Suiza fumed when she saw the gigantic, six-foot, seven-inches tall, muscular, hazel-eyed man standing in the bedroom doorway. He was bald, except for a strip of black hair down the middle, which was braided into a long, thin braid. He had a large jaw line and fat, bulbous nose. His real name was Buford Biggs, but Bigfoot was aptly named because of his size sixteen feet; he had to have all of his shoes custom-made.  
  
"Yeah, sure I do, Suizy," Bigfoot gurgled and grinned. "You do like this." He demonstrated by knocking with his huge fist on Suiza's old walnut dresser.  
  
Suiza threw a blue pillow at him, and it smacked him squarely in his nose. She smirked to herself, however; Bigfoot was one of her oldest friends, a male friend, but never a boyfriend. He was like a brother to her.  
  
Despite Suiza's protests, she was used to her closest friends coming into her house without knocking or even alerting her that they were entering. At that moment, five more people pushed Bigfoot into Suiza's bedroom. One of them was twenty-five -year-old Sara Madelyn Tolliver, better known as "Sassy", was Suiza's best friend who was two months pregnant, but already looked as if she were eight. Sassy had rust-colored hair and huge eyes the same shade of green as the roof on Suiza's house, and she had a huge chest and wide hips, and like Suiza, she liked to wear skin-tight, skimpy outfits. Sassy also had seven piercings in each ear, plus a gold nose ring and a faux diamond tongue ring.   
  
On Sassy's arm was a thin, brown-haired, blue-eyed, freckled eighteen-year-old girl named Ruthie, who was completely blind. Ruthie was the gentlest and quietest out of Suiza's circle of friends, and most people who saw Suiza and her rambunctious friends hang out together wondered how Ruthie managed to fit in with that wild crowd. But they were good to her, and Ruthie lived with Sassy, who looked after her.  
  
Scanlon "Scam" Matthias was two years older than Ruthie, and he was usually in minor trouble with the law at least once or twice a year. Scam was tall and bony with dishwater blond hair, along with a pointed nose and brown eyes. Colorful tattoos decorated his skinny arms. He was always trying to figure out ways to make quick money for himself and his friends, even though most of his get-rich-quick schemes never worked out for long. He was however, a pro at making fake ID's and he was an expert tattoo artist by trade.   
  
Chubby, brown-eyed, red-haired, red-faced Gardner Handley, better known as "Handyman", not only because of his handyman abilities, but because he could not keep his hands to himself when it came to women. He was the group pervert, and he was always either trying to feel on girls or use corny pick-up lines on them. Handyman was Scam's best friend and usually helped him in Scam's numerous schemes.  
  
And last, but not least, there was Beulah "Blue" Mayes, the seductress of the group. Blue had shiny blue-black hair, deep blue eyes, and a tiny, petite figure, and she liked many, many men, preferably rich, handsome men who were muscular and generous and enjoyed a good motorcycle ride. Anytime the women in the group needed advice about men, Blue was the one they turned to, even though Blue was deemed by some people to be a slut. She and Scam had dated off and on, but they had never been serious about each other; they only saw each other when neither one of them had a significant other.  
  
All these people were part of a small, mostly harmless motorcycle gang known as the Leathernecks, of which Suiza was the official leader. Almost all of the Leathernecks liked beer, motorcycling, partying hard, smoking cigarettes and cigars, and making out, in any order. They also loved to rent videos, including cheap porn tapes, of which they would mock and make fun of during the playing. Ruthie was the "good girl" of the group, and abstained from everything except for beer.  
  
"I take it all of you went to the Bigfoot School Of Manners," Suiza told her friends. "Not one of you bothered to knock." Her friends grinned and smirked at each other; Suiza always gave them a hard time about not knocking, but she was mostly joking when she scolded them.  
  
"Sassy dragged me in!" Ruthie protested.  
  
Scam knocked on the doorway of Suiza's bedroom. "There, is that better?" he asked with a grin. The others, even Ruthie, imitated him.  
  
Suiza rolled her eyes. "You'll never change, Scam. None of you will. Anyway, does anyone have a light?"  
  
Scam whipped out a pack of Marlboro Menthol cigarettes and a gray Bic lighter. He lit himself a cigarette and tossed it to Suiza. Sassy then guided Ruthie over to Suiza's unmade bed and settled her down on it. Suiza handed her a lighter, knowing that Sassy was going to smoke a Camel Turkish Jade Light cigarette anytime now. Sassy lit her cigarette and refused a can of beer from Handyman, who then passed them around to everyone out of a twelve-pack of Michelob. Blue settled herself on the floor and lit a strawberry-flavored blunt.  
  
"Hey, you have any more of those?" Suiza asked.  
  
"Sure," Blue told her and tossed her one. Suiza took the lighter back from Sassy and lit her blunt. Ah, there was nothing like a flavored cigar!  
  
"Thanks," Suiza told Blue.  
  
"No prob," Blue said with a sly smile. "So, Suize, Sass tells us that you have a date tonight with some customer from your bike shop."  
  
"Well…he wasn't exactly a customer in my shop, more like a man I picked up," Suiza admitted, inhaling the strawberry aroma of her cigar. She explained the earlier day's events to her friends. "He's a funny fellow, but I like him already. His name's Oolong; I nicknamed him Ooos."   
  
"Oolong? What kind of a name is Oolong?" Scam scoffed.  
  
"A name I like, Scammeister," Suiza told him. "Now he's coming to the bar tonight, and I want all of you to go easy on him. He's new, I think, to our sort of life."  
  
"Hey, before you go anymore about 'Ooos', tell us about Candy Apple Roshi coming into your shop," Sassy insisted. "I wish I could look that good being eight months pregnant." She patted her heavily swollen stomach, sighing wearily. She already looked eight months pregnant; what would happen when she actually reached that point?  
  
"I can't believe a babe like Candy Apple Roshi would want to marry an old man like that hubby," Handyman jeered. "What can a doll like her possibly see in an old, wrinkled fart?"  
  
"You shouldn't talk, Handyman," Sassy mocked. "You'll be like him fifty years from now, but you won't have a sweet, young girl being all jealous of you! Actually, you're already like him now."  
  
"Haha, I've already got me a woman waitin' in the wings," Handyman told her.  
  
"How much did you have to pay her?" Bigfoot joked.  
  
Handyman glared at Bigfoot and threw an empty beer can at him. Bigfoot laughed.  
  
"Hey!" Suiza told him. "Don't mess up my room!"  
  
"Yeah, Suize, you just keep it so neat and clean," Handyman told, looking around her messy bedroom. Suiza was a great businesswoman, but she was not a neat freak. The rest of her home was currently in the same state as her room; she only cleaned once or twice a week. She kept her businesses cleaner than her house.  
  
"Me messing it up is one thing, H-Man. You messing it up is something different altogether," Suiza scolded him.  
  
"Hey, Suize, isn't it about time to go meet So Long, or whatever his name is?" Scam asked her. The red numerals on Suiza's digital bedroom alarm clock read six-forty-five.  
  
"Yeah, that's right!" Suiza told him. "I better run. Are all of you coming with me?"  
  
"To get to know So Long better? Sure, why not?" Scam told her.  
  
"Don't give him too hard of a time, please," Suiza implored him and the rest of her gang.  
  
"Whatever you say, Suizy Q," Bigfoot told her with a grin.  
  
"You know I hate it when you call me that."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Fifteen minutes later…  
  
Oolong in his "Nappa" form, only about a foot shorter, was very proud of himself and content. Puar, his motorcycle for the moment, was not so happy, especially since Oolong kept insisting on "driving" her around the parking lot in front of the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop And Biker Bar. Puar made a very nice looking motorcycle; "it" was a red-and-white Harley.   
  
"Can we do a wheelie?" Oolong asked her.  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Okay, okay!"  
  
Finally, when Oolong and Puar stopped, Suiza and her friends came out of the biker bar to see what was causing the noise made by Puar the motorcycle. Suiza ran over to Oolong in her high-heeled, black leather boots. "Sweet bike, handsome!" she told him. "When did you get it?"  
  
"Actually…I just got it," Oolong told her breezily. "That's why I was asking you about motorcycles earlier…I just got this one not too long ago, and I needed some advice on it."  
  
"We'll talk bike in my bar," Suiza assured him. "I want to introduce you to my gang, the Leathernecks!"  
  
"Did you say…gang?" Oolong asked and gulped.  
  
Suiza laughed. "Sure, Ooos, but it's not what you think. We just hang out together; I've known many of these kids for years." She casually introduced Oolong to the members in her gang, and all of them encircled the pig-turned-human and the cat-turned-motorcycle.  
  
"Pleased to meet you," Ruthie, resting on Bigfoot's arm, said sweetly.  
  
"Nice to meet you too," Oolong told her.  
  
"Suize has told us all she knows about you," Sassy told him. She then chuckled. "She told us that you like catnip." The others laughed, and Sassy said with a grin, "My lil sis, Ruthie here, has two kitties who regularly OD on the stuff; I'll bring you some of theirs next time we see you."  
  
"Catnip?" Oolong asked, puzzled. Then he remembered Puar. He whispered to his "motorcycle", "Catnip?"  
  
Puar was embarrassed, but there was nothing that she could do or say. After all motorcycles didn't talk.  
  
"Uh, thanks, sure, Sassy," Oolong told her. Sassy chuckled again.   
  
"Meow meow," she teased him.  
  
"I have a cat too," Bigfoot laughed. "I'll also bring you some catnip, along with a couple of cans of Nine Lives Tuna Delight. It's Hefty's favorite, you know."  
  
"No, Whiskas is better," Sassy insisted with a grin. "I not only have Whiskas, I have a wind-up mousie as well. I'll bring that by too."  
  
"C'mon, you two," Suiza told them. "Lay off."  
  
"Sure," Sassy told her, and she nudged Handyman, gesturing to him to do the same. Oolong was visibly relieved when the teasing stopped.  
  
"So, you're So Long," Scam said wickedly to Oolong.  
  
"That's Oolong," Oolong corrected him.  
  
"Leave him alone, Scammy," Blue ordered him. Blue slinked over to Oolong and casually danced her fingers along the white T-shirt under the black leather jacket that he was wearing.   
  
"Suize has great taste in men," she purred. "If you weren't Suize's date, I'd take you for myself."  
  
Oolong laughed nervously at Blue's advances. Sassy promptly pulled Blue away from him and led her over to Ruthie and Bigfoot.  
  
"You wanna a beer?" Handyman asked Oolong.  
  
Oolong didn't normally drink, but he didn't want to look like a wimp in front of Suiza and her friends, so he said, "Yeah, sure, why not?"  
  
"We've got Buds; that okay?" Handyman inquired.  
  
"Uh, yeah, sure," Oolong told them, and then a tiny beep emitted from his watch. He was horrified to learn from his timepiece that his five minutes were almost up.  
  
"So, tell us about yourself, So Long," Scam told Oolong.  
  
"Umm…I have to…go potty!" Oolong exclaimed in fear. He then nudged Puar with his foot and "started" her. "Gotta run, be back…in ten mins!" And with lightening speed, the Leathernecks were forced to disperse, as Oolong and Puar abruptly left and drove behind Suiza's duplex.  
  
"Strange fellow," Blue commented.   
  
"He had to go potty!" Scam mocked.  
  
"Has he ever heard of a john?" Bigfoot jeered.  
  
"Maybe he didn't know we had a public restroom," Ruthie offered kindly.  
  
"Or maybe he had to go home and get his potty chair!" Handyman sneered.  
  
"Or change his diaper!" Scam joked.  
  
"My granny left some Depends the last time she visited. I'll go home and bring some back for him, so he won't have to run away to take a tinkle!" Bigfoot laughed.  
  
"Alright, so he has a bladder problem," Suiza told them, trying to save face for Oolong. "He could have done it out here; leave him be. Y'all go in; I'll go find him."   
  
After her friends entered the bar, Oolong ,in human form once more, emerged quickly from the restroom, wearing a new motorcycle helmet. "Um, sorry to run off like that," he stammered quickly to Suiza, who was now near the bar entrance.  
  
Suiza chuckled. "No prob, Ooos, no prob at all. Only next time, use the restroom inside the bar, 'kay? Someone nearly got arrested on the property last month for urinating in public."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Oolong panted. "Will do that."  
  
Suiza put her arm around him companionably. "You'll be okay here, I promise. Let's go inside and have a few beers."  
  
Oolong gulped. "Sure thing," he told her, trying to smile. This was going to be a long night. Puar, now the motorcycle helmet on Oolong's head, thought the same thing. They both hoped fervently that all would go well for Oolong. Oolong kept watching his watch worriedly, as they entered the bar. 


	3. Chapter Three: When We Practice To Decei...

Chapter Three: When We Practice To Deceive…  
  
Suiza's biker bar had paneled wooden walls, a polished wooden floor, leather-covered booths, some round tables, and a long walnut wood bar that had numerous drink-making machines behind it along, with an octagonal, tiled mirror. Various imported and domestic liquors and beers were lined up in front of the mirror. Glasses ranging from beer mugs to wine glasses to goblets dangled from wooden racks that hung above the bar.  
  
The paneled walls were covered with Route 66, Budweiser, and Harley Davidson merchandise, an assortment of T-shirts, banners, hubcaps, pennants and other biker and motorcycling items. One half of one wall was decorated with pictures of the Leathernecks. Oolong would have liked to see more of the bar, but the air was drowning in cigarette and cigar smoke. The smoke was making his eyes tear.  
  
Suiza's friends, both Leathernecks and non-Leathernecks, were dancing, drinking, or smoking. Scam was currently trying his luck on the mechanical bull, a gift from one of Suiza's friends who owned a country/western bar. Everyone either cheered Scam on, or shouted hopes that he would fall off at anytime.  
  
Handyman was rubbing his reddened cheek after surviving a slap to his face from a young woman that he had bothered. "You'll want me one day!" he swore to the young blonde, as she stormed away from him.   
  
Handyman angrily walked outside for some fresh air. After Scam had finally fallen off the mechanical bull, he too followed Handyman outside, and Blue and Bigfoot joined him.  
  
Suiza led Oolong to the bar, and he casually sat down on one of the red leather bar swivel stools, as he noticed Sassy gesture Suiza to come to her. Sassy was on the other side of the room, lighting one of her Camel Turkish Jade Light cigarettes while waving to Suiza.  
  
"If she's pregnant," Oolong told Suiza, "shouldn't she quit those things?"  
  
"She should; we've all gotten on her about it," Suiza told him. "She's already tried to quit though several times, but with the stress she's been under lately, she just managed to cut down. Well, at least, she isn't smoking the full-flavor menthol cigs anymore. Course I'm in no position to judge her; I quit smoking cigs just five years ago, although I'll still occasionally bum one from one of my friends. Cigars are more my thing now, especially the flavored kinds. You ever want to smoke one, Blue has some really good strawberry blunts on her at the moment."  
  
"Suize, word with you please!" Sassy begged.  
  
"Comin', Sass, comin'," Suiza told her. She gave Oolong a companionable slap on his shoulder. "Be back, Ooos."  
  
Oolong watched her sashay over to Sassy, and he couldn't help but stare at her round, firm bottom that wiggled gently as she went to the other side of the bar. His timepiece then beeped again, and the frantic pig dashed outside with Puar on his head.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Oolong, how much longer are we going to be doing this?" Puar wailed, as they were shivering the chilly night air. Puar, still in her helmet form, was looking up nervously at the stars.  
  
"Not much longer," Oolong promised her. "Man, I wish now that I hadn't cheated in shape-shifting school now! Something told me that I was going to regret it one day. If Suiza were to find out that I was a pig, oh, she'd never want anything to do with me again!"  
  
Fortunately, a few minutes had passed, and Oolong was able to change back into his human form, but he did not do so just yet.  
  
"How much longer do you think that you're going to deceive her?" Puar wanted to know. "She doesn't seem stupid, Oolong. She would-"  
  
Before Puar could finish speaking, she noticed a strange sight on the side of the bar half of the building. A huge, lumbering bear was smoking a cigar, and a Siamese cat with piercing blue eyes and dark black tail, feet, ears, and face was licking her paws. A brown, warty, toad with glowing brown eyes tried to caress the cat's long, silky tail with his tongue, but the feline swatted at the toad with her paw and accompanying claws. The Siamese meowed angrily at him, and the toad quickly hopped away before she could pounce.  
  
The toad then hopped over to a weasel, which was rooting through the garbage. The toad croaked some words, and the weasel made a few weasel-like sounds of approval. The Siamese cat was now washing her face, as the bear easily pulled out another cigar from nowhere and began smoking again. From the distance, Oolong and Puar could tell that the cigar smelled of strawberries, and they saw the bear hand it to the Siamese, who took it into her paws and smoked a few puffs before giving it back.   
  
The weasel in the trashcan found a half-eaten turkey sandwich, which he tossed to the ground for his friends to share. The Siamese cat sniffed it experimentally before she took a nibble, but the bear seized it and took a giant bite. The bear then made growling, gurgling sounds that sounded the closest thing to bear laughter possible before giving the sandwich to the Siamese, who was hissing at him in disapproval. After the Siamese calmed down, it began to slowly nibble on the remaining turkey.  
  
"That looks good about now," Puar sighed. "I'm hungry, Oolong, I want something to eat. Can we go get some of that catnip?"  
  
"Yeah, you go ahead," Oolong told her; he had no desire for catnip. "I'll just take a turkey sandwich. Maybe I can share one with Suiza…nothing like food to bring a babe closer to you."  
  
"Spoken like a true pig," Puar groaned, as she and Oolong transformed themselves back into the human man and the helmet and went back inside.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey, Suize, can I ask ya somethin'?" Sassy inquired, putting out her cigarette.  
  
"What's up, Sass?" Suiza wanted to know.  
  
"Does Oolong know that you are a pig?"   
  
The new blush on Suiza's cheeks were not from the heavy makeup. "Not yet."  
  
"He's only seen you in human form, hasn't he?" Sassy asked.  
  
"Yep," Suiza replied.   
  
"How long do you plan to go on letting him think you're human?"  
  
"For as long as I need to, Sass," Suiza said snappishly, and Sassy drew back.  
  
"Hey, take it easy!" Sassy protested.  
  
"He isn't gonna accept me, if he finds out that I'm really a pig," Suiza told her.  
  
"Then you're better off without him," Sassy told her. "Look, Suize, so you were born a hog, big deal. We Leathernecks know what and who you really are, and we love ya anyway. You're twenty-seven-years-old, and you own your own businesses, and you graduated in the top ten of your class from Transfor Merr Shape-Shifting Institute. You've got plenty to offer a man and much to be proud of."   
  
"That might be, Sass, but you and I both know better. Most men go by looks, and how many men would date a non-human? I know I should tell him, Sass, but let me do it in my own time, okay? No need to reveal myself to him, if I know that he's not going to work out."  
  
"Well, if he doesn't, there'll be another guy 'round the corner," Sassy assured her, patting her pregnant tummy. "I can understand what you're going through though; you've only been broken up with Teal for one month, and my ex-boyfriend, Chuck, ditched me the moment he found out that he knocked me up! That prick hasn't so much as offered me a dime of support or even took any time to think about the baby."  
  
"You oughta hit him for child support, Sass," Suiza told her.  
  
"Can't sue him for anything 'til I get this bun out of my oven. Already named him though. Gonna call him Bruce, I think."  
  
"Bruce would be good," Suiza agreed. "Listen though, Sass, I gotta get back to my date. He's going think that I'm being rude." She waved to Sassy and left.  
  
"Have fun, Suize; give me all the details later!" Sassy called to her.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Milk?" Lester, one of the bartenders jeered to Oolong.  
  
"That's right," Oolong told him gruffly. "One milk and one OJ."  
  
"What do you think this is-a breakfast bar?" Lester told him, but he gave Oolong what he wanted. After Lester left, Oolong set his "helmet" on the bar and the helmet grew an arm and a mouth and began to gulp down the milk.  
  
But Puar the helmet had to cut her drinking short when Suiza came back, and all Suiza saw was a regular motorcycle helmet on the bar. Suiza put her arm around Oolong companionably and squeezed his shoulder.  
  
"Sorry to have left you for so long, handsome," she said throatily to him. "Just had to ask Sass something. So, anyway, do you wanna dance?"  
  
"Sure-sure, I do," Oolong stammered, as he tried to slide confidently off of his bar stool. But that ploy failed, because he would have fallen flat on his face, had Suiza not caught his arm. She laughed.  
  
"Don't worry, Ooos, you're not the first one to fall off of these stools, although you're the first one I know who's fallen off sober. You're not really much of a drinker, are you? I saw your milk and OJ."  
  
Oolong was visibly relieved. "Nah, no offense," he said as gruffly as possible. "Beer and stuff are just not for me."  
  
"A teetotaler, eh, or close to one? That's all right. Least one of us will always be sober. Well, anyway, let's dance." Suiza led him out to the open space between the bar and tables, and Oolong let her take the lead.  
  
"Hey someone put on a hard rock CD!" she called to her few employees.  
  
"You can hard rock with me anytime, babe," an oily voice called smoothly from near the door. Oolong and Suiza turned around to see a group of rough looking, leather-clad human bikers hanging around in and outside of the entrance to Suiza's bar.  
  
Suiza cursed, and Oolong paled in his human form. "Who are those guys?" he asked Suiza. Oolong especially stared at a tall, broad muscular man with a bright blue-green Mohawk on his head, a shade of hair color that matched his piercing eyes. He also had two gold nose rings, a worn leather vest that displayed his muscle-bound arms, and faded black jeans resting upon scruffy black leather boots.  
  
Suiza sighed heavily. "That guy," she told Oolong, pointing slightly towards the Mohawk man, "was my ex-boyfriend, Teal, leader of the Rumblers. We broke up a month ago, and he's been trying to get me back since."  
  
"Hey Suize!" Teal called confidently. "What's with the clumsy loser? Don't tell me your tastes have worsened since you left me! I hate to see that happen."  
  
Suiza pulled Oolong closer down to her. "He's twice the man you are…a real man. Go home before I call the police!"  
  
Oolong flinched at her referring to him as being "twice the man". How would he ever be able to tell her the truth?  
  
"Him a man? Right! He make look manly, but he's probably no more than a pig!" Teal jeered.  
  
Oolong blushed in his human form against his will. If Teal knew the truth…  
  
"Yeah, well if he is a pig…he's MY pig!" Suiza told Teal boldly. And with that statement, she pulled Oolong down to her and gave him a sudden, steamy kiss on his lips. Oolong melted; he couldn't help enjoying the moment, even though they had just met.  
  
But a certain beeping from his wristwatch warned him that the moment couldn't last for long.  
  
Oolong's heart froze. What was he going to do now? 


	4. Chapter Four: Nothing Is Ever What It Se...

A/N: I apologize to those who have been waiting so patiently for this chapter to come out; I did get into a bit of writer's block for a while there, but don't worry, there is no way that I am giving up on this or any of my other stories.  
  
I did make a small change in the story. Instead of Sassy being eight months pregnant, I went ahead and made her two months pregnant instead. You'll understand why after you read this chapter. And if you were confused about the animals hanging around the bar in the last chapter, this chapter will clear that up too.  
  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Chapter Four: Nothing Is Ever What It Seems  
  
"BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP!"  
  
Oolong panicked then, and he knew he had to get away quickly. As politely and speedily as he could, Oolong, in his human form, eased himself out of Suiza's embrace.  
  
"Suiza, I'm sorry, but I got to-go to the men's room, yeah that's it! Be back shortly!"   
"What, Oolong? What's going on?" Suiza asked worriedly.  
  
Unfortunately for Oolong, Teal had caught up to him in the few seconds that he had started panicking about his time being up. Before he could escape, Teal grabbed him by his leather collar and yanked Oolong towards him.  
  
"Teal let him go!" Suiza hissed.  
  
"Relax, Suize, I'm just going to take Oolong outside for a little chat," Teal told his ex-girlfriend smoothly.  
  
"Let me go, you thug!" Oolong cried, knowing that he only had twenty seconds before he would change back into his original form.  
  
"Sure I will, baldy, just as soon as we're done talking," Teal crooned. "I think I need to emphasize to you as to just who Suiza belongs to-ME."  
  
"Let him go!" Suiza snarled.   
  
Sassy came up next to Suiza and glared at Teal. "Teal, why don't you and your buddies go back to the rocks that you guys crawled out from under? Suiza doesn't want anything to do with ya, so get lost!"  
  
"This don't involve you, Sassy," Teal told her evenly.  
  
"Anything involvin' Suize involves me," Sassy retorted coolly.  
  
Oolong was struggling to get out of Teal's grip…oh it was going to be too late! He'd be busted for sure! Only seven seconds left!  
  
"Let me go now!" Oolong screamed at Teal. "Let me-"  
  
"ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! THIS IS THE POLICE! TEAL, YOU AND YOUR THUGS COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"  
  
Teal cursed angrily.   
  
"Look!" the fattest male member of Teal's gang called out the door. "I don't see no cops-"  
  
"WE'RE BEHIND THE BUILDING! COME OUTSIDE NOW, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ARRESTED!"  
  
And after that a siren echoed loudly throughout the starry night.  
  
Oolong wasted no time in pulling out of Teal's panicked, loosened grip. Hastily, he rushed towards the direction of the men's room.  
  
Only three seconds left…  
  
He opened the door to the men's room and dashed into a stall.  
  
One second…  
  
"POOF!"  
  
An exhausted pig in a worn, leather jacket and five-year-old jeans sank against the wall of the stall in immense relief. Tears of relief hung in his eyes.  
  
He was safe, and his secret was safe-for now.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Behind the building, Puar was rolling around on the ground in her natural cat form, laughing and squealing, as she listened to the panicked screams and shouts of the Rumblers racing to their motorcycles. She giggled, as she heard the whirring of motorcycle engines and the deafening squeals of rubber against concrete.  
  
Once the sound of the last of the escaping motorcycle faded away, Puar shook the dust from her fur and released a huge meow of relief. She hoped that Oolong had escaped in time.  
While Suiza had been kissing Oolong, Puar swiftly transformed herself into a housefly and flew out the door above the heads of Teal's fellow Rumblers. No one, whether Rumbler, Leatherneck, or guest, had seen a motorcycle helmet turn into a housefly because they had been distracted with all that had been going on.   
  
When Puar had made it to the safety of behind the building, she turned herself into a loudspeaker and then into a police siren in order to scare the Rumblers into thinking that the police were after them. Puar's ribs ached, as she once again burst into a fit of laughter.  
  
As she transformed into a housefly once more, she hoped that Oolong was okay. If she suspected correctly, Oolong would have tried to make it to the men's room instead of risking a beating at the hands of the Rumblers. Hoping that she was right, Puar the housefly reentered the building through an air vent that she hoped would lead her to the restrooms.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Bigfoot, Blue, Handyman, and Scam couldn't decide whether to be relieved that the Rumblers had left, to be worried that the police would come after them next, or to disappointed that they didn't get a chance to confront the Rumblers and teach them a lesson.   
  
Bigfoot had figured that Teal had come back with his buddies, so that Teal could try to convince Suiza to give him a second chance. He also was certain that Teal would have attempted to make mincemeat out of Oolong, if the police hadn't shown up. Blue, Handyman, and Scam had, along with Bigfoot, looked forward to a scuffle with the Rumblers to teach those morons a lesson about giving any of the Leatherneck members a hard time. But before the four Leatherneck members could confront any of the Rumblers, the police had scared the Rumblers away.  
  
While the Rumblers were fleeing the property, Bigfoot had ordered his fellow Leathernecks to get to the side of the building and wait, just in case the police decided to come after the Leatherneck members as well.   
  
A few minutes after the Rumblers had departed, only Blue had enough nerve at that time to actually look behind the building, and when she did, she saw nothing. She could have sworn that she had heard a strange mixture of meows and laughter earlier, but the source of those noises seemed to have vanished without a trace.  
  
Blue shrugged it off; the situation was strange, but the important thing was the Rumblers were gone now. As she slinked back gracefully to join her friends, she noticed that Suiza, Sassy, and Ruthie had joined the others.  
  
An angry, embarrassed Suiza was calling Teal a variety of colorful, unladylike names that would have made even the foulest-mouthed of radio talk-show hosts blush. Sassy added a few nasty insults about Teal that included a wide assortment of raunchy terms referring to his most cherished body part below his belt. Ruthie was talking in soothing tones to try to calm down both her sister and Suiza, but both women seemed intent in relieving their fury verbally, no matter what.  
  
"That bastard ruined my date with Oolong!" Suiza roared, after she had exhausted her almost endless supply of obscene words.  
  
Having ended her insults before Suiza, Sassy patted Suiza's back sympathetically. "Look, Suize, at least you got one kiss from Oolong before he dashed off to use the potty for the hundred-and-fiftieth time this evening. Just the look on Teal's face was worth it, even if the police did show up and scare him and his buddies off."  
  
"We're sorry that we didn't step earlier, Suize," Bigfoot replied regretfully.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Suiza assured him gruffly. "You guys couldn't risk it with the cops being so close. If I remember correctly, you and Scam are still on probation from the last things you guys were convicted of. And I think that Handyman's just finished his for indecent exposure when he mooned the Hercule Satan Fan Club last year. I'd hate for you guys to wind up back in trouble with the law again."  
  
Handyman smirked at the memory of showing his rather fleshy behind to a crowd of shocked Hercule-worshipping girls just a year ago. But it wasn't so much the mooning that horrified the Hercule groupies as much as the professionally drawn cartoon on Handyman's exposed buttocks. The cartoon, although expertly drawn, had displayed an obscene picture involving Hercule, Perfect Cell, and a vulgar sex act between the two that used the now-deceased Cell's life-draining tail in a way that nobody on Earth would have ever believed possible. Scam chuckled as he remembered that day; he had taken great pride in sketching that lovely moment between Cell and Hercule.  
  
"Hey, relax, Suize," Scam, still chuckling, told her. "Handyman and I just thought that day that we should tell what really happened between Hercule and Cell!"  
  
"After all, the truth will set you free!" Handyman laughed.  
  
Suiza then allowed herself to smile. She and her fellow Leathernecks were among the minority of Earthlings who didn't believe that Hercule had truly defeated Cell. They honestly felt that if Hercule had actually been strong enough to destroy the monstrous android, he would have done so long before the televised Cell Games. And where had he been when Cell had taken all those other lives such a long time ago?  
  
"Well, in that case, Hercule's definitely been living in a glided cage! I suppose if I had a life that cushy, I wouldn't want to leave that cage either," Suiza quipped.   
  
"Yeah, same here," Sassy agreed.  
  
"Well, guys, I better get back inside," Suiza told her friends. "I've hardly spent any time with my date tonight, and I feel bad about it."  
  
"It'll be alright, Suize," Sassy assured her. "I think I'll go back inside with you 'cause it's getting chilly out here."  
  
"Suiza! Are you out here? It's me, Oolong!"  
  
Suiza jumped out of her skin at his voice. Who ever thought he'd come back so soon? Well, she was glad that she hadn't changed back into her  
  
"I take it potty-boy's returned," Scam snickered. Suiza glared at him darkly, and Scam muttered a quick apology.  
  
"Hold on, Oolong, I'm comin'!" Suiza shouted back. Out of the corner of her blue eye, she saw her tall, muscular date in the doorway. "Can you go get us a table? I'll be there shortly!"  
  
"Yeah, sure, Suiza!" Oolong called to her, and he turned around and went back inside.  
  
"Are you guys coming in?" Suiza asked her friends.  
  
"Um…nah," Bigfoot replied. "I think we'll hang out here for a while, make sure that no more troublemakers like Teal and his bunch show up."  
  
"Suit yourselves," Suiza told them, and she left to go back inside.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
An hour later…  
  
Oolong and Puar had finally managed to work out a successful plan, and so far it was working. Between them, they had concocted a scheme that had helped Oolong to take less "potty breaks" and be able to spend more time with Suiza.  
  
Suiza had been unusually quiet for the past hour, although she had made polite conversation with Oolong. Oolong had apologized to her earlier, and Suiza had told him not to worry about it. Oolong felt like a heel for not being able to stand up to Teal. What must she think of him? Maybe she was mad; sometime women didn't always say just what they were thinking.  
  
But at least, he didn't have to leave Suiza so often now, although he knew that Suiza was now wondering why he had to scratch his ankle so often or frequently dropped items to the floor. Every five minutes, Oolong would bend down below the table, and he would come back up after a minute. Suiza was puzzled by this behavior, but she figured that maybe Oolong just had an unusually scratchy ankle and extremely poor hand coordination. She had jokingly called Oolong "butterfingers" every time he dropped his fork or napkin or some other random item on the floor. After that crack, both of them laughed, and Suiza's mood lightened considerably.  
  
But what Suiza didn't know was that every five minutes, she would actually be talking to Puar instead of Oolong. Puar, in Oolong's human form, would distract Suiza while Oolong hid under the table, well out of reach of Suiza's swinging feet. Oolong would wisely use that time to admire Suiza's gorgeously shaped human legs until he could safely transform back into the Nappa-like form that Suiza had come to know.  
  
And Suiza also didn't know that when she spread her legs under the table, Oolong would shrewdly take a quick peek at her panties. This evening, she was wearing a blue, sequined thong. At this moment, Oolong was studying what he could of Suiza's panties, and he could barely keep himself from drooling. Suiza was definitely a babe all right!  
  
Suiza was questioning Puar, "So, Oolong, how did you like the beer-battered popcorn shrimp? I have a pretty good cook, eh?"  
  
"You sure do," Puar said in her best imitation possible of Oolong's human male voice. "I like this shrimp as much as I do catnip."  
  
She squeaked when she felt Oolong lightly punch her leg for mentioning catnip again. Indignantly, she kicked Oolong back, right in his stomach. Before he could stop himself, Oolong cried out in a rough groan.  
  
"What was that?" Suiza asked, alarmed.  
  
"Oh, it was…me," Puar said quickly.  
  
"I didn't see you cry out," Suiza pointed out.  
  
Puar laughed nervously. "Oh, no, Suize, I just broke wind. Please excuse me."  
  
Suiza laughed. "The shrimp gave you gas, eh?"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
At that moment, Puar felt a tug on her humanlike leg, and she knew that was the signal for her and Oolong to change again. "Um…excuse me again, there goes that ankle of mine…pesty thing," Puar commented, as she bent down below the table again to "scratch her ankle".  
  
Within less than a minute, the real Oolong, in his fake human form, had returned. "Ah, that felt better."  
  
"If I could, I'd give you a new ankle," Suiza said with a smile. "You're a strange fellow, Oolong, but it's been a while since a guy made me laugh. Teal used to be able to do that, but then…oh, never mind."  
  
"You can tell me, if you want," Oolong told her.  
  
"Nah, Teal's my past now, Ooos, but like any past, he comes back to haunt me every now and then. Don't really care to discuss him anymore for the rest of the night, if you don't mind."  
  
"No prob," Oolong told her easily. "So, Suiza, can I ask how you managed to open up a biker bar and a motorbike shop?"  
  
Suiza smiled. She was about to tell him when a song started to play. It was called, "The Flame", her personal favorite song by the group, Cheap Trick. Well, it actually used to be her second favorite; her first favorite used to be a love song that she and Teal had once declared to be "their" song, but whenever that one song played, she would tune it out and ignore it the best that she couldn't.  
  
But she did love "The Flame", and she suddenly felt an urge to slow-dance. She held out her hand to Oolong and said in a soft tone for her, "May I have this dance with you?"  
Oolong was then torn between wanting to accept her invite and wanting to flee. What if he couldn't escape from her in time when his five minutes were up?  
  
"Please, Ooos," Suiza pressed. "This is my favorite song."  
  
"I'm not that great of a dancer, and-"  
  
Suiza laughed then. "Don't be so shy, Ooos!" And before Oolong could confer with Puar on how to handle the situation, Suiza seized him by his wrist and yanked him out of his chair. "Just another dance, just one, please?"  
  
"O…kay!" Oolong cried out, as Suiza pulled him into her embrace. She nestled herself against him, and she and Oolong swayed to the music slowly, taking a few steps every now and then.  
  
She felt so right against him, and Oolong became more relaxed, as Suiza laid her blond head against his chest. He loved the feel of her soft, bouncy bosom squashed nicely against his human chest.  
  
He dared to hold her closer, and he murmured, "Suiza, I'm sorry that I haven't been the best date tonight."  
  
"Don't worry 'bout it, Ooos, no biggie," Suiza murmured lazily. "If anything I should apologize for what you went through earlier tonight with Teal. I should have known that prick would show up; he always seems to find out when I'm with another man. It's like he has a sixth sense or somethin'. But his problems are no longer mine to worry with. I'm with you on a date now, not him. And when we have managed to spend time with each other, you've always managed to keep me on my toes or entertain me. I'm surprised you don't already have a girl."  
  
Oolong chuckled nervously. "Guess I was waiting for you to come along."  
  
Suiza laughed with him, and Oolong smiled; Suiza had such a great laugh, throaty and deep, with a trace of velvetiness to smooth out the rough tones.  
  
"Hey, why don't we do something again Saturday?" Suiza suggested. "We can go to the movies, and I guarantee that this time it'll be just the two of us."  
  
"Hey, yeah, sure," Oolong agreed happily before he thought.  
  
"Let's see Bulletproof, that movie with that ex-gangster forced to become a spy for the CIA. Blue and Scam tell me that's the best action movie this year so far."  
  
"Works for me," Oolong told her. He was a bit surprised though that she wanted to see a "shoot-em-up" movie like that. Most women he knew, such as Bulma and Chichi, usually preferred romantic "chick-flick" films. But hey, whatever turned Suiza on…finally, a woman who liked movies clearly made for men!  
  
He closed his eyes, holding Suiza closer. He was thankful that she was still happy about seeing him…he was afraid that he had blown everything as far as dating her went. He allowed himself to unwind even further, as he dared to run his fingers through her hair.  
He was so at peace that only a certain beeping from his watch could bring him back to reality…  
  
"Oh no!" Oolong exclaimed.  
  
"What's wrong?" Suiza asked worriedly.  
  
"I left my wallet at the table, and I don't see it there-yeah, that's it! Be right back!"  
  
"No one's going to take your wallet!" Suiza cried, but Oolong abandoned her anyway to go back to their table. To Suiza's astonishment, Oolong dived under the table, and the table began to shake, followed by a series of indignant sounds that sounded strangely like a cat meowing. Two minutes later, "Oolong" reemerged from under the table, and "he" dusted himself off casually. "He" then tucked "his" wallet back into a pants pocket, and he strolled lightly over to Suiza.  
  
Puar was growing tired of this charade, and she decided then and there that it was time for her and Oolong to call it a night, whether Oolong liked it or not. In her best "Oolong-the-human-man" form, she smiled apologetically as she approached Suiza.  
  
"Hey, Suize," the cat-turned-pig-pretending-to-be-human began. "I hate to cut things short, but I have to call it a night. I'm supposed to meet some friends of mine tomorrow in the morning. Can I call you?"  
  
"Sure," Suiza told Puar, looking at her oddly. "Looks like I met myself an early bird."  
  
"Cat," Puar corrected before she thought. And then she paled in her human form.  
  
"Cat, eh?" Suiza wheezed in laughter. "You sure are a funny fellow, Oolong. Well, night-night, kittykins! Save me some of your catnip, will ya? Sorry I didn't get to bring you any tonight, but I will next time. Adios, amigo!"  
  
"Night, Suiza, I really did have a good time with you," Puar told her as sincerely as possible.  
  
"So did I," Suiza replied smoothly, and she leaned up and kissed "Oolong" chastely on "his" cheek. "By the way, I apologize for kissing you the way I did in front of Teal and his bunch earlier. I was just doin' it to prove to Teal that I moved on without him, and that I could see whichever man I wished. But I did like kissing you on the lips there, even though I normally wait a few dates before doing that. Again, you have a good-night."  
  
"Night-night, see ya!" Puar called as she walked away quickly. She then crawled back under the table, again to Suiza's surprise. When Suiza saw her date again before he left, Oolong was wearing his "motorcycle helmet".  
  
That was odd? Hadn't Oolong left his helmet on the bar earlier?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Outside of the bar, four creatures had been watching through the front picture window. The bear was scratching his behind with one paw and smoking a blueberry cigar with the other. The Siamese cat was also smoking a blueberry cigar, and the toad was feasting on a June bug while the weasel was holding a crippled Japanese beetle in his paws, toying with it. All four animals had been observing the remainder of Suiza's date with the bizarre Oolong, and they had been laughing loudly.  
  
They laughed even louder when, halfway out in the parking lot, Oolong's watch had beeped again. A frantic, helmeted Oolong, had hurried to the safety of the side of the building and disappeared. Moments later, he had reappeared on the same bike that he had came on and sped off into the night.  
  
Yes, it seemed possible that four animals could laugh like humans, but this quartet was no ordinary group. The Siamese was purring delightedly, as she watched a handsome biker enter the bar, and she was wondering how she could seduce him. The weasel had his mouth near the hidden ear of the toad, as if whispering a new scheme to him. And the giant bear was relieved to see Sassy Tolliver come out of the bar, carrying a pitcher of beer and five mugs.  
  
Sassy filled the mugs with beer and passed a mug to the bear. The bear used one paw to hold the mug, and he easily gulped down the beer in four gulps. Sassy shook her head at him, as she passed the filled mugs out to the other three animals.   
  
The Siamese lapped up her beer elegantly, with the normal feline grace of her species. The toad greedily slurped his beer with his long tongue, and the weasel actually wetted his entire face drinking the beer. The toad and the weasel consumed their beers within less than two minutes. Sassy shook her head at them.  
  
She commented with a sigh, "And to think that Suiza's the only one out of us who's really a pig! Sometimes, with you two around, I wind up thinking we have more than one hog."  
  
"Hey, can we help it if this stuff's the best domestic around," the toad quipped in a gruff human voice.  
  
"That's right, Handyman, and I'd sure love another one," the weasel agreed in voice smoother than cream.  
  
"You two are the real pigs," the Siamese told them contemptuously. She meowed huffily at the weasel, "Scam, at times like this, I wonder why I still go out with you every now and then."  
  
"'Cause, my Blue Baby, you don't know any other weasel that can please you between the sheets when in human form," the weasel remarked, and he laughed when the Siamese rewarded him with an indignant swipe.  
  
"How are you feelin', Sass?" the bear asked her. "I saw you sitting near the bar earlier, holding your back."  
  
"No biggie, Bigfoot," Sassy assured him. "It's just the weight of little Brucie in my tummy here, that's all. But don't think I won't be thankful when I have this pup! It's hard enough being pregnant when I'm in my natural form."  
  
"Well," Blue the Siamese told her, "if I were you, I'd be thankful that Chuckie only put one pup in your belly. It could have been four or five."  
  
"And you oughta cut down on the cigs more, Sass," Handyman the toad dared to add. Sassy cut her eyes at him.  
  
"I'm tryin' to cut down the best that I can!" she snapped. "Listen, H-Man, you try carrying a pup for two months and see how easy it would be for you to quit! I'm down to half a pack a day, a lot better than before."  
  
"Well, you'll be giving birth soon," Bigfoot told her comfortingly.  
  
"Yeah, but I do wish that Chuck had stuck around," Sassy sighed. "And this pup will be a mixed breed…ah, well, will still be my baby. I do miss his father on occasion, even if he was a tomcat in a Doberman's body…oh, I'm sorry, Blue, I didn't mean to offend-"  
  
"None taken," Blue assured her easily. "Most tomcats I've met aren't much different than your Chuck."  
  
"Sad break you got there, Sass, a pretty gray-and-white Siberian husky such as yourself getting mixed up with a Doberman," Scam told her with unusual sympathy.  
  
"It's my fault, Scam," Sassy said. "I figured foolishly, that I could find happiness with another shape-shifter, especially since he was naturally a dog like myself. I hope Suiza has better luck than I did."  
  
"Yeah, so what does everyone think of Oolong?" Handyman asked.  
  
"He's weird," Scam said bluntly. "I oughta recommend my urologist to him."  
  
"He does have a bladder problem," Bigfoot added. "But Suize seemed to be quite taken with him for some odd reason."  
  
Blue said, "Odd fellow, but Suiza's dated stranger guys. Everyone remember the time that she dated that human before Teal, the one who turned out to be planning to have a sex-change operation-and wanted Suiza to get one to change herself into a man?"  
  
The others chuckled and snickered.  
  
"Yeah, but he might be too odd," Bigfoot commented. "And Suiza got hurt before by that last guy. I'll never forgive Teal for what he did to her."  
  
"Neither will we," Sassy agreed. "And while I found myself liking Oolong in a way 'cause he is funny, we've got to keep an eye on him. He seems to be very secretive, and I don't think all those 'trips' are potty breaks."  
  
"Yeah, we can't let Suiza get hurt again," Blue replied. "We know virtually nothing really about Oolong except that he has either an overactive bladder or a strange habit."  
  
"He's hiding something," Sassy asserted. "I could tell. We've got to find out what he's up to, and if it's something that could wind up hurting up Suiza, we've got to put a stop to it."  
  
"Do you think it's really necessary to be that worried, Sass?" Handyman questioned. "Just because Oolong is weird doesn't necessarily mean he's dangerous."  
  
"You're right, H-Man, but we can't take that chance," Sassy told him. "Look, it'll probably turn out that Oolong has an overactive bladder and nothing more, but we have to make sure that's all that is."  
  
"So, are we gonna spy on him or somethin'?" Scam inquired.  
  
"Not quite yet, Scammeister," Sassy told him. "We'll wait until after the Saturday date that Suize has with Oolong. And don't any of ya mention this conversation to Suiza, not yet. I'm gonna try to find out where he lives, so I'm headin' back inside. I gotta check on Ruthie anyway."  
  
Sassy looked over at Suiza drinking a beer at the bar. Ruthie was with her, sipping a strawberry daiquiri. Suiza and Ruthie were talking in hushed tones as Sassy approached them. She looked warmly at the two people, besides her unborn child, who meant the most in the world to her. Sassy was as protective of Suiza, as she was of Ruthie.  
  
No matter how funny or interesting Oolong was, if he was hiding something, Sassy intended to find out. Sassy thought for a moment that perhaps she was taking things to extremes, but she then dismissed the idea.   
  
After all, in her eyes, Suiza's welfare came before Oolong's right to privacy.  
  
And being a shape-shifter, Sassy knew from first-hand experience that nothing was ever what it seemed. 


	5. Chapter Five: To Tell Or Not To Tell

Chapter Five: To Tell Or Not To Tell…That Is The Question  
  
That same night…  
  
"No way, Oolong!"  
  
"Aw come, Puar, puh-leeeeeeze!"  
  
"No! This has gone far enough, Oolong! You're telling Suiza the truth!"  
  
"Puar, I can't, you know that! No human woman's going to want to date a pig; you told me so yourself," Oolong protested, as he skimmed through one of Roshi's less prurient porn magazines while he lay back on his blue satin-covered bed. Puar was resting on the footboard of his bed.  
  
Puar crossed her purple arms. "Just how much longer do you plan to keep this charade up?"  
  
"I-I don't know. I guess until I'm for certain Suiza really, really likes me. Then maybe when I tell her the truth, it won't matter," Oolong replied hopefully.  
  
"You should have told the truth from the beginning," the feline scolded.  
  
"I know, Puar, I know, but it's too late for that now. Look, I finally found a woman who doesn't run screaming in the other direction when I come near her. I haven't been that popular with women since I used to kidnap those girls from that village I used to terrorize. And those girls only wanted me then for what I could give them, which was why I had to constantly blackmail those villagers. Haven't you ever been in love, Puar?"  
  
Before Puar could answer, she heard someone pawing and struggling with Oolong's one bedroom window. She meowed in fear.  
  
"Someone's trying to break in!" she squeaked.  
  
"Stay here, Puar," Oolong ordered, as he crept to the window as bravely as possible.  
  
"Oh, Oolong, what if he has a gun?" Puar asked worriedly.  
  
"Then we'll transform ourselves into bulletproof vests, okay?" Oolong said a bit impatiently, as he spotted a dark figure clad in black wearing a ski mask. Oolong transformed himself into his Nappa form and stomped closer to the window. He swiftly unlocked the window and shoved it open. Puar caught up to the window and now hesitantly hovered behind her friend.  
  
His porcine jaw dropped when he saw a short, medium-built man, struggling to hold onto the window ledges. "Oolong, is that you?" the man asked.  
  
Oolong's jaw dropped lower. "M-Master Roshi?"  
  
"Why are you trying to break into your own house?" Puar squeaked, puzzled.  
  
Master Roshi slapped his forehead. "Oh no! I broke into the wrong bedroom! I was supposed to break into my own, you see. Now I'm going to have to climb back down and start all over again."  
  
"Why would you break into your own bedroom, old man?" Oolong asked, astonished.  
  
Roshi chuckled nervously. "Well, you see, me and Candy were playing one of favorite games…Burglar. See, I pretend to be a burglar breaking into Candy's bedroom, and Candy is shocked to see me, and I demand she take off her clothes. So I strip too, and Candy sees how incredibly good-looking I am, and then she literally begs me to take her, and-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, old man, we get it. You and Candy are doing one of your role-playing games again. Well, go do it somewhere else!"  
  
"Well, look at it this way, Oolong," Puar told him. "At least it's better than when they were playing Tarzan and Jane."  
  
Oolong made a sour face at the mention of the last favorite role-playing game that Roshi and Candy had been playing. Roshi and Candy had spent weeks with their jungle game until Roshi made the mistake of tying a vine to his television antenna on the roof and swinging like the real Tarzan. Unfortunately Roshi's last stint in that role had been more George Of The Jungle than Tarzan when the poor old man crashed into his favorite palm tree and won a major concussion for his efforts. After that, Candy, fearing for her husband's life, had put a halt to any more Tarzan and Jane games.  
  
Roshi laughed. "Umm…well, I'll climb down my ladder and go break into mine and Candy's bedroom now. Can't disappoint my future captive. See you two! Have a good night."  
  
Oolong and Puar told him goodnight politely, both relieved to see him leave. And Roshi would leave all right-but not quite in the way he had expected.  
  
"BOOM! CRASH!"  
  
"Ow! Ohhhh!" Roshi cried, rubbing his now swollen head, as he lay in the sand below Oolong's window. The ladder, which had been unsteadily set when he had first climbed it, had slipped and plummeted to the ground, bringing a terrified Roshi with him.  
  
"Are you okay?" Oolong shouted.  
  
"I…think so…" Roshi groaned.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
The next morning, Kame House living room…  
  
"Roshi, darling, I think we need to find some safer role-playing games," a very pregnant Candy told her husband worriedly, as she checked the numerous bandages with which she had wrapped his head. "The next time we do 'Burglar' could be your last."  
  
"But I love our role-playing games, my dear!" Roshi protested.  
  
Sitting on the couch, Juuhachigou sighed, as she brushed Marron's hair, "Can't you two just have old-fashioned bedroom activities, like most couples?"  
  
"But our games really spice up our love life," Roshi insisted, as Candy changed the bandages on his bald head. "And Candy and I are trying to get all we can before Candy has the baby…'cause after that, we'll have to wait six long weeks before we can get any again."  
  
"Get any what?" Marron wanted to know, hugging herself in her pink nightgown, as her mother drew some of her blonde hair into a short, cute pigtail.  
  
"You know…" Roshi began, but the warning looks of both Candy and Juuhachigou prevented him from elaborating any further. Juuhachigou put the second of her daughter's two pigtails in her hair and released her, but Marron still sat on the couch.  
  
Krillin, Umigame, Oolong, and Puar entered, with Umigame and Oolong snickering openly. Puar meowed a yawn; she had just spent the night at Kame House, and she was waiting for Yamucha to come by and pick her up to take her home.  
  
"You feeling any better, Master Roshi?" Krillin asked. "I heard that was quite a fall you took."  
  
"Well, that's one burglar that won't be raiding this house," Umigame commented, chuckling. Roshi shot his oldest friend a deadly glare.  
  
"Listen, Turtle, just because you don't have a gorgeous wife like Candy to love and enjoy every night, doesn't give you the right to be so jealous!" Roshi scoffed. "Besides, when's the last time that you got any?"  
  
"Got any what?" Marron inquired.  
  
"Ice cream," Krillin interjected quickly. He held out his arms to his daughter. "How does rocky road sound?"  
  
"Great!" Marron exclaimed happily, running into her father's arms.  
  
"No," Juuhachigou said firmly. She raised an eyebrow at her husband, looking at him sternly. "Ice cream is not for breakfast. Marron can have waffles, strawberries, and whipped cream."  
  
"I want that then!" Marron cried. "Please?" she added, after seeing her mother's reminding look to use her manners. Her mother nodded her consent, and Oolong and Krillin quickly licked their lips to remove the evidence of the rocky road ice cream they had eaten minutes ago.  
  
Juuhachigou looked at Oolong and smirked. "I heard someone had a date last night! How'd it go?"  
  
"It went great!" Oolong gushed. "Even though we had a few problems…" Within twenty minutes, he told everyone his story.  
  
"And she still doesn't know that you're a pig?" Umigame asked with concern after Oolong had finished his tale. "Oolong, you really need to tell her the truth."  
  
"No way!" Oolong exclaimed. "She won't want to go out with me then!"  
  
"Well, if that's true, then she's not worth your time," Roshi told him. "Just be honest with her. You can't keep your true identity from her forever."  
  
"Yeah, I can," Oolong argued. "With Puar's help, of course."  
  
"I'm not getting further involved!" Puar shrieked. "Oolong, just tell her the truth! What's the worst that can happen?"  
  
"That she won't want me," Oolong replied snappily. "And I really, really like her!"   
  
"If you like her, then she has the right to know the truth," Candy told him firmly. "The right woman…or pig…or whomever…will love you for who you are on the inside."  
  
"Candy's right," Roshi told his friend. "Look at me, Oolong. I never thought that I would be so lucky as to have a woman who loves me…and now I've got my Candy. And thanks to her, I'm going to be a daddy! I'm the luckiest old man in the world!" He looked at his wife adoringly, like he was a schoolboy. Candy's heart melted, and she ran a slim finger along his aged jaw line.  
  
"See," Umigame said to Oolong triumphantly. "If a dirty old man can find true love, then so can you." Roshi cut his eyes at him.  
  
"Yeah, if Master Roshi can get a beautiful woman to want him, then you should be able to," Puar added brightly.  
  
"I'm afraid though," Oolong admitted. "I don't want to blow my chances with her by revealing who I really am." His voice suddenly grew sad. "I mean what am I really? Just a pig, a semi-perverted hog who can change his shape for only five minutes, with no job, nothing of real value, except for a huge panty collection. As for her, she owns her own businesses as well as leads a motorcycle gang; she's a success, and I'm not. What can I give her?"  
  
"You can give her some of your panties," Marron offered innocently, and all the adults laughed, even Oolong.  
  
Krillin patted Oolong's back kindly. "You have more to offer than you think. Just tell her the truth; if she doesn't want you then, there'll be other women."  
  
Oolong stood up tall, for his short height. "You know what, everyone here is right! I am going to tell Suiza the truth this Saturday after our date, and if she's truly worth it, she'll still want to see me. If not, it's not the end of the world."  
  
Everyone else agreed, and Oolong relaxed considerably. But Candy and Juuhachigou didn't remain as relaxed as he was. Juuhachigou cleared her throat and looked at Oolong with scrutiny.  
  
"What's your problem?" Oolong asked her.  
  
Juuhachigou crossed her arms and said quietly, "Now that panties had been brought up earlier, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."  
  
Oolong grew uncomfortable. "O…kay…shoot."  
  
The android said evenly, "My favorite purple, lacy thong has been missing for the past week, and I know that I have not worn it since it's been washed. Where is it?"  
  
Oolong laughed nervously. "Don't know what you're talking about!"  
  
Candy added edgily, "Oh, I think you do, Oolong, because my pair of furry, peachy briefs has been missing for two weeks, and I know that I have not worn them since I did the laundry, and Marron mentioned to me yesterday that you were playing with a very similar pair. Where are they?"  
  
"Good question," Oolong answered quickly. "I sure wish I knew."  
  
"I say," Juuhachigou replied sternly, "that we go take a quick peek at Oolong's prized panty collection."  
  
"Good idea," Candy agreed.  
  
"No, no, it isn't!" Oolong cried, as he transformed himself into a robin and flew away upstairs, determined to save himself from the two angry women who were sure to kill him once they found their missing underwear in his treasured panty stash.  
  
"Get him!" Juuhachigou yelled in her battle cry, and she and Candy both dashed upstairs after the resident, perverted swine. Well, Juuhachigou dashed anyway, Candy merely marched, which was still a great effort for someone eight months pregnant. Either way, they were determined to make bacon out of Oolong.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Later that afternoon…  
  
Oolong ruefully touched his bandaged head, a head nearly crushed by the fists and hands of both Candy and Juuhachigou. He had well learned his lesson today…not to take any more of their panties. He would never touch either woman's underwear again…well, at least not for a month. Puar hadn't been around to help him after the assaults; Yamucha had picked up his feline friend shortly after. Puar had very reluctantly agreed to help Oolong with his next date, even though she was going against her better judgment.  
  
He was now sitting in his usual green chair, mindlessly watching the High-Life Shopping Network, the new shopping channel that featured expensive products targeted towards the very wealthy, such as twenty-two thousand dollar silver plates and four thousand dollar purses. Even though no one in Kame House, not even Candy, would ever consider buying the cable channel's goods, it was always interesting to see the smiling, well-groomed, snobby hosts selling products that only celebrities, heiresses, royalty, and other affluent people would think of dialing the number to order.  
  
But currently on was a shopping show for men called, "Adam And Steve's", which was Master Roshi's second favorite program because it featured expensive products that were exclusively targeted towards "manly" men such as edible dishes and beer mugs, packs of disposable underwear and jeans, and dialing machines which gave various prerecorded excuses for men to skip work or cheat on their wives and girlfriends. Unfortunately, some of the products were considered to be rather tasteless, because of such items as lighted fish tanks shaped like a pair of women's breasts, video games in which one had to seduce a certain number of women to win, and the most recent addition: furniture and appliances shaped like curvy, nude women. And such a product was being displayed at this moment.  
  
"Today, for the low, low price of nine thousand and nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine dollars, YOU can have this wonderfully crafted solid eighteen karat gold toilet, shaped like a beautiful, naked woman sitting down with her lap spread open. A man's dream come true! It automatically flushes when you stand up, is self-cleaning with the push of a button, and is stain-resistant, a guaranteed treasure that will last for years to come! Why, the Playboy mansion has already ordered twenty of these marvels! So how about it, gentlemen?" the bellowing voice of the bald man dressed in clean jeans and a flannel shirt crooned on the television. Unlike his more sophisticated counterparts, this host was an average "working Joe" who was supposed to be the ideal "manly man". And so far this host seemed to be bringing in many new male customers.  
  
Candy fumed, "Of course, the Playboy mansion would order those things! Who else would bother to even want one of those?"  
  
Sitting next to her on the couch was a drooling Roshi, who was panting like a thirsty retriever. He greedily reached over to grab the phone. "I'm ordering me one of those beauties right now!" But before he could dial the first number, Candy grabbed his wrist.  
  
"Oh, no you don't! Those things cost too much, and there's no way that I'm having my husband sitting in some gold woman's lap or standing in front of her while he does his business."  
  
"But you said the bathroom needed remodeling," Roshi protested feebly.  
  
"We are NOT having a naked woman toilet in our bathroom!" Candy hissed.  
  
"That's right," Juuhachigou, crossing her arms and narrowing her blue eyes, agreed. "Especially since Marron and I use that bathroom too. And I certainly don't want my husband sitting on one of those things."  
  
The loud host rambled on, "And, this next toilet coming up, is for the sports fan that is too lazy to get up to use the bathroom, or go get a snack from the refrigerator. This toilet is exclusively for use in the den or the living room! It can be used a recliner between bathroom breaks, and it comes with a built-in refrigerator, a microwave, and even a special container for when a guy needs to pee, but doesn't feel like getting up to do so. Perfect for your favorite couch potato!"  
  
"I want one of those!" both Master Roshi and Oolong declared.  
  
"NO!" was the response from the women. Roshi and Oolong did not dare speak for a few more minutes.  
  
Finally, Candy had calmed down enough to tell her husband, "Roshi, would you please change the channel to something else? Just for an hour?"  
  
"Umm…sure thing, Candy," Roshi replied, pressing a button on the remote. He flipped through the many channels briefly, disappointed to find out that there was not one single women's aerobics program on.  
  
Finally, he came to a channel that was featuring his third favorite TV show: Terri Singer, a curvy, voluptuous talk show hostess with long, blond hair, and green eyes. Terri was the hostess for her scandalous program, which featured everything, from nuns moonlighting as prostitutes to wives who were cheating on their husbands with their husbands' grandfathers to couples who served and worshipped goldfish as gods. Bizarre and other guests with unusual and abnormal lives were drawn to Terri's show like flies to dung.  
  
After the crowd had finished shouting Terri's name, the blond, bubbly host announced, "Today on 'Terri Singer'…'Shape-shifting Spouses'!" The bouncy female, dressed as always in one of her aerobics outfits (her body and clothes were what had originally drawn Roshi to her show) compassionately rested her hand on a tall, handsome, sculpted man.  
  
"Tell me, Louis," Terri said with the right amount of compassion. "What is this secret that you wish to share with your wife of two years?"  
  
Louis sighed, "Well, Terri, the truth is…that I'm not really human. I graduated from the Shape-Shifting Academy, and before I learned how to pass myself off as a human…I was a toad."  
  
"Oooh!" the audience gasped in amazement.  
  
"Since your wife is not here yet, may we see your natural form?" Terri asked. Louis obliged, and within seconds, he had transformed into an ugly, gray, warty toad.  
  
"Hey, I know him!" Oolong exclaimed. "He and I used to pal around together before we graduated."  
  
"You mean when you cheated on your final exams to do so?" A chuckling Umigame couldn't resist.  
  
Oolong looked menacingly at Umigame. "How'd you like for me to try some turtle soup tonight?"  
  
"Only, if I can have baked ham," Umigame replied sweetly, and Oolong grudgingly fell silent.  
  
A few minutes, later, Louis had changed back into his human form, and then his lovely, aristocratic wife, Naomi, was brought out onto the stage. Louis told her the truth, which Naomi didn't believe at first until her husband changed back into his natural toad form.  
  
The sophisticated, well-dressed Naomi was horrified and disgusted. "Ugh! You mean that I've been kissing, sleeping with a…toad! I don't think I could ever touch you again! How could you deceive me like this?"  
  
Louis apologized piteously, begging Naomi's forgiveness, hoping that she would still love him anyway. His pleas for love and absolution fell on deaf ears, as Naomi stood up, turned on her heel, and covered her mouth, as if she were about to vomit. Without a word of goodbye for her husband, Naomi rushed off the stage.  
  
Louis the toad broke down into tears, and Terri spoke comforting words to him, even though she would not touch him in his natural form.  
  
"Poor guy," Oolong whispered in pity.  
  
"That's a shame indeed," Roshi commented.  
  
"Awww!" Krillin moaned gently.  
  
"He's so sad," Marron said in a mournful, low voice.  
  
Candy and Juuhachigou and Umigame added other words of sympathy, even though all three felt that Louis should have been honest with his wife sooner. Everyone in the living room remained fascinated with the rest of the show, as other couples in which each had a shape-shifting spouse were brought out. And unfortunately, all the results were the same as with Louis and Naomi, with the "normal" spouses jilting or rejecting their husbands or wives.  
  
Finally, mercifully, "Terri Springer" ended, and Oolong was despondent. He was hugging his knees, and his porcine chin was resting in between them.  
  
"There's no way I can tell Suiza the truth, no way," Oolong said dejectedly and decisively at the same time. "She'll reject me just like all those husbands and wives did to their spouses. Nope, I will just have to find a way to keep Suiza from finding out what I really am."  
  
"Oolong, you can't do that!" Krillin insisted. "If Suiza can't accept you for who you are, then you're better off without her."  
  
"That's right," Umigame chimed in.  
  
"Just tell her the next time you see her," Juuhachigou ordered.  
  
"You can't go on with this deception forever," Candy added. "Especially, since you can only keep your shape for only five minutes."  
  
"Good point," Roshi stated. He said to Oolong, "And just how long do you think you'll be able to pass yourself as a human man? Puar isn't always going to be around to take your place whenever you go on a date with Suiza. What if things get serious between you two? Have you thought that far?"  
  
"I'll-I'll handle that if and when that happens," Oolong said firmly. "Right now, I'm just trying to get her to like me."  
  
"How is she to do that, if she doesn't know who you truly are?" Roshi asked sternly.  
  
"Well, she can't, not right now. Maybe, when I'm absolutely sure that she really, really likes me, no matter what. Then I'll tell her…maybe," Oolong's rigid voice contained a note of desperation. Finally, his voice filled with tears, as he spoke again:  
  
"Look, everyone, for the first time in a long time, I finally found a woman who I want and who just might want me in return. I don't want to blow things between us. I don't ask for much in life, honestly. I just want a woman who will love me and think that I'm the only one for her. Is that too much to ask?"  
  
"No, of course not," Candy said consolingly. She looked at the anguished Oolong sympathetically. "Oolong, I'm sure there's someone out there for you."  
  
"Yeah," Krillin added softly, patting Oolong's shoulder.  
  
Marron offered one of her Candy Apple dolls to him. "Here, my Candy Apple The Nurse doll can keep you company until you find a girlfriend."  
  
Oolong smiled gratefully, as he temporarily accepted the fashion doll. "Thanks, kid."  
  
"She'll cheer you up," Marron promised him.  
  
"It's going to be okay, Oolong," Umigame told him.  
  
"Thanks everyone," Oolong told his friends. "I just want to wait a while before I tell Suiza the truth, okay?"  
  
"Don't put it off for too long," Juuhachigou warned him.  
  
"If you two are still seeing each other after this Saturday, why don't you invite her over here this Sunday for a barbeque that Roshi and I are having?" Candy suggested brightly.  
  
"Really?" Oolong asked, his pig face lighting up. "Thanks, I will!"  
  
Roshi looked at Candy strangely. "Candy, that was a great idea…except for one thing."  
  
"What's that, darling?"  
  
Roshi laughed nervously. "Since when were we having a barbeque?" 


	6. Chapter Six: Oolong's Second Date With S...

Chapter Six: Oolong's Second Date With Suiza  
  
Saturday, Satan City streets…  
  
"Oolong, this is getting ridiculous!" Puar, annoyed, hissed. "How much longer are we going to go through this?"  
  
"Just 'til I get around to telling Suiza the truth, that's all!" Oolong protested, as he sat on his friend, who was once again a motorcycle. Oolong was forcing Puar to "drive" at forty miles per hour on city streets. "Please, Puar, I promise when you find someone you like, I'll do the same for you."  
  
"That's going to be a stretch, considering that you can only shape-shift for five minutes!" Puar the motorcycle yelled, irritated with the speed and the wind whipping at her metal body. "How are we going to go through with this date with Suiza? Even you and I can't leave the movie theater every five minutes; we'll get kicked out."  
  
"I'm going to talk Suiza into sitting in the back of the theater, then I'll just go for frequent potty breaks and snack breaks…I'll just let Suiza think that I'm a pig-no, wait, I didn't mean-"  
  
The cat-turned-motorcycle howled with laughter. "Yeah, Oolong, why don't you just tell her that you're a pig? Considering the way you eat in movie theaters, she's going to think you're one anyway, so why not just tell her the truth?"  
  
"For the last time, no!" Oolong insisted. "I can't let Suiza know, not yet."  
  
"Well, when do you plan to tell her?" Puar demanded to know.  
  
"Soon, soon, I promise," Oolong hedged, trying to put her off. "Now, are we almost there?"  
  
"Yes, Oolong, we are! In fact, we'll be there in less than a minute!" Puar cried. "If you're going to change into human form, the time is now!"  
  
Oolong wasted no time into changing his Nappa look-alike alter ego, and he had transformed just in time before he and Puar caught sight of the cinema coming up ahead.  
  
As she turned into the Showtime Movie Cinema, she and Oolong both saw Suiza checking the oil in her motorcycle, a custom-made red-and-orange Harley Davidson. Suiza had her hair braided into two cornrows, and she was wearing a tight red tube top under a worn, fringed, black leather jacket; she also wore leather snakeskin pants with pearly bubble studs on the sides and bootleg cuffs over red leather boots. Oolong was drooling heavily, as he looked over her curvy body appreciatively. He casually parked the bike.  
  
Suiza waved to Oolong. "There you are, handsome! Just let me check the oil in my bike here, and we'll be set to see Bulletproof."  
  
"No problem."  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
"All right, now tell me where you've stashed my woman and the goods, or I'll blow what few brains you have out!"  
  
"Don't shoot me, please! I'll tell you, I'll tell you!"  
  
"Start speaking then, bub."  
  
"We took your dame to the-AHH! MY CHEST!"  
  
"BANG, BANG, BANG!"  
  
Eruptions of gunfire followed shortly after the harassed thug had fallen. The ex-gangster hero had now become embroiled in a shootout with the head hit men. Oolong and Suiza and Puar (undercover as Oolong's leather jacket) watched, stupefied and impressed. Well, Oolong and Suiza were impressed, but Puar was terrified; she did not like violent movies, and she kept her eyes closed during the killing parts.  
  
How on Earth did she let Oolong talk her into these situations?  
  
So far, she and Oolong had almost no problems pulling off their ruse, thanks to a new last-minute plan that they had concocted. Whenever Oolong's five minutes were up, he would drop something or spill popcorn or candy, any excuse to get down to the floor. Since Suiza had been so engrossed in the movie, she hadn't paid much attention, as Oolong's "jacket" had conveniently slid to the floor at the same time. In the cover of darkness, Oolong and Puar would switch forms, with Oolong metamorphosing into the jacket and Puar transforming into Oolong's human form.  
  
The movie was two-thirds of the way finished when the real Oolong, in his human form, casually laid back and wrapped his arm around Suiza's slender shoulders. And to his relief and pleasure, Suiza allowed him. She leaned into the crook of his arm, and she sighed a contented "ah", as the antihero saved his love interest. The dark, brooding, bald spy wasted no time in carrying his woman to the nearest and safest empty room to make hot, passionate love to her; the spy even ignored his cell phone ringing to spend time with his lady.  
  
"Ah, I'd love for a man to do all that for me," Suiza whispered in an unusually wistful tone for her. "He wouldn't have to be super-strong, or even that good with guns, but he'd have to be willing to risk all, you know?"  
  
"Yeah…" Oolong breathed. He leaned his Nappa-like face closer to Suiza, and Suiza leaned towards him with a mischievous smile. Her hand brushed against the top of his human one, and Oolong shivered in delight. He dared to hold her closer to him. He wanted to tell her that he'd risk all for her, but he figured that it was too soon to say so. After all, he had only known her for about a week, if that.  
  
But he saw her eyes looking at him longingly, even in the darkness of the theater, and he wondered if he should try to kiss her. Their lips were almost touching, and Suiza's forehead was brushing against his.  
  
"Oolong," Suiza whispered gruffly. "I know this is awfully sudden, but…"  
  
"It's okay, Suiza, I feel the same way, really."  
  
"Glad you do, Ooos…" Suiza murmured, as her lips slowly brushed against his. Oolong took that as his cue to carry things a bit further, and he pressed his lips against Suiza's. Holding her tighter, he leaned into her, kissing her gently at first, but then more firmly. Suiza wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him.  
  
"Let me know, if I'm going too fast," she whispered between kisses.  
  
"Isn't the guy supposed to say that?" Oolong asked wonderingly, as he joined his lips with hers once more.  
  
Suiza laughed, long and deep. "You're one of a kind, Ooos, you are; don't think I've ever quite known anyone like you. It's been a while since I had this good a time." And she kissed him again.  
  
Oolong had both arms around her by this time, and he dared to lightly caress her hip. Suiza gave no objection, as their kisses continued to deepen. They lost themselves in the moment, paying no attention to the next gunfight between the ex-gangster antihero and the main villain.  
  
Suiza slid her hand onto Oolong's shirt-covered chest, daring to caress his pecs. Oolong trembled in embarrassed delight; no woman had ever openly felt on him like this. He wondered what he should do next, as his lips began traveling down to her neck.  
  
He was so absorbed in his making out with his date that he paid no attention to a certain little beep…THE beep that always told him when his time was up.  
  
But Puar had heard Oolong's watch beep, and she, in her leather jacket form, panicked. Hastily, she morphed into a large needle and quickly stabbed Oolong in his thigh.   
  
"OUCH!" Oolong yelped, jumping back from a stunned Suiza. It was only in the following moments that he heard the beeping of his watch, and frantically he dived to the floor.  
  
"Oolong, what's going on?" Suiza exclaimed.  
  
Oh, no! She was still watching him, and any moment, he'd turn back into his pig form. There was only one thing to do: grab his "jacket" and run out of the theater as fast as he could.  
And so he did. He yelled back at Suiza, as he was dragging Puar-the-jacket along the seats, "Got the runs! Will be back!"  
  
"Ow, ow, ow!" Puar meowed painfully, as her body kept hitting the armrests. She was thankful that only she, Oolong, and Suiza had been sitting in that particular back row.  
  
Within seconds, Oolong was scurrying up the aisle with poor Puar in tow, and as they came upon the front entrance leading out of the darkened room, Oolong felt himself began to change shape. As soon as the door swung shut behind him and Puar, the hunky human man had disappeared, and a short, panting, relieved pig had taken his place.  
  
"Whew!" Oolong sighed. "That was close! We almost blew it for a moment there!"  
  
"WE?" Puar hissed furiously.  
  
"Okay, okay, me," Oolong stammered sheepishly, holding out his hands in protest.  
  
"And just how are you going to explain this latest disappearance to Suiza?" Puar asked reprovingly.  
  
"I told her I had the runs-you, know diarrhea and stuff. Oh, I hate that I can only keep any form for five minutes!"  
  
"And whose fault is that?" Puar asked reproachfully.  
  
Oolong sighed-but then, he became frantic. "Puar, you have to go back in there to Suiza for me! Please!"  
  
"Just wait, Oolong," Puar told him impatiently. "You told her that you had the runs, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, just let her think you have diarrhea for now. That way, if you do have to leave again, you'll have an excuse other than those 'potty breaks'."  
  
"Works for me," Oolong said with relief. "Don't know what I'd do without you, Puar."  
  
"I don't know either," Puar sighed. She wondered just how much longer they were going to be able to keep this up.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Suiza pitied Oolong. If he hadn't mentioned having "the runs", she would have been furious that he had run out on her so suddenly. A fun guy (and a good kisser) he could be though-when he didn't have bowel or urinary problems.  
  
Toying with a few straw locks of golden hair, she speculated on just how much longer she should put off telling Oolong her true identity. He thought he was kissing a human woman when he was really kissing a sow. Was it really fair for her to keep leading him on the way that she was?  
  
Before Teal, having to hide the fact that she was a pig had not been a problem. Before she and Teal started dating, she had only dated other shape-shifters, and she could be honest with them. She and Bigfoot had even dated briefly for a short time, but after a few dates, they had decided they were better off as just being friends. And then after Bigfoot, she met Teal, the first non-shape-shifter that she ever became seriously involved with.  
  
Teal had been fun back in those days, but then he started becoming too possessive of her, especially after they had started sleeping together. He tried to control his girlfriend's every move, insisted on making her account for every minute of her time away from him. And Suiza had continued putting off telling Teal that she was not really human, and Teal had suspected that she was hiding something from him. But he had, of course, never suspected that Suiza wasn't human.  
Instead, he thought that Suiza was seeing another man behind his back-and it was something that he intended to end.   
  
She and Teal had fought endlessly about that, with Suiza angrily insisting that Teal was the only man in her life. Then one night, a drunk driver hit Bigfoot's truck, and Bigfoot, who was in his human form at the time, had to go to the hospital. When Scam, who had been with him, called Suiza, she canceled an upcoming date with Teal to go to the hospital. She had been so rushed and so worried about Bigfoot, that she had not had time to give Teal the explanation she knew that he would demand of why she was not seeing him that night.  
  
Teal had tried to track Suiza down to see what she was really doing, but none of the other Leathernecks had known about Bigfoot and Scam's accident until much later afterwards, so no one could tell him where his girlfriend was. Finally, Teal parked his motorcycle outside of Suiza's apartment, where she had been living at the time before she opened up her businesses. He waited for her until she got home.  
  
When Suiza came home to her apartment, she was with another man, Horace, who was the brother of the girl that Scam had been seeing at the time. Horace had been a tall, handsome, muscle-bound man who had granted Scam's request to drive Suiza home in his Thunderbird.  
  
The moment that Teal had seen Suiza and Horace together, he was furious, believing that Suiza had canceled their date to go out with someone else. The moment that Suiza and Horace climbed out of the Thunderbird, Teal had dashed out of nowhere and beaten up Horace until Horace was bloodied and bruised. Suiza had yelled at Teal, ordering him to leave Horace alone, but after Teal had released the barely breathing Horace, he started screaming obscenities and nasty names at his girlfriend, accusing her of cheating on him. Suiza tried to explain that Horace was a friend of Scam's, but Teal claimed that he didn't believe her.  
  
After that disastrous episode that night, Suiza had promptly dumped him, telling him never to bother her again. Teal had been apologetic, sending her flowers and candy, but Suiza was having none of it. Teal had acted that way before every time that they had fought, and she was tired of him acting as if he was her warden, instead of her boyfriend.  
  
That had seemed a lifetime ago, although the breakup was actually only a month old. When she had first seen Oolong with that strange, floating feline, Suiza had known then that she was ready to start dating again. She had told herself that she would take things slow and not rush this potential relationship.  
  
And yet, today, she had broken her own rules. She had promised that she would not let herself get that close to Oolong, but the chemistry she felt between them was too hard to resist. She had allowed herself to make out with him, to enjoy being in his arms, with his lips against hers.  
  
Once again, she was thinking with her heart instead of her head. And to think that being with Teal would have taught her better than that! Was it possible that she was using Oolong to get over Teal? Was she on the rebound and just using Oolong as a possible "transitional boyfriend" in the way that Blue often used Scam when Blue was between boyfriends? That was something Blue would do, but not her! No, Suiza Harvey was supposed to have better sense, just like her Aunt Louisa, who had raised her, had taught her?  
  
Suiza took a deep breath. No, she was going to have to slow down. No more make-out sessions with Oolong until she knew him better, no matter how good he made her feel. She had to take things one step at a time.  
  
And she would have to eventually gather the courage to tell Oolong the truth about what and who she really was. She couldn't put it off forever the way that she had done with Teal, whom she had never told her secret.  
  
No, she could not-and would not-repeat the mistakes she had made with Teal.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Two hours later…  
  
Oolong and Suiza and Puar had gone out to dinner afterwards at a nearby sports bar that was a favorite of bike racing fans. Oolong continued to have "the runs", since it was not as easy for him and Puar to switch places with each other every five minutes now that they were in a place with more light. Puar had advised against the "need-to-scratch-my-ankle" routine that they had done on Oolong's last date with Suiza.  
  
After Oolong had returned from his twenty-fifth time to the restroom since he and Suiza had entered the sports bar, he could tell that Suiza wasn't too happy. He feared that it was his frequent disappearing acts, but he was afraid to ask. Suiza hadn't been responsive since they had left the movie theater, and when Oolong had tried to be affectionate with her, Suiza had stiffened. Finally, he decided to take the chance and ask her what was wrong.  
  
"Suiza, did I do anything to upset you today?"   
  
"Nah, Ooos, it's not you," Suiza had replied glumly, although Oolong's frequent disappearances were puzzling to her. Sure, he had diarrhea, but she had never known someone with it that was badly affected. But it wasn't so much Oolong's numerous trips to the men's room that was bothering her, as much as her thoughts about her past relationship with Teal and her worries about how far to go in this one with Oolong. "Just had something on my mind."  
  
"Give you a nickel for your thoughts," Oolong offered.  
  
Suiza took a puff of one of her trademark strawberry cigars. "Ah, thanks. Well, I won't charge you the nickel, Oolong. I apologize for being the way I am in the past few hours, but I was thinking that maybe we were rushing things too fast."  
  
"Oh, Suiza, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"  
  
"Hey, easy, Oolong, easy! It's just I broke up with Teal only a month ago, and I don't want to use you as a rebound man. I'd rather take things a bit slower than we have been. I mean, we can still see each other often and stuff, but let's hold off the making out 'til we get to know each other a bit better, okay?"  
  
"Um, sure thing, Suiza," Oolong said, carefully concealing his disappointment. He had really enjoyed kissing and necking with her, but he understood. At least, she wasn't completely rejecting him. "We can still go out as friends, can't we?"  
  
"Sure!" Suiza enthused, relieved that Oolong wasn't going to try to pressure her. "What would you like to do after we leave?"  
  
"Go home," Puar-the-leather-jacket on the back of Oolong's chair whispered insistently. But Oolong ignored her.  
  
"Let's go to Boudoir!" he exclaimed before he thought. After that, the sleeve of his "jacket" grew a finger and a thumb and pinched his arm hard.  
  
"Ow!" Oolong exclaimed, seizing the cuff of his fake jacket. The cuff of the jacket nipped at him angrily. "Now see here!" he cried to his jacket. "That was not necessary!"  
  
Suiza's eyes had bulged, and she was wondering how Oolong was acting stranger than she was. After all, it had been she who had the two beers, not him. "Ooos, are you okay?" she asked.  
  
Oolong grinned awkwardly at his date. "Yeah, Suiza, I am! My jacket sometimes gives me trouble! Hard to keep it off of the floor…yeah, that's it."  
  
"Hmm…" Suiza said skeptically.  
  
"Hehheh, sorry about that!" Oolong apologized quickly. "Diarrhea does funny things to me."  
  
To his relief, Suiza managed a chuckle. "It's okay, Oolong, that's fine. Strange piece of leather you've got there though. Now you said that you wanted to go to Boudoir? What's that?"  
  
"My favorite lingerie shop!" Oolong cried out, again before he thought. This time the cuff of his "jacket" turned into a black, leather fist and punched him hard against his thigh.  
  
"That's it," Puar whispered. "We're going home-NOW!"  
  
"No way!" Oolong fumed.  
  
Suiza continued to look at them both strangely, and Oolong, noticing, laughed nervously. "Pay me no mind! I sometimes talk to the old girl!"  
  
Suiza shook her head, but smiled indulgently. "I'm never bored when you're around, Oolong, that's for sure. Well, this is the first date I've had where a man wanted to go look in a lingerie shop, but I might need some new underwear anyway, so hey, why not? Lead the way!"   
  
"Gladly!" Oolong declared, as Puar-the-jacket punched him once more. "Ow!"  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Boudoir at Satan City Mall…  
  
Oolong flashed an evil grin at the elderly saleswoman. If she had known that the tall, bald man dressed in black leather was really the despised, perverted pig that she had chased out of her shop several times, she would have tossed him out the door. As it was, she still looked strangely at him and the biker woman he was escorting, but customers were customers, no matter who they were, or how they were dressed.  
  
"Fancy place," Suiza said with a low whistle. "Fancy prices I imagine too, but nice! So, which girl introduced you to this shop?"  
  
"My best friend's wife, Candy, and our roommate, Juuhachigou," Oolong told her honestly. "They shop here quite a bit too."  
  
"They have good taste," Suiza noted, feeling a pair of white silky panties that were in a sales bin. "I like these."  
  
"Me too!" Oolong panted excitedly at the various pairs of ladies' underwear. "Wait 'til you see their bras! You'll really flip then! I know I did!"  
  
Suiza looked at Oolong, as if Oolong had suggested that Suiza strip right there in the store. "Umm…you sound like you're a regular customer here. Hey, do you wear these things or something?"  
  
"Only on his head, at least…as far as I know," Puar quipped out loud, before she could restrain herself.  
  
"What did you say?" Suiza asked.  
  
Oolong slapped his Puar-jacket hard on one of its shoulders. "Wasn't me, Suize, don't know where that came from."  
  
"Must have been a customer," Suiza agreed, deciding to give her strange date the benefit of the doubt…and remembering that she had been doing that almost since she met him. Still, things never seemed to be dull with him around.  
  
Once again, Oolong's watch beeped, and he said, "Oops, there goes the runs again! Be back!" And he ran towards the elderly head saleswoman.  
  
"Lady, I need to use your restroom!" he cried.  
  
"It's broken, young man, I'm sorry," the saleswoman replied.  
  
"Ahh! What am I supposed to do?" Oolong cried frantically. Finally, he had no choice, but to run out of the lingerie shop, and as far away from Suiza's sight as he could.  
  
After a few agonizing minutes, Oolong and Puar returned, and when they did, Suiza was buying three pairs of underwear and one bra.   
  
"Great choices!" he cried, seeing that Suiza had bought three satin thongs.   
  
"Thanks, Ooos!" Suiza said happily. "I hope that your encounter with the runs clears up soon."  
  
"I hope it does too," meowed a huffy voice.   
  
Oolong slapped his "jacket" on its shoulder again.  
  
"Where'd you get such great panties?" Oolong asked Suiza.  
  
Suiza replied, "There's a buy two, get one free offer in that bin over there." She pointed to a different sales bin than the one where she and Oolong had previously been. Oolong wasted no time in dashing over there to buy some for himself.  
  
"Here, ring these up!" he told the elderly saleswoman, returning with three pairs of bikini panties.  
  
"Hehheh!" Suiza laughed. "Now just who are those for?"  
  
"Me-no, I mean you, well, I mean-"  
  
"Oolong," Suiza told him gently. "I appreciate the offer, but those aren't my size. Is there a fetish you have with ladies' undies that I don't know about?"  
  
"Umm…yeah, you could say that."  
  
"Don't worry," Puar whispered. "He just wears them on his head, nowhere else."  
  
"Who said that?" the saleswoman asked, puzzled.  
  
Slap went Oolong's palm on Puar-the-jacket!  
  
"Hey, I have no problem if a man likes ladies' undies!" Suiza declared, much to Oolong's relief. "So, do you like collecting them or something?"  
  
"You betcha!" Oolong said excitedly. And then his face fell. "Oops. You probably won't want to see more anymore…if you don't, I'll understand-"  
  
"Hey, calm down, Ooos, so you have a fetish! I used to collect Playthings magazines before someone broke into my last place and stole them. Pity 'cause some of them were worth money."   
  
"You read Playthings?" Oolong asked hopefully. Playthings was a porn magazine for both men and women that happened to be one of Master Roshi and Oolong's favorites.  
  
"Yup. And Sweet Cheeks and Bunny-Buns too, when they feature men. I love those kinds of mags, even though I know many women don't. Yep, Oolong, I will confess that I like looking at dirty mags and movies every now and then."  
  
Oolong was oddly enchanted. "And you don't object to my panty fetish at all?"  
  
"Not in the least bit! You collect panties; I collect men's boxers. Sometimes I wear them, but most of the time, I just like having them for souvenirs. There's nothing sexier than a man in boxers."  
  
The saleswoman was trying not to pay any attention to this conversation, as she rang up Oolong's purchases and bagged them. Oolong and Suiza grinned at each other, enjoying the shock that the saleswoman was trying to hide. They had now found some common ground.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Oolong and Suiza were now enjoying some ice cream, and Oolong and Puar had switched places without Suiza's knowledge, so that Puar could have some ice cream too. Suiza had thought it was a bit strange that Oolong had eaten both a banana spilt and a hot fudge sundae, but hey, he was a big man after all.  
  
Any remaining tension between Suiza and Oolong had relaxed considerably, even though Oolong continued to have to go to the restroom. Sometimes Puar would take Oolong's place for more than ten minutes to make things easier for her friend, and then afterwards she and Oolong would switch places. Puar found Suiza strange, but likable. She could see what Oolong saw in her now, even though their relationship was likely to give Puar an early heart attack. But now once again, Puar was the jacket, and Oolong was the human.  
  
"Feeling better?" Suiza asked Oolong, after she had insisted on buying him some medicine for his diarrhea. She was smoking one of her strawberry cigars; Oolong had told her he didn't mind it, but Puar didn't share his opinion.  
  
"Oh definitely," the real Oolong replied. "It did help, that it did."   
  
Afterwards, Suiza told some great jokes, especially dirty ones, which Oolong laughed at, and Puar cringed.  
  
"Okay, tell me, if you've heard this one," Suiza said. "Superman sees Wonder Woman lying on a beach, so he figures he'd get some from her while she's asleep, so he flies down and has his way with her, but she doesn't respond, so finally he gives up and leaves. So Wonder Woman wakes up, but when she does, she wraps her arms around Invisible Man, who just woke up and is lying on top of her, and he's rubbing his behind. Wonder Woman asks him what's wrong, and he says, "I'm not sure what happened, but my butt sure does feel sore!"  
  
Oolong laughed out loud, but Puar would have gagged and thrown up, had she been able to reveal herself. "You sure are funny, Suize!" he cried happily.  
  
"That's an oldie, but a goodie. So, do you have any jokes?"  
  
"Nah, I can't tell 'em like you can."  
  
"I'm sure you could once you get the right ones."  
  
"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. You're fun to be with, you know that, Suiza? You're not like any other woman I've met before."  
  
"Ditto," Suiza confirmed. "And.…I like you, Oolong, and we've had a good time so far, haven't we?"   
  
"We sure had," Oolong admitted. Despite what he was putting himself and Puar through for this chance with a woman he was starting to care for, he considered the efforts worth it. He just hoped that Puar wouldn't bail out on him anytime soon.  
  
"You know what I like best about you though, Oolong?" Suiza asked him.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Your honesty. You're not afraid to be your real self. You don't do all that faking and bravado that I've seen so many other guys do. That's refreshing. I wish that I could be as open as you are."  
  
"Ditto," Puar whispered.  
  
Once again, Oolong's hand went slap! "Sorry, there was a mosquito."  
  
"No prob. But you know, you're real, Oolong," Suiza said fervently. "It's like you're an open book. I could learn from you. There's nothing fake about you. It's cool to be with a guy who is always himself, not someone he's not."  
  
Oolong gulped. If Suiza only knew…what would she think? She'd probably think him no better than that Teal character. How could he ever tell her the truth now, and let her know what a phony he truly was?  
  
"What's wrong, Ooos? You seem upset."  
  
"It's nothing, Suize, nothing really. I'm okay, really."  
  
"BEEP! BEEP!"  
  
Time to switch again!  
  
"Oops, there go my runs!" Oolong said quickly, and Suiza laughed.  
  
"Better double up on the medicine," was all she said.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Later that night, Oolong's bedroom…  
  
Suiza had said she would be coming to the barbeque-only, Oolong later found out that Roshi had talked Candy into rescheduling it for two weeks later. Candy had agreed, especially since tomorrow it was supposed to rain.  
  
Oolong lay awake in his bed, worried about what he was going to do about Suiza. Suiza thought him honest and funny, and while the funny part could be true, the honesty part surely wasn't. Suiza was not only going to be upset that he was a pig; she would hate it that he had deceived her.  
  
What was he going to do now?  
  
He knew! He would tell Suiza at Candy's rescheduled barbeque! That way, if she did get upset with him, maybe she would be more likely to hold her temper with other people around. And his friends could be there for moral support, if Suiza let Oolong down.  
  
Yes, the barbeque! He would unburden himself and tell Suiza everything. He could put it off no longer than that.  
  
Satisfied with his plan, Oolong fell asleep. 


	7. Chapter Seven: Labor Day

Chapter Seven: Labor Day  
  
Two weeks later…  
  
"Juuhachi, are you sure that I shouldn't shave my head bald again?" Krillin asked his android wife, as he studied his reflection in the bathroom mirror in the bathroom that he and his wife shared as part of their bedroom. Juuhachigou was already dressed in a red cotton blouse and denim shorts that showed off her long, slender legs nicely. Since she was already dressed, she was sitting on the bed, working on Marron's two trademark pigtails; Marron was dressed in a cute pink blouse and cherry-red jumper. When she finished, she released her daughter and sauntered over to her husband in their bathroom.  
  
"For the last time, Krillin, no. I like your head just the way it is," she told him, as she idly ran a hand through the thick thatches of hair on her husband's head. "There's nothing like thick, dark hair on a man…the kind I can run my hands through."  
  
"I like Daddy's hair," Marron added.  
  
Krillin laughed. "I take it that I'm outvoted."  
  
Juuhachigou playfully tugged on some of her husband's tresses. "I take it you are! Now hurry up; it won't be long before the food is done, and the rest of the guests arrive. I hope Candy and Roshi remember that at least half of our guests eat enough for three armies. I hope that twenty dozen hot dogs are going to be enough for everyone, including our famous Saiyans."  
  
Krillin hoped so too, especially since he had been hankering for some Swiss hot dogs for days.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
A couple of hours later, Bulma, Vegeta, Trunks, Videl, Goten, and Chichi were at the table filling their plates and cups. Chichi was irritable because Goku had decided to skip out on the barbeque in favor of training privately in some mountains near their home. Her sons were disappointed that their father wouldn't be joining them, and so was Krillin, for he had hoped for a good sparring match with his best friend.  
  
No one had been able to find Tien and Chaoztu in time to invite them to Kame House, so they were not present. But Yajirobe had come, and he was currently trying out the new chili that Candy had prepared. And, to everyone's surprise, Piccolo, whom had been invited by Krillin, had actually showed, but he privately told Gohan that he was only staying for an hour. He and Gohan were quietly talking on the shore, allowing the currently gentle ocean waves to wet their boots and ankles.  
  
"I wish my father had come, but I'm glad that at least you're here," Gohan told Piccolo in a cheerful tone. "How have you been?"  
  
"I've been fine, Gohan, really, I-what the-?" Piccolo gasped, as he looked out of the corner of his eye to see a man who looked very much like Nappa come out of Kame House, carrying a chocolate cake on a tray. Rapidly turning around, he saw the Nappa-look-alike lick some icing off of his fingers.  
  
Gohan hurriedly looked in the direction of his sensei, and he cried out when he saw "Nappa". "Pi-Piccolo, how could Na-Nappa be alive-hey, wait though, he doesn't feel like Nappa, or as powerful as Nappa was. He's not even as tall."  
  
Piccolo then released an enormous sigh of relief. He took another look at the Nappa imitation, and then he smirked, especially when Juuhachigou smacked "Nappa" hard in the back of his head for sampling more of the cake with his finger. He cried out and rubbed the back of his bald head.  
  
"Nothing to be alarmed about," the Namek said easily. "That's just Oolong, that pig friend of Krillin's and Goku's."  
  
"But why would Oolong want to disguise himself as Nappa?" Gohan asked, puzzled.  
  
Piccolo closed his eyes and concentrated for a few moments, trying to think. The part of him that came from Kami helped him to be able to read minds, and he sighed and shook his large, green head when he finally divined Oolong's true motives.  
  
"He's doing it to impress a woman," he grumbled. "He figures that she won't accept him, if she finds out what he truly is."  
  
Gohan grinned. "That Oolong! But how does he expect to look like he does the whole time that his crush will be around. Dad and Krillin both told me that Oolong can only hold his shape for five minutes."  
  
Piccolo chuckled, as he managed to read more of Oolong's mind. "He's been managing okay so far, thanks to Puar's help. But I doubt he's going to be able to keep it up forever. Eventually this female he's seeing is going to catch on."  
  
"He might as well just tell her the truth," Gohan asserted. "The longer he puts it off, the harder it will be when he finally has to reveal himself."  
  
"I agree, Gohan, and I hope that he'll tell her today, like he's planning to."  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Vegeta nearly choked on his tenth hot dog when he saw the Nappa-wannabe casually placing a chocolate cake onto the dessert table. "Who in the hell is that?" he demanded to know.  
  
Juuhachigou placidly settled a pitcher of freshly made orangeade on the drink table next to the food table. She didn't often speak much to those outside of Kame House, but she answered quietly, "That's just Oolong, in human form. His new girlfriend's coming over today for all of us to meet her, but she thinks he's human. So for now, we're going along with his charade until he finally tells her the truth-which hopefully will be soon."  
  
Vegeta smirked. "Just how long is he going to be able to keep his act up? And why did he decide to make himself look like Nappa, of all people?" The Saiyan prince then gagged.  
  
Bulma replied, "My guess is that Oolong figured that women like tall men with big muscles, and that his new lady first met him in that form."  
  
"Well, he's a fool," Vegeta scoffed. "Nappa wasn't that great-looking, even though many women of different species we came across thought differently. What women ever saw in Nappa, I can't begin to imagine. Anyway, I'm still hungry, so I'm going to finish my meal. The pig's courtship rituals are none of my concern." And he began squirting mustard on an eleventh hot dog.   
  
As he was Vegeta was eating away, Oolong automatically transformed back into his original shape, and the human-turned-pig was relieved that Suiza had not yet arrived. Within the next ten minutes, everyone had learned of Oolong's plans, and what the pig didn't know was that Goten and Trunks had made a bet (involving their favorite toys) to see just how long Oolong would be able to keep up his deception.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Ten minutes later, Oolong, once again in his Nappa disguise, was thankful to Yamucha and Puar, who had agreed to pick up Suiza in his car to bring her to Kame House. His jaw nearly dropped in awe, as he saw the woman of his dreams breezily step out of Yamucha's snazzy new red air car. As usual, she was a dream, dressed in stonewashed denim shorts and a teal blue tank top, with her golden hair falling loosely around her slender, tanned shoulders and back. A mesmerized Yamucha was stepping out of the car, staring at her from head to toe. But Suiza seemed to have little interest in her chauffeur, as she sauntered over to Oolong with a big grin.  
  
"Hey, Ooos," she said wickedly, as Puar, almost unnoticed, climbed out of the same car.  
  
"Hey, beautiful," Oolong stuttered, entranced by her.  
  
"So, where are all of your best buds?"   
  
Oolong took her hand. "C'mon, I'll show you around."  
  
He decided to take her to Roshi and Candy first. Roshi was over at the food table while Candy, dressed in a short, pale green maternity dress with puffed sleeves, was sitting awkwardly on the side of a chaise lounge. A softly moaning, swollen Candy was holding her lower back with one hand, as if she was in pain.  
  
"Hey, Candy, are you okay?" Oolong asked worriedly, looking at her with concern.  
  
Candy rubbed her aching lower back ruefully. She managed a brave smile. "Oh, I'm fine, Oolong, really, thank you." She smiled again at Suiza, "Oh, hi, Suiza! Oolong told me you were coming. How have you been?"  
  
"Great," Suiza told her. "How's the bike doing for you and your hubby?"  
  
"Roshi tells me it's a smooth ride with few problems," Candy replied after a spasm ran through her back. "Was only able to ride it once after we bought it. But it won't be too long until my baby's born, and I'll be able to use the bike more often." She continued to rub her lower back.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?" Suiza asked. She saw that Candy was trying to keep up a happy attitude, but it was obvious that the pain was worse than what the maternity wear model would admit.  
  
Candy nodded. "My back's aching more now, but I'm due to give birth in a couple of weeks. Ooh, I'll have to ask Roshi later, if he'll give me a back massage...he's great at giving them. Oolong, why don't you introduce Suiza to everyone? I'll be along in a few mins, okay?"  
  
"Um, sure, Candy, but are you certain that you're okay?"   
  
Candy nodded, but a groan escaped from her. "Sure thing."  
  
"We're getting Roshi," Oolong insisted firmly.  
  
"Yeah, no offense, but you don't look like you're okay," Suiza added.  
  
"No, no, I'm fine. A backache is normal for me right now. Really, I'll just take those pain pills that my doctor prescribed, and I'll be great."  
  
Before either Oolong or Suiza could protest further, Juuhachigou, Chichi and Master Roshi came over, and concern splashed onto their faces the moment they saw Candy still holding her lower back. And now, Candy was looking a little pale.  
  
Roshi's eyes bulged. "Candy! Are you okay? Is it the baby?" He rushed to her side and sat down beside her.  
  
"It-it can't be," Candy whispered. "My due date is not for two weeks."  
  
Juuhachigou gently laid a hand on Candy's shoulder. "Yeah, well, I don't think anyone told your baby that."  
  
"I'm going to get Bulma to get her helicopter ready," Roshi insisted. "Babies don't always come by doctor's due dates. We're getting you to a hospital."  
  
Candy was about to protest, but then she felt a painful contraction run throughout her body. "No, no…oh! I think I just did feel a contraction. OHHH!"  
  
Her moans of pain nearly prevented Oolong from hearing his watch beep, but when the pig-turned-human finally heard his timepiece, he started to shake.  
  
"You stay here with her, Master Roshi! Puar and I will go get Bulma!" Oolong ordered, and then he ran away. But he didn't go to Bulma right away; instead, he ran to the side of Kame House, out of everyone's sight. He panted anxiously, as he waited for his body to change back into pig form. Only then, he raced to find Bulma.  
  
Vegeta was gobbling down his thirty-fifth hotdog while Bulma was "reminding" him to think of the other people who needed to eat. When a frantic Oolong literally bumped into Bulma and startled her, Vegeta was grateful for the reprieve from his wife's guilt trip towards him.  
  
"Hey, watch where you're going, Oolong!" Bulma cried angrily.  
  
"Sorry, Bulma, but Candy's going to have her baby! Her contractions have started! We need to get her to the hospital!" Oolong cried.  
  
Bulma gasped, "Oh no! Okay, okay, I'll go start up the helicopter right now!"  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
When the hospital finally landed in the heliport of West Capital City Memorial Hospital, Puar and Oolong were as weary as Candy, whose contractions were coming closer and closer together, was. The two animals were the first to dash out of the helicopter when the engine had stopped running.  
  
Just before they had boarded the helicopter, Oolong had begged a hesitant, agitated Puar into disguising herself as his human form until they arrived at the hospital. The purple cat reluctantly agreed, and she had done her best act ever as the human Oolong, talking with Suiza near the front of the plane. Oolong was thankful to her, but also to Yamucha, who had agreed to let Oolong disguise himself as his belt. When Oolong could remain in belt form, he would simply wrap around Yamucha's real belt, and when he had to change back, he would hide under an old blanket that had been lying on one of the seats. Suiza had come along because Oolong had, and Oolong had come to be there for Roshi and Candy.  
  
Bulma had summoned for help at the hospital before she had arrived with her friends, and so a team of doctors and nurses were headed towards the heliport to escort Candy to the maternity ward. Piccolo had remained behind at Kame House with Gohan, Videl, Umigame, Goten, and Trunks, so those who had come along with Candy hurried into the hospital with the doctors and nurses rushing Candy inside.   
  
A frantic Roshi was rushing around excitedly, worried for the safety of his wife and child. He was in the faces of the medical crew, demanding the best care possible for Candy and generally making a pest of himself until Vegeta cuffed him in the back of his head and told him to shut up and calm down.  
  
"Your wife is not the first woman in the world to give birth, old man!"   
  
"Er, sure, Vegeta, right, right-oh, hold on, Candy!"  
  
Roshi was anxiously running alongside Candy's wheelchair, reassuring her that he loved her, and that he'd hold her hand throughout the entire time. However, Roshi's friends could hear him howling when Candy had taken her husband's last promise seriously and was now tightly squeezing his hand until bones could be heard cracking.  
  
"Oh, oh, OH!" Roshi cried, and when Candy finally released him, Roshi's hand was huge, red, and swollen.   
  
"Oh, oh, OH MY! OH!" Candy screamed, as another contraction came. "Won't someone hold my hand, please?"  
  
Following this request was a series of arguments and protests. "You hold her hand; you're her best friend, Juuhachigou!"   
  
Juuhachigou paled visibly. Both of her hands were crushed from letting Candy hold them on the helicopter ride. She waved her injured hands in protests, as she and the others followed Candy's entourage. "I stuck by her during morning sickness and made sure her clothes remained in fashion. How about you, Krillin?"  
  
"Um, that's okay, Juuhachi, you're stronger than I am."  
  
"So you finally admit it. I would, but my hands have now been rendered useless."  
  
"Well, how about Vegeta? He's supposed to be stronger than all of us."  
  
"Hell no!" Vegeta protested. "The old pervert impregnated her; he should be the one to have his hands crushed. That's part of the father's job!"  
  
Bulma bit her lips to prevent herself from saying the first thoughts that came to mind: that, if holding the laboring mother's hands was the father's job, why hadn't Vegeta held her hands when she had been giving birth to Trunks? In fact, why hadn't Vegeta been there to see his son's birth?  
  
"Someone hold my hand, please!" Candy wailed.  
  
The arguments continued. Most of the others cared for Candy dearly, but none of them wanted to wind up like Roshi or Juuhachigou. The doors to the maternity ward were coming closer and closer. Krillin pulled Roshi away to go to the front desk to check Candy in.  
  
As Candy's pains increased, she screamed at a departing Roshi, "Roshi, I love you, but after today, I'm staying celibate! Don't touch me again!"  
  
Roshi was frantic at hearing this, but Krillin whispered in his ear, "Don't worry; Juuhachigou told me the same thing while she was giving birth to Marron. It'll pass."  
  
"I hope so!" Roshi groaned, as his shaky hand began to fill out the papers that the nurse at the desk handed him.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Four hours later, as the party waited in the waiting room, with only Roshi and Juuhachigou having been in the delivery room, a giddily grinning Roshi slowly crept out from between the double doors of the maternity ward, carrying a red-faced infant son, wrapped in a pale blue blanket.  
  
"Meet my son, Kane Kame Roshi!" Roshi declared triumphantly, and happy cheers followed. Even Vegeta gave a small smile. Everyone else gathered closer to look at the plump, wrinkled bundle of life swaddled in the soft blanket.  
  
"He's precious!" Chichi squealed. Baby Kane was still wrinkly and red, but even so, it was plain to see that he had inherited his mother's candy-apple red hair. His squinted eyes, bluish-gray, were very likely to turn green sooner or later.  
  
Juuhachigou studied the newborn for a few moments before allowing a smile to come across her face. She was remembering the day that Marron had been born, and for a few minutes, she wondered whether she and Krillin should try for another child, as she gently ran a finger along the blanketed baby.  
  
Suiza wanted to tickle the baby, but she wasn't sure if it would be safe for her to touch him just yet. He looked so delicate that she felt nervous, so she just contented herself to look at him. Oolong stood near her, debating whether to make goofy faces at him, but before he could decide, the child fell asleep.  
  
Krillin grinned. "Congratulations, Master Roshi! You're a lucky guy!"  
  
Roshi laughed. "Don't I know it!"  
  
"Way to go, Roshi!" Oolong cheered.  
  
"Krillin's right; you're a lucky guy," Suiza agreed. "Hmm…you and Candy may have just started my biological clock."  
  
"He is cute," Bulma added. "Who'd ever thought, Master Roshi, that you could produce something that adorable?"  
  
"I certainly didn't," Yamucha joked.  
  
"Who'd ever thought that Master Roshi would be a father?" Puar asked. "Congratulations to him."  
  
Roshi smiled, looking down with pride at the warm, sleepy infant in his arms. Gently, he stroked the thatch of downy hair on his son's head. Never in his dreams had he thought that he would be a father.  
  
"How's Candy?" Chichi asked.  
  
"Tired, but happy. The doctor says that she'll make a speedy recovery," Roshi assured her. "I'm proud of her, and if everyone will excuse me, I'll take our son back inside to her. My little fellow here will probably be hungry again soon."  
  
"Give her our best," Chichi told him.  
  
Roshi promised that he would, as he carried away his new, precious treasure back to Candy's room.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Sitting between Suiza and Puar in the cafeteria, Oolong wasn't sure who was more exhausted-him or Candy. During Candy's labor and birth, Oolong and Puar had taken advantage of frequent "coffee breaks" or "potty breaks" to keep Suiza from finding out Oolong's true identity. Suiza began to look at them more and more suspiciously, especially since either Puar would keep going away with Oolong, or Puar would leave behind him shortly after.  
  
Finally, Oolong came up with an actual good excuse-he wanted to go check on Roshi and Candy, and he told Suiza this.  
  
"No problem; would it be okay, if I came along?" Suiza inquired.  
  
"Umm…" Oolong replied nervously in his human form, looking around at his friends for help. Finally, it was Juuhachigou who saved Oolong's pigskin.  
  
"Actually, Suiza, I was hoping that you could tell me about your motorcycles," the blond android interrupted. "My brother's thinking about buying a new one."  
  
Suiza, running slender fingers through silky blond hair, perked up then. She always loved talking about motorcycles. "What's he interested in?" she asked.  
  
Juuhachigou told her, and Suiza began to speak at length about the best kind of motorcycles for Juunanagou's lifestyle and home terrain. While she and Juuhachigou were talking, Oolong and Puar quickly slipped away from the table, where they had been having a late dinner. He looked gratefully at Juuhachigou, who winked at him.  
  
As the human-once-again-turned-pig and the cat reached the elevator to get to the floor that Candy and Roshi were on, Puar spoke quietly to Oolong, "Oolong, Suiza's really starting to get suspicious. I could tell, from the strange looks that she was giving us. I don't think she's buying your bathroom break excuses or your coffee breaks anymore, or at least she won't be for much longer. We've been at least two other dates with her since that last time we went to the movies, and it's getting too much for all three of us. I understand why you didn't tell her today, but Oolong, you can't put off telling her the truth for much longer."  
  
"I know, Puar, I know," Oolong said wearily, as he and Puar waited for the elevator. "I just wish there was some way I could keep my human shape for longer periods of time."  
  
"Just tell her," Puar encouraged. "If she really likes you, she'll accept you for who you truly are. And if she doesn't, well, it's not meant to be."  
  
Oolong sighed. "I wish there was a way for me to know for sure that Suiza liked me just for who I am, no matter what I truly look like. Could she ever love this little pink pig standing right here, or could she only love this?" And after that, he transformed into his Nappa-look-alike and back again to his natural pig form.  
  
"If she truly cares for you," Puar told him, "then she'll love you in your real form as well. Why don't you just go back to her in your real form and tell her then and there? I'll go back with you after we leave Master Roshi, Candy, and their baby."  
  
"I guess it's time then, isn't it?" Oolong agreed. "And Puar, I know that I've put you through a hard time these past few weeks, but I really do appreciate all the help you've been giving me."  
  
"Thanks," Puar panted simply. "Although, I'll be glad when we don't have to keep up this deception any longer. Trust me, Oolong; you'll feel better once you reveal yourself, no matter what happens."  
  
"I hope so," Oolong told her uncertainly, as the elevator doors opened. He and Puar entered the empty elevator, but unbeknownst they weren't entering alone.  
  
Puar turned around to press the button, but when she did, she bumped into someone, a young man with a menacing grin. Before she could react, he seized Puar by her throat, and Puar shrieked a loud meow.  
  
Oolong abruptly turned around, and he shouted at Puar's attacker, "Hey, you let her, you-oh, no!" He gulped, seeing Puar's captor surrounded by three other human men.  
  
"Oh, yes, little piggy and little kitty," Puar's captor replied cruelly. "So, Oolong, I knew you were hiding something. So you're really a pig? Wonder how Suiza will take to that. Hey guys, you think that my woman will want to date a piggy?" He ran his thick fingers through the blue-green Mohawk on his head. The arm that the fingers belonged to was wrapped with gauze bandages.  
  
"You let us go!" Puar shrieked.  
  
"Oh, we will, pretty kitty," her captor promised her. "Just as soon as we have a chat with you and Suiza's new piggy boyfriend there." He then flung Puar's small feline body towards Oolong, who caught her in time.  
  
"You have no right to bully us!" Oolong insisted.  
  
"Nor do you have a right to deceive my Suiza, right, boys?"   
  
The other men laughed and agreed wholeheartedly. Oolong and Puar huddled close to each other, as the elevator moved up. They both started shaking when Puar's blue-haired captor pulled out a long switchblade and casually licked the tip of it.  
  
Both Oolong and Puar tensed, as Teal and three of his fellow Rumblers walked stealthily towards them, as one of Teal's friends pushed the emergency stop button on the elevator. Teal grinned wickedly, as he calmly brandished his switchblade. 


	8. Chapter Eight: Busted!

Chapter Eight: Busted!  
  
Puar cowered near Oolong, as the grinning Teal caressed the tip of his switchblade with his tongue. Oolong gulped, and his whole body trembled. If he had been able to sweat, he would have. All he could do was fan himself rapidly with one hand.  
  
"Well, little piggy," Teal crooned, "how do you think Suiza's going to react when she finds out that her new boyfriend's literally a pig?"  
  
"You're one to talk," Puar huffed before she thought. "I can see why Suiza dumped you. I don't blame her; she deserves better."  
  
Leaping forward, Teal lashed his knife out at Puar, who meowed a scream and fell back. Unfortunately, Teal's blade sliced a cut into Puar's left arm.  
  
"Meowww!" Puar shrieked in pain. The cut wasn't deep, but it still bled and hurt. She held her arm to prevent further bleeding.  
  
Oolong clenched his fists. "That was uncalled for! She did nothing to you!"  
  
"Next time I use my blade, piggy, I'll be enjoying some sliced ham," Teal replied nastily, glaring as Oolong examined Puar's injured arm.   
  
Trembling, he turned his head towards Teal and asked shakily, "What do you want from us?"  
  
"Simple, piggy," Teal replied with a grin, as his two friends chuckled maliciously.   
  
"Break it off with Suiza, or I'll reveal who you really are."  
  
"What if we were to tell you that Suiza already knows the truth?" Oolong asked defiantly, hoping that Teal wouldn't call his bluff.  
  
"Yeah!" Puar cried, a bit braver that she felt she should have. "You're bothering us for nothing!"  
  
One of Teal's two friends, Hatchet, scratched above his eyepatch. He was a bald, huskily built man, about the same size as Oolong in his Nappa-like disguise had been. The eye patch concealed a glass eye underneath. He commented to Teal, "Hey, Teal, what if the piggy and the kitty are right? What if Suiza already knows?"  
  
"Yeah, Teal, what if they're telling the truth?" asked a short, somewhat muscular man in his late teens named Beerbell. He was called that because he used cans of beer in his weight training.  
  
"Don't be stupid," Teal scoffed. "If Suize already knew the truth, the piggy here wouldn't have panicked when I busted him. He wouldn't have cared that I found out who, or rather what he really was. Nah, boys, Suiza knows nothin' at all about her new boy toy, or should I say_pig toy!" Hatchet and Beerbell laughed at this because they knew it was expected of them.  
  
A pale Oolong continued to shake. Seeing that Teal hadn't fallen for his and Puar's bluff, he tried to think. Just how would he and Puar escape?  
  
As he was frantically thinking, Teal asked almost sweetly, "So, Piggy, are you going to be a good hog and give up Suiza, or I am going to have to expose you? Do you really think Suize is going to want to stay with a non-human?"  
  
Oolong gulped, and he was near tears. Teal was right; Suiza surely wouldn't want him, knowing that he was not human. Seeing his distress, Puar yelled at Teal, "Well, guess what? Oolong was already going to tell Suiza today, as soon as we got back. So, you're wasting your time. We're telling Suiza ourselves!"  
  
"Really?" Teal asked smoothly.  
  
"That's right!" Oolong cried.  
  
"Well, go ahead and tell her, and see, if she'll accept you then. Yeah, a human woman's really going to date a pig! Can you imagine how her fellow Leathernecks would feel about it? Suiza's very close to her friends, and she cares what they think. Why would a babe like Suiza want to date an ugly little piggy when she could be dating a real man like me? Get real, porky; it ain't happenin'."  
  
"Let Suiza decide that!" Puar insisted.  
  
"I dated Suize before, kitty, so I know what she likes, which is strong, good-lookin' men, not someone she could turn into pork chops or ham. But yeah, you and Mr. Piggy can go ahead and tell Suize everything; really, go ahead. I'm all for it actually; that means Suiza will come back to me much sooner."  
  
"Yeah!" Hatchet declared. "And even if Suize were to accept a piggy as her boyfriend, her pals sure wouldn't! That fat friend of hers, Handyman, would be cravin' some ham right afterwards."  
  
Oolong felt discouraged. He gulped again.  
  
Teal chuckled, licking the tip of his switchblade again. "If Suiza did accept a porker, and her buddies were okay with it, well_there'd still be a problem."  
  
"Wh-why's that?" Oolong asked shakily.  
  
"'Cause I want Suiza back myself, and I'm not givin' up 'til I get her, and if I have to eliminate the competition, that's just what I'll have to do. So either way, porky, you ain't getting her. She's mine."  
  
"Suiza belongs to nobody but herself!" Puar declared, again before she thought.  
  
"That's right! And..." Oolong began, frantically trying to think of more of a comeback."I've got really, really powerful friends! Friends who are capable of fighting monsters like Cell...in fact, they whooped his tail and saved Earth, so if you mess with me and Puar, they'll whoop you guys too!"  
  
Teal, Hatchet, and Beerbell snorted and laughed contemptuously. "Hope one of those 'powerful' friends of yours is Hercule!" Teal jeered. "Everyone knows that it was Hercule who saved us all from Cell!"  
  
"Oh, please!" Puar sneered. "Hercule didn't beat Cell; Gohan did!"  
  
"Gohan! Just who the hell is he?" Beerbell demanded to know.  
  
Oolong jabbed Puar in her ribs, and Puar realized that she had forgotten that no one outside of the Z fighters and their friends knew the truth about who had really destroyed Cell.  
  
"Who cares? They're just messin' with us!" Hatchet insisted. "But they better quit smearin' our hero's good name! Nobody puts down Hercule or lies about him!"  
  
"That's right!" Beerbell added. "Hercule could beat us all in one blow!"  
  
"Exactly," Teal agreed, crossing his arms and glaring towards Oolong and Puar. "We're among Hercule's biggest fans, and we won't let anyone mess with his good name."  
  
Foolishly, Oolong jeered, "You guys are idiots, if you look up to that dork! Hercule couldn't even put a dent in Cell's scaly, green hide--"  
  
His rash speech was cut off when Beerbell slugged him across his snout, sending Oolong crashing to the floor. Puar zipped down towards her friend, but before she could reach him, Teal seized her tail and yanked her towards him, ignoring her loud, shrieking meows of pain and fear. Puar turned around and lashed at her captor with her claws, but Teal punched her hard in the back of her head, knocking her out. She was now hanging limply by her tail in Teal's tightly clenched fist.  
  
Oolong sprung from the floor to confront Teal, but Beerbell and Hatchet fell upon him, slugging and punching him so hard and so fast that he was unable to react in anyway; he couldn't even shape-shift. Ringed and tattooed fists hammered at him repeatedly, and by the time, Teal's henchmen were through, Oolong was no more than a heap of bruised, bloodied pigskin. He lay on his side with his face turned down towards the cold floor.  
  
As Oolong gasped and wheezed for air, Teal casually tossed Puar's unconscious body towards Beerbell, who easily caught the base of her tail. Teal then bent down towards Oolong and said with a sly smile, "Now, piggy, I'll tell you what: I'm going to give you a chance to have Suiza for yourself and make me go away for good."  
  
"Wh-what?" Oolong coughed, as a trickle of blood oozed from his already swelling lips.  
  
"All you have to do, piggy," Teal said silkily, "is defeat me in a motorcycle race over on Bloodstone Road, twenty-five miles from Suiza's bar. If you win, Suiza is yours forever, and I'll never tell her what a pig you really are. But if you lose, porky, then Suiza gets to know about Mr. Piggy, and you have to ditch her for good. Is that clear?"  
  
Oolong gasped, trying a last-minute attempt at bravery, "What if...I tell Suiza...before this race...then...you can't--"  
  
Teal interrupted him by lightly stroking his chin with the tip of his switchblade. "I thought you might be stupid enough to go that route, piggy, so I'm going to give you an incentive to cooperate: me and my boys are taking the kitty-cat as an insurance policy. If you beat me in that race, you can keep both Suiza, your dirty little secret, and the cat. But we'll just hold onto Puar until then, and if you tell Suize the truth 'bout yourself before the race, I'll be makin' myself a brand new kitty-cat stole. Got it?"  
  
"Leave...her...out of this."  
  
Teal chuckled. "You're the one who dragged her into this, piggy, so if she winds up as a new accessory, you'll be to blame. But, I'm sure you're not always as stupid as you've been acting, so I'll expect to see you race against me three weeks from today at 2PM sharp. It's been fun, porky, but me and my boys have got to take our feline insurance policy and go. See ya soon, pig-boy!" And he arose, ordering Hatchet to undo the emergency elevator stop. Hatchet pressed the button for the first floor, instead of the one where Oolong and Puar had been originally headed.  
  
As the elevator restarted and arrived at the first floor, Teal called to Oolong, as the heavy doors opened, "You're a braver piggy than I thought, Oolong, but no matter what, Suiza wants a real human man, not a piggy one! You wasted your time posin' as a human to get her, porky, so bye now!" And laughing confidently with his buddies, they strolled out the door, with Puar's body still swinging from Beerbell's tightly clenched fist.  
  
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However, a strange sight greeted the gangsters when they left the elevator: a large Siberian husky was hunched down, growling menacingly at them. Beerbell merely laughed and swung Puar's body towards the dog's direction.  
  
"Hey, doggy, want a free meal!" he jeered. He stopped his teasing when Teal smacked him hard on the back of his head.  
  
"Don't start with the mutt!" Teal hissed. "We can't let anything happen to our insurance policy...yet. Let's go!"  
  
The gray-and-white dog's growls turned to snarls, and then it flung itself at them. Panicked, Teal yelled, "Let's split now!" And the three men fled the furious animal, as the dog continued to bark and snarl, but oddly enough, did not give pursuit.  
  
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Groggily, Oolong slowly awoke in what seemed to be hours later. Still in the elevator, he sat up unsteadily, as the Siberian husky continued to lick his face and whine piteously. Earlier, it had even barked repeatedly until Oolong had awoken. He smiled slowly and looked at his rescuer out of two blackened, puffy eyes. "Thanks," he murmured gruffly.  
  
The dog merely nodded, and then to Oolong's surprise, it spoke in a husky, feminine voice:  
  
"You don't recognize me, do you?"  
  
"Can't...recall..." he puffed.  
  
The dog favored Oolong with an almost human smirk. It chuckled, as it momentarily vanished into a puffy cloud, and then reappearing as--  
  
"SASSY?" Oolong exclaimed.  
  
Crossing her now human arms, Sassy leaned against the elevator back wall. The elevator was stalled, with Sassy having pushed the emergency stop button earlier. "So, you're a shape-shifter too," she affirmed.  
  
"Yeah..." Oolong admitted miserably. "I really am a pig."  
  
"You've got that right," Sassy agreed with a smirk. "So, when were you plannin' to tell Suize?"  
  
"Today...I swear," Oolong moaned. "I-I know I was wrong not to tell Suize before, and I'm sorry...just didn't think she'd want me, if she knew that I was a pig, instead of a human."  
  
"She still had the right to know," Sassy insisted sternly. When she saw Oolong's pained expression, she added in a softer tone, "But I can understand why ya didn't, really. But you're not giving her enough credit; Suiza looks on the inside of a person, not the outside."  
  
"I know, but she'll be even madder at me now 'cause I didn't tell her from the start."   
  
"So when are ya plannin' to tell her? When you two are grandparents?"  
  
"After the race, I swear it! Look, Sassy, please, please don't tell her!" Oolong begged, clasping his head and looking at her pitifully. "I'm not who she thinks I am, and what if you're wrong; what if she really wants a human guy?"  
  
"What if I told you that I knew Suize from the time I was a pup?" Sassy replied with a snort. "And that I know her better than anyone?"  
  
"A pup?" Oolong exclaimed, evading the real issue. "You mean that you're originally a dog, instead of a human?"  
  
"Of course I am! And she knows it too! Now why don't you just go tell her the truth! She already knows what a scumbag Teal really is; this will just confirm it!"  
  
"'Cause of Puar--oh, I forgot about her! They took her away!" Oolong cried. "Teal said if I told Suiza the truth before the race, he'd make Puar into a stole!"  
  
Sassy sighed. "Teal doesn't make idle threats, I'm afraid, but look, if it's your kitty friend you're worried about, I'll get the other Leathernecks, and we'll all go after the Rumblers together. Bigfoot and the other guys have been wantin' an excuse to rumble with those bastards for the past month, since that time they invaded our territory. Give us a day or two, and we'll get your friend back to you. Just don't get the cops involved 'cause if they catch Bigfoot and Scam fightin', they'll arrest them automatically. Bigfoot's on probation for the last time we fought against the Rumblers, and we don't want him to go to jail. And Scam also got in trouble for fightin' them, as well as couple of his get-rich-quick schemes--he's not called Scam for nothin'. I don't want my buds behind bars."  
  
"But the Rumblers still have Puar now!" Oolong insisted. "What do I tell my friends? They'll wonder what happened to Puar!"  
  
"Just tell 'em that Teal and his thugs beat you two up and snatched your friend--and tell Suiza the truth about who you really are!"  
  
"I can't do that!" Oolong argued. "She'll hate me, I know it! Please, Sassy, at least let me wait until after the race to tell Suiza the truth! If I lose, I swear that I'll go away and never bother her or any of you guys again. And if I win, I'll tell her then, I promise! Even, if Puar gets rescued before the race, Teal and his thugs will never leave me alone, unless I can stand up to them and show Suiza how much care I truly care about her. I've got to be a man now, Sassy, even if I really am just a pig."  
  
Sassy scoffed, "Um, there's just one problem with all this bravery of yours: your hundreds of potty breaks a day! You can't tell Teal, 'Oh, Teal, let's stop for five mins, so I can run to the bathroom!' You'll be laughed right off the road!"  
  
Oolong gulped, knowing Sassy was right. "Well, Sassy, there's something I have to tell you..." And he admitted shamefacedly that his "potty breaks" existed because he could only maintain his shape for five minutes. Sassy burst into laughter, and she fell against the wall, pounding at it.  
  
"Five minutes! What kind of shape-shifting school did you graduate from?"  
  
"Okay, okay, stop laughing, will ya? Alright, so I cheated on my exam at the Shape-Shifting Academy and later got my diploma revoked when I was caught." He wasn't about to tell her that he had been booted partially because it had been discovered that he had stolen all of the female teachers' panties. She already had enough to pick on him about, and he'd be a bigger joke among the Leathernecks than he was now.  
  
Sassy just shook her head. "Pitiful, but who am I to judge? After all, I nearly got booted from my shape-shifting school when I got caught impersonating this old fart of a teacher I hated named Mr. Lodraft. While I was disguised as him, I got drunk on purpose and made a pass at some sweet young thing, so I could get him fired, but it didn't work. Seriously, though, if you really insist on going through with this race that Teal demanded, I'll help you work on shape-shifting for longer periods of time."  
  
"And I don't have to tell Suiza 'bout my really being a pig until after the race?"  
  
Sassy sighed heavily. "I should make you do that before the race, but you've...been punished enough. And for now, I'll keep my mouth shut. But for now, Oolong, I've got to take Suize home. I went to Kame Island to pick her up, and some strange, big green guy with a turban and cape told me you and she would be here. By the way, give my congrats to Candy Apple Roshi, if she already had her baby. Here, I'll carry you to your friends." And, with an unusual gentleness, she bent down towards him and cautiously lifted him into her arms, cradling him.  
  
It was then, that Oolong remembered that Sassy was pregnant. "Are you sure you want to be carrying me in your condition?"  
  
"I'm a strong woman, Oolong. I can handle almost anything. Just hang on to me and try not to move too much, 'kay?" And she arose with him in her arms, walking towards the direction of the emergency stop button.  
  
"Wait!" Oolong insisted, as Sassy pushed the button. "You know, Sassy, I've got really strong friends who can save Puar too. Can you tell me where the Rumblers normally hang out?"  
  
Sassy looked skeptical. She seriously doubted that Oolong had any friends who were that much stronger than him, but she reluctantly told him where the Rumblers' hangout was, which was thirty miles from Suiza's businesses. She planned to have her fellow Leathernecks attack the Rumblers' place anyway, not truly believing that Oolong's friends would be of much use.  
  
She then handed Oolong a slip of paper. "Here's my number. Call me. And I'll let you know when we saved Puar. Now call me, Oolong. And I mean it. Don't be like my recent dates who tell me they'll call and then don't."  
  
"Gotcha."  
  
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Thirty minutes later...  
  
"C'mon, Vegeta, Puar needs us!" Krillin pleaded.  
  
"Yeah, for once, don't be such a jerk," Juuhachigou insisted.  
  
"I don't want Puar left alone with those creeps any longer than necessary!" Yamucha added furiously.  
  
Vegeta growled, crossing his arms. He could have honestly cared less about going to rescue the pet of his former rival for Bulma. But it wouldn't be Krillin's pleading and Juuhachigou and Yamucha's demanding that would get him to help; in the end, as usual, the thought of Bulma giving him no peace later that evening would sway him. Besides tonight was supposed to be "their" night, and if he didn't make Bulma happy, he knew he'd likely spend that night on the couch.  
  
"Fine, let's hurry up and go!" he ordered. Bulma smiled at him and kissed his stiff cheek.  
  
"I knew there was a reason I stayed with you all this time," she said happily.  
  
"I thought it was because I knew how to please you between the sheets," he told her bluntly. He grinned when he saw Bulma clench her fists; he knew she wanted to pummel him for saying that in front of their friends.  
  
But when he saw a trembling Oolong out of the corner of his eye, he suddenly snapped at him, "You and that cat are more trouble than you two are worth! If you had told that new woman of yours the truth about you being a pig in the first place, this wouldn't have happened in the first place!"  
  
A now bandaged and cleaned Oolong hung his head in shame, knowing that Vegeta was right. Krillin patted his shoulder and said to the others, "Look, let's just get Puar back, okay?"  
  
"Whatever," Vegeta replied. "Anyway, it's been a while since I had a good fight. At least I'll get to use my fists again, even if they'll only be on cowardly humans who have nothing better to do than terrorize animals. Let's go. Now."  
  
Juuhachigou, Krillin and Yamucha gave him no argument, even though Yamucha thought that Vegeta could have been more sensitive to Puar's plight. But then sympathy had never been one of the Saiyan prince's strong points. He and Krillin followed Vegeta down the hallway.  
  
Holding an ice pack over the worst of his swollen eyes, Oolong, ashamed of his earlier cowardice and weakness, sank to the floor. The guilt in his heart twisted and poked like a corkscrew. Still, he felt eternally thankful that Sassy had only told Suiza that the Rumblers had kidnapped Puar without revealing that Oolong had been exposed as a pig. Sassy and Suiza had wanted to gather their fellow Leathernecks and go after the Rumblers, but Yamucha and Krillin just barely convinced them that it would be best, if they handled things.  
  
"What? You don't think Suiza and I can fight?" Sassy had asked indignantly, clenching her still human fists. "We've been in plenty of fights before, especially with the Rumblers! You guys don't know what those bastards can be like sometimes. We know how to handle 'em!"  
  
"So do we," Krillin told her. "Look, unless these guys have any special superpowers or are anything other than human, we can deal with them."  
  
"Alright," Sassy said, a little grudgingly. "But, we're steppin' in, if you guys get trampled by those creeps!"  
  
"Give them a chance to handle this, Sass," Suiza finally said calmly. "Besides you're about due to give birth anytime. You don't need to risk your baby's life, nor do Bigfoot, Scam, and Handyman need to risk another run-in with the law."  
  
Reluctantly, Sassy gave in, and she and Suiza had finally left, after Suiza had assured Oolong that she didn't hold it against him because he couldn't defeat Teal and his bunch. She had hugged him and offered to stay, but Oolong repeatedly and firmly told her to go with Sassy, that he would be alright. Suiza wasn't happy about leaving him, but for once, Oolong stood his ground with her and told her to go home and rest. But, even after Suiza's promise to call him the next day, Oolong still didn't feel any better, and he felt like a true wimp.  
  
His remaining friends didn't help much to make him feel better . "Oolong, you should have told Suiza the truth before she left!" Bulma declared after Vegeta and the others had left.  
  
"I know, I know, but I was afraid that Teal would hurt Puar, if I did. And I promised Sassy that I'd tell the truth after I won the race against Teal."  
  
"You're still going through with that stupid race?" Chichi fumed, shaking her fists at Oolong. "Just like men! You fools always have to think that you have to challenge or fight each other to prove your manliness!"  
  
"I agree with Chichi," Bulma snapped. "Oolong, just tell Suiza the truth and forget about that race!"  
  
"No way!" Oolong repiled vociferously. "Look, I have to do this on my own and stand up to Teal once and for all. It's the only way. If I still wasn't so messed up, I would have gone with the others to go rescue Puar. Since I can't do that, I can at least try to beat Teal at his own game. I owe that much to Suiza--and Puar. I especially owe Puar, because I got her into this mess."  
  
"What about the fact that you can only keep any form for only five minutes?" Bulma demanded to know. "How are you going to handle that during the race?"  
  
"Sassy's going to help me train to shape-shift for longer periods of time."  
  
Bulma and Chichi looked at him in skeptical disbelief, but gave no further argument. However, Bulma, almost always having to have the last word, said:  
  
"Well, don't do anything stupid like try to take her panties."  
  
Oolong, strangely enough, hadn't thought about Sassy's underwear, but now that Bulma had mentioned it, trying to snag a pair of Sassy's panties didn't seem like such a bad idea. Sassy was almost as hot as Suiza, even if she was pregnant.  
  
But then again, he better not. He'd have a hard time explaining to Suiza later, as to just how he ended up with a pair of her best friend's underwear.  
  
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"Sass, can I talk to you about somethin'?"  
  
"Sure, Suize, what's on your mind?"  
  
"It's about Oolong...and Puar."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Now in her pig form, Suiza sighed, as she leaned into the passenger seat of Sassy's candy-apple red aircar. She knew that Sassy, now back in canine form, usually preferred using her motorcycle, and it was only when she was taking more than one other passenger, shopping, or traveling a great distance, that she bothered to use her ten-year-old, battered vehicle at all. Yet, for such an older car, it was in unusually good shape, thanks to the Leathernecks' extensive knowledge about car and motorcycle parts.  
  
"I know this is going to sound selfish, Sass, considering what happened to Puar today, but I think that Oolong...may like Puar more than I thought."  
  
"No way! He's into you, that's clear!"  
  
"Is it, Sass?" Suiza asked worriedly. "During those numerous potty and coffee breaks of his, I've had to wonder. Puar always left with him each time. So, couldn't it be, that maybe Oolong is seeing...both Puar and me at the same time? I know it'd be strange or a human man to date a cat, but then, he's seeing me too, and I'm a pig, and...oh, Sass, what if it's Puar he really wants? He felt awfully bad that he couldn't help go save her."  
  
"He's just feelin' bad 'cause he couldn't protect her against Teal and his gang, and that he can't make it up to her; don't worry about it for now. Besides, Oolong's not the sort of guy who can pull off being a two-timer and get away with it; even, if he was, I don't think he'd do it to you. Puar's just his friend, I promise; I doubt a little kitty would really be his type. I got to know him a bit, bringing him to you and his friends. You're right, Suize, he's not such a bad guy. A bit of a wimp at times, perhaps, but basically a good fellow."  
  
Running her hand through her sweat-soaked hair, Suiza was considerably relieved. She had felt a bit jealous when she had seen Oolong and Puar go off together so many times. Maybe they were just overly chummy with each other; at least she hoped so.  
  
"Oolong definitely wants you, and only you. Relax--and let's hope that Oolong's human buddies can really take on the Rumblers. If not, Bigfoot and the others will be glad to go in."  
  
"Those Rumblers aren't for amateurs to mess with."  
  
"Don't I know it! But if Oolong's pals have as much brawn as that Vegeta guy has temper, they'll have a good chance." Sassy saw Suiza's house below them on the ground, and she prepared the aircar for a landing.  
  
As the aircar gracefully touched the ground, Sassy said softly, "Hey, Suize, can I give you a bit of advice concernin' Oolong before you go in?"  
  
"Sure, I'm all ears."  
  
"Tell Oolong the truth about yourself, okay? Soon."  
  
"Can't do it, Sass. If he wouldn't have a cat for a girlfriend, he's sure not going to have a pig for one. 'Sides, maybe it'd be better, if I broke things off with Oolong anyway."  
  
"Why?" Sassy exclaimed, horrified.  
  
Suiza could no longer look at Sassy. Instead, she looked at the window, into the dark, cloudy night. Carefully and slowly speaking, she whispered, "'Cause of Teal. It isn't right that any guys I date get beat up by Teal and his buddies. I think I'm just putting Oolong in danger, and that's not right. I-I can't let Oolong continue to live in fear of Teal and those other bastards. Yeah, Sass, I...think I am going to end it between us. It's over."  
  
Sassy nearly seized her friend's shoulder, wanting to shake her. "Suiza, you're crazy! If you break up with Oolong just 'cause of Teal's bullying, Teal wins! He'll know that he'll be able to keep any other guy away from you, just by beating them up!"  
  
"And he's right! Oolong could have died today!" Suiza suddenly screamed. Tears glossed over her eyes, but she refused to release them. But she did punch her fist into the dashboard. "I should have stayed with him, instead of having you take me home!" She then smashed her fist against the leathery dashboard once more.  
  
"Suize, he wasn't left alone, okay? 'Sides, you can call him tomorrow!"  
  
Restraining for now any further emotion, Suiza slowly leaned back into her seat, as her hands slid onto her lap. "I will," she replied, now strangely calm. "To end things. I'm not going to risk having him hurt any longer. It's better for both our sakes, Sass. I'll end things tomorrow with Oolong and then go get a restraining order against Teal and his bunch. It's better this way." Her voice was now robotic, bled dry of all passion.  
  
"I don't think so," Sassy retorted, still having plenty of spirit left.  
  
"I do; it's my decision, Sass. I'm telling Oolong goodbye."  
  
Sassy sighed in heavy disapproval, but didn't argue further with her. Perhaps, tomorrow, Suiza would be better able to see reason and maybe reconsider things. She'd talk to the other Leathernecks, and they'd be able to bring Suize back to her senses.  
  
Suiza was quiet for a few minutes, and Sassy dared not to say a word just yet. But she did notice her friends's chubby, white fists clench once more. Suiza's eyes were now shut tight, and low hissing sounds escaped through her teeth. Two small, soft sobs popped up from her throat.  
  
Before Sassy knew it, Suiza slammed her fist into the dashboard again, and she saw several unwanted tears creep down Suiza's pale, plump cheeks. Sassy promptly gathered her friend into her embrace, and Suiza, who hadn't cried since her Aunt Louisa had died, burst into further tears, worn down by her friend's sympathy.  
  
"I hate that bastard, Teal! He's ruining my life, and my chances of moving on! What did I ever see in him, Sass? And now, I've got to tell Oolong it's over! I HATE TEAL! I HATE HIM! Why, Sassy, why can't he let me go?"  
  
Sassy, for once, couldn't give Suiza any advice or clever remarks. Instead, she hugged her friend tighter, as Suiza wept on her shoulder. Outside of the car, they both heard the gentle, unexpected rumbles of early thunder. 


	9. Chapter Nine: Unwelcome Visitors And New...

**

* * *

Chapter Nine: Unwelcome Visitors And News  
**  
"Hey, Teal, check out this issue of _Playthings_! Sashay Sweets is on the cover again!"  
  
Teal whistled, long and low, at the scantily clad model on the front cover of one of the Rumblers' favorite porn magazines. "She's hot stuff, ain't she? And I noticed her boobs are two sizes bigger! More than a handful, or a mouthful, dependin' on how ya look at it."  
  
Beerbell said thoughtfully, as he leaned back in a chair with two shaky legs ready to break off anytime. "You know I just saw this babe in some maternity wear catalog that looks just like her. Who'd ever thought that a pregnant chick could look so hot? Real, dark red hair, pretty green eyes…her hubby's one lucky man! Even read that article about her…she don't sound quite sane though. Claims that she was once some Candy Apple doll brought to life by the same old geezer who knocked her up and married her. What can a hot babe like Candy Apple Roshi see in that old fart? Yeah, sure, Roshi supposedly was one of the world's strongest men, but that was a century ago."  
  
Hatchet scoffed. "More than that! Our parents weren't even around when he supposedly won that Tenkaichi Budokai. Anyway, that old man has to have something to make a doll like Candy Apple want him. What could he have? Money?"  
  
Teal snorted. "He lives on some little-bitty island with an old turtle, a freeloading couple, and some pig…possibly that Piggy that Suiza likes so much. Maybe the old man can still get it up good enough to make Candy Apple want him." And then, he, Hatchet, and Beerbell shuddered at the thought of Candy and Roshi in bed together.  
  
Determined to push that awful image out of his mind, Teal strolled over to his picture window, which had two broken panes, stuffed with rags. He lovingly patted the wall of his tiny, cluttered living room, as he stared out into the murky, churning water that rocked his houseboat, the _Suiza_, back and forth. The houseboat was slowly crumbling, but it was still steady enough to stay afloat. The marina that was the home of the _Suiza_, had been deserted for a long time, except for a few poor fishermen and some of the area's worst thugs or thieves. The marina was the perfect place for them, but not even the most daring criminals or would-be-criminals would dare to harass the Rumblers, or invade what was left floating of the _Suiza_.  
  
Teal had bought the houseboat cheaply while he and Suiza had been together, but until two months ago, he had been using it for only a clubhouse for himself and the other Rumblers. He had recently been kicked out of his last apartment in a housing complex where he had punched out his landlord, who had made the unfortunate mistake of demanding two months' previously unpaid rent. Teal had prided himself on being smart enough to move out before the landlord had a chance to leave the hospital where he had been staying and press charges.  
  
If the landlord ever found him though, Teal knew he'd owe much more money than he did now. And very little income was flowing into his life, as it was, so perhaps the talking kitty could be used for possible ransom…  
  
Beerbell interrupted Teal's thoughts, asking gruffly, "Hey, whose turn is it to feed the kitty?"  
  
"I fed her last time," Hatchet insisted. "So, you do it. And while you're at, change her litter box!"  
  
"I don't do litter boxes."  
  
"Well, I'm not cleanin' it!"  
  
"You morons!" Teal interrupted. "That kitty hasn't been usin' her litter box!"  
  
"What kind of cat doesn't use a litter box?" Beerbell demanded to know.  
  
"Yeah, whoever last had her probably let her pee and crap all over the house," Hatchet added.  
  
"No, you geniuses!" Teal scoffed. "The kitty uses a toilet, she's got to know how to use one, if she's smart enough to talk. And since I don't want cat pee stinkin' up the place, one of ya's gonna take her to the potty."  
  
"Well, Beerbell can take her."  
  
"Hey, I fed her, so you take her, Hatchet!"  
  
"No way! What if she decides to spray on me?"  
  
"It's only guy cats that spray, dummy!"  
  
"They're called _tomcats_, idiot!"  
  
"Whatever! Just take her to pee!" Teal shouted.  
  
"Fine, I'll do it," Beerbell grumbled. "I always wind up with the grunt work anyway."  
  
"You wind up with the grunt work? Who was the one that had to patch together that crate for a cage?"  
  
"Yeah, well, I bought the cat food, but the kitty wouldn't eat it!"  
  
"Yeah, well, who had to knock her out again, after she tried to claw ya?"  
  
"ENOUGH!" Teal roared. "Look, the fleabag's tied up so tight, she can barely breathe! Just plop her butt on the toilet, tell her to do her business, rinse her off with a hose and dump her back in the cage! Even Suiza's stupid friends, Scam and Handyman, could pull that off."  
  
"I'm going," Beerbell huffed, as he trudged over to the shabbily repaired crate/cage that was Puar's prison. Puar lay on the ground, only half-conscious, as she listened to the scuffing of Beerbell's raggedy boots on the unevenly planked floor. Through one still good eye, she saw Beerbell unlocking the padlock on her cage.  
  
She was too weary to meow or screech a protest when Beerbell seized her by the scruff of her neck. The ropes binding her were so tight, that she could barely breathe; she couldn't even shape-shift. She hung limply in Beerbell's greasy hand, as Beerbell hauled her to the tiny bathroom.  
  
As Beerbell plopped her onto the toilet seat, he barked, "Okay, kitty, do your stuff and get it over with!"  
  
Puar gasped, "Can't…ropes too tight…can't squeeze anything out, not even pee."  
  
"You can pee an' poop alright, kitty; no ropes can stop ya from doing that!" Beerbell insisted. "What you think I'm stupid or somethin'?"  
  
Puar wisely did not answer that question.  
  
Struggling, as much as she could, within the ropes' viselike grip, she groaned, "Please, can't you loosen the ropes a little? I'm not stupid either, and I know that you'll stop me, if I try to escape. Sooner I go, the sooner you put me back and forget about me."  
  
Beerbell considered this. "Fine, furbag, you win. But you better not try ta escape, or I'll be makin' me a new jacket—first made out of kitty!"  
  
"Fine, fine," Puar grumbled, as Beerbell slowly loosened the ropes a little, just enough to allow her to breathe and "do her business". But the bit of precious freedom gained also allowed her to perform another action…  
  
"Hey, what the hell do ya think you're doin'?" Hey, STOP!"  
  
But it was too late, for Puar had used what little ki she had to transform—into a great, hulking wolf with sharp teeth and foaming mouth. She growled ferociously and leapt upon Beerbell, shoving him to the ground. Her new claws tore at his clothes, but did not actually harm him. Still, the sight of this new creature was enough to make Beerbell wet his pants.  
  
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" he screamed.  
  
Teal and Hatchet dashed into the bathroom, but they themselves screamed when they saw Beerbell's attacker. Hatchet's usually dark face drained of color, and his knees shook. Finally, he shoved Teal to the side and yelled, "I'm outta here!" But Teal grabbed his arm and yanked him back.  
  
"What are ya—chicken?" Teal hissed, barely concealing his own terror.  
  
"You ain't afraid of that thing, Teal?" Hatchet cried.  
  
"Hell, no—" Teal started to lie, but stopped, as the "wolf" sprang off of Beerbell's sweat-and-urine soaked body and jumped towards him and Hatchet. A hoarse, high-pitched scream ripped from Teal's throat, as he too urinated on himself.  
  
Puar pushed Teal to the ground, growling and snarling in his now pale face. Several sobs escaped from Teal, as he tried not to move or speak too much, hoping that he would be spared. Hatchet quickly seized a chicken bone off of a messy coffee table and waved it hesitantly at the new enemy.  
  
"Here, wolfie, wolfie, come get this nice bone!" he pleaded in vain.  
  
The "wolf" merely looked at Beerbell and growled louder. Beerbell gulped, knowing then that there was no use of distracting the beast.  
  
"Help me, please!" Teal cried, but fear kept Hatchet and Beerbell frozen in place, sweating, too terrified to try any more heroics.  
  
Puar lowered her wolf face closer to Teal's neck and bared even more of her new fangs. The sharpest of them were within millimeters of Teal's throat.  
  
"Please don't…" Teal begged, as Puar's fangs brushed against his throat.  
  
"WHAP! THUNK!"  
  
"Get away!" Beerbell shouted, as he threw full cans of the frozen beer he used in his weight training at the wolf. One actually hit Puar in the side of her head so hard, that she was forced to scurry off of Teal. Teal, usually known for his quick reflexes, started to arise, but then the end of a frozen can shot directly into his left eye.  
  
"OUCH, YOU MORON!" he screamed at Beerbell, as he clamped his hand over his left eye.  
  
"S-Sorry, Teal!" Beerbell cried, "I was just—". He didn't get to finish his sentence, because Puar-the-wolf raced towards him, still growling and snarling. She pounced towards him, even as he chucked two cans of frozen beer at her.  
  
"HELP!" Beerbell yelled.  
  
Hatchet then yanked the cord of a toaster out of a socket and hurled the appliance at Puar-the-wolf. The toaster socked Puar in the back of her head, and she collapsed to the floor, just barely on her knees. She wobbled to her feet again, but Beerbell flung another can of frozen beer towards her head, and this time it struck her on the top of her head. Her eyes fell shut, and she tumbled, almost slowly, to the floor.  
  
But before she did, her body unwillingly changed back into its original form. Her eyelids collapsed over her eyes, and she went limp.  
  
Hatchet cried, "You mean that she can change her form, like Piggy?"  
  
"Yeah-yeah-yeah," Beerbell panted.  
  
Teal snorted, trying to act nonchalant. "Well, she's not a wolf now, is she?"  
  
"Uh…no, no," both Beerbell and Hatchet stammered.  
  
"Then clean up her carcass and toss her back in that crate!"  
  
"Y-Yes sir!"

* * *

_Three hours later…_  
  
"What the hell is taking that pizza man so long?" Teal demanded to know, as he flicked a cigarette butt out of his broken picture window into the water. "'Less than thirty minutes' that pizza company said! Well 'thirty minutes' was an hour ago!" His voice could be heard, even over the torrents of rain pelting against the houseboat's boards and windows. Swift drops of water flowed through the broken window, but the heat outside was more unbearable than the thunderstorm raging, so Teal and his friends endured the rain entering Teal's living room.  
  
"It is kind of hard to find a houseboat, I suppose, Teal," Hatchet slurred. The numerous cans of beer he had consumed were slowing what little intellect he did have.  
  
"Ya know that the other Rumblers are late, right?" Beerbell asked needlessly.  
  
"Hell, yeah!" Teal yelled over a loud boom of thunder. "Why haven't those guys showed up yet? And the women are late too! Hatchet, you promised me that your woman, Rhythm, would bring us some more booze!"  
  
"She-she should be here soon; her old man at home probably made her late. After all that old fart has to have his booze fix, otherwise he gives her a hard time," Hatchet insisted.  
  
"You oughta stop seeing Rhythm 'til she moves out of her old man's home," Beerbell told Hatchet. "Or at least 'til she turns eighteen; she's only three months away. I don't understand how she can buy booze, even with that fake I.D. you got for her."  
  
"The important thing is that she can buy it," Teal insisted. "But yeah, Hatch, Beerbell's got a point. Rhythm's a hot babe, but she's still jailbait. You've got to be more discreet when you see her, man, I'm tellin' ya. No more public dates, like last week."  
  
"But I wanted to take her somewhere nice, for once!" Hatchet cried.  
  
"To a fancy restaurant right across from that donut shop where those cops hang out all the time? Yeah, great idea, Hatch!"  
  
"C'mon, Teal, she looks like she's twenty-one, really!"  
  
"Look, no wench is worth goin' to jail over—" Teal began, but a series of furious, repetitive pounding on the door interrupted him.  
  
"OPEN THIS DOOR NOW!" a guttural voice ordered.  
  
"Who the hell is that?" Hatchet wanted to know.  
  
"Give us back Puar—NOW!" another voice ordered.  
  
"Someone help me, please!" a usually soft-spoken female screamed.  
  
"I told you to be quiet, woman, until we got Yamucha's furball back! When your stupid boyfriend and his pals give up the cat, we'll let you go!"  
  
"Vegeta, let her go! You don't need to take a hostage to make those cowards free Puar!"  
  
"When I want your opinion, Shorty, I'll beat it out of you!"  
  
"Hey, no one calls my husband that, but me!"  
  
"Be quiet, blondie!"  
  
"Hey, watch your mouth! Remember the last time we fought, and I creamed you that day!"  
  
"Hah, that was only because you had me off-guard that day! But I could defeat you now!"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"C'mon, Juuhachigou, let's just go get Puar and pound some sense into her captors."  
  
"I get Teal first. After all, it was my best friend he kidnapped!"  
  
"Take it easy, Yamucha. Puar's our friend too.  
  
"Stop the chatter, all of you, right now—" A shrill scream interrupted his voice.  
  
"Shut up, woman, for the last time! You'll go free once we get Yamucha's pet back!"  
  
"Vegeta, let her go. We don't need her."  
  
"Hell, if we don't! You want your furball back, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, Vegeta, but by taking someone hostage?"  
  
"Look, Yamucha, if you want your furry friend back that badly, you'll help do whatever it takes! It was bad enough that we had to waste our time on that bunch of weaklings that call themselves 'Rumblers'; I only spared all those fools because they were too pathetic to kill! I'll be surprised if they ever leave that pile of human flesh we left them in!"   
  
Listening to the intruders outside the door, Hatchet burst towards the door. "Those bastards have my Rhythm!" he cried. "I'm gonna kill 'em!"  
  
"Wait, you idiot!" Beerbell shouted, following him, but he was too late. Hatchet yanked the door open, and outside stood four very angry, very tough-looking people. One very short man, who had black hair that was upright and pointy as a flame was holding a young, blond, scantily dressed girl over his shoulder. She was kicking and pounding on her captor, but his cold expression betrayed no pain or agony from her feeble attempts.  
  
Hatchet clenched his fists and shook them. "Hey, troll-doll, let go of my woman, or I'll pound ya shorter than you already are!"  
  
A half-smirk appeared on "troll-doll's" face. "Fine, then, try it."  
  
"Ya asked for it!" And Hatchet slammed his fist into Vegeta's face.  
  
"AH, I BROKE MY FIST!"  
  
The half-smirk turned into a full one, and no damage to the face was evident. Vegeta then threw a screaming Rhythm at Hatchet's body, sending her crashing into him. Hatchet barely caught her, but he had no time to help her up, as Vegeta shoved both of them to the side of the doorway and burst into the living room.  
  
"Get him, Beerbell!" Teal ordered.  
  
Beerbell was hesitant to challenge Vegeta after seeing what happened to Hatchet, so he did not move. Finally, Teal gave him a push towards their attacker, and Beerbell gathered what little courage he had left to toss a punch at Vegeta.   
  
Vegeta snorted contemptuously, seized Beerbell's wrist and casually flung him to the side, as if he were a rag doll. Yamucha, Juuhachigou, and Krillin followed him inside, right after Yamucha delivered a hard punch to Hatchet's face, when Hatchet had foolishly released Rhythm to attack him to save what pride he had left.   
  
Panicked, Beerbell tried to climb to his feet, but before he could arise, Yamucha grabbed him by his greasy collar and yelled, "Where's Puar?"  
  
"Oh, ya mean that cat?" Beerbell moaned, with blood trickling down his chin from his mouth. "She's in that crate over there…" Feebly, he pointed towards the crate that held a still-unconscious Puar.  
  
"Thanks," Yamucha told him and threw him to the floor. Beerbell gave a slack grin in response and passed out, as Yamucha left to see to Puar.  
  
Meanwhile, Vegeta had _very_ reluctantly turned Teal over to Juuhachigou and Krillin's not-so-tender mercies. Vegeta, of course, had wanted to pummel Teal himself, being that Teal was the leader, but Juuhachigou and Krillin both loudly protested that Teal had harmed their friends, Oolong and Puar, and they had the right to have a piece of him!  
  
Juuhachigou had already punched Teal several times in his stomach while Krillin had just given him one good hit to the side of his head. Juuhachigou slapped Teal's face hard, but Krillin grabbed her arm, seeing that Teal would not be able to take much more without winding up dead. "That's enough, honey; remember he's weak."  
  
Vegeta scoffed. "All the more reason why you should let your wife finish him off."  
  
"His being weak is supposed to be my problem?" Juuhachigou asked irritably, but she actually complied with her husband's request. She threw Teal's nearly unconscious body to the floor, as Yamucha cautiously crept towards them, carrying Puar.  
  
"She's badly hurt," Yamucha nearly whispered, with tears in his eyes. "Those bastards…" And he gave Teal a swift kick to his ribs.  
  
Juuhachigou and Krillin were near tears themselves, seeing the bloodied, bruised, and mangled body of Puar. Puar was barely breathing, and dried blood coated her fur. Several noticeable lumps protruded from her head, and her eyes were swollen. A loose tooth dangled from her mouth. Juuhachigou covered her mouth in horror, and Krillin gasped and choked on air.  
  
Even Vegeta was having a hard time hiding his emotions. His usually stoic expression changed very little, but rare sympathy shone in his eyes. With unusual gentleness, he picked up an old, ragged shirt from Teal's chair and walked over to Yamucha and Puar. With the astonished Yamucha's help, he carefully wrapped up Puar, covering her as much as he could.  
  
"Th-thanks," Yamucha whispered.  
  
Vegeta grunted a reply, turned on his heel, and walked out of the living room without a word. The others followed him, with Yamucha cradling Puar close to his body, gently stroking her face and praying that he'd get her to Dende's Lookout on time. The rain continued to hammer down upon the rescuers, as Yamucha held his head over Puar's body to try to shelter her as much as possible.

* * *

Oolong didn't sleep much that night in his bed. He tried to read his girlie magazines to distract him, but not even the tempting pictures of nearly nude or nude women could ease his guilt or worry. He was too worried about Puar. Krillin and Juuhachigou had just returned, and they said that Yamucha had driven his skycar to take Puar to Dende's Lookout to have Dende heal Puar. When Krillin spoke softly about how badly Puar had been injured, Oolong had fled to his room to prevent anyone from seeing his tears.  
  
The thunder pounding outside did not help matters, but the relentless rain somehow eased Oolong's agony, matching his mood.  
  
"I'm sorry, Puar," he whispered into the dimness of his room. "I won't ever put you through this again, I promise." Several tears still streamed down his plump cheeks, as he added, "I'm going to tell Suiza everything…tomorrow. I won't let this go…on any longer, okay? Screw Teal and his stupid race!"  
  
He then whispered to the image of Sassy in his head. "I'm sorry too, Sassy, but you're right; I need to tell her…will finally get this over with…"  
  
And he fell into an uneasy sleep.

_The next morning…  
_  
"BRRRRINNNNNG!"  
  
"I've got it!" Oolong cried from his room, as he nearly fell out of bed to answer the phone, hoping it was Suiza calling to check on him. Eagerly, he picked up his phone, which was shaped like a curvy, topless woman stretched out on a couch; the phone had been a free gift to Oolong for renewing one of his magazines.  
  
"Hello?" he asked in a tone between excitement and hesitation.  
  
"Hey, Ooos, good morning. How are ya feelin'?"  
  
"Much better, especially since Puar's been saved."  
  
"Puar's been rescued? So your pals were able to teach the Rumblers a lesson, after all? That's good, though my pals sure are gonna be disappointed they didn't get to cream the Rumblers themselves. Is Puar okay?"  
  
"She will be. And don't worry about me, Suiza; I'll be okay."  
  
"Perhaps…" Suiza began slowly. Oolong didn't like the sudden somber note in her voice. He held his breath, as she said the four words from a woman that very few men like to hear:  
  
"We have to talk."  
  
Oolong gulped. "Sure-sure, Suiza, what's up?"  
  
"Oolong, I'm sorry to tell you this, but after what happened last night…got me thinking…I wasn't right to put you at risk like I've been doin'…"  
  
"Suize, what do you mean?"  
  
"It's Teal, Oolong. After what Teal and those other bastards did to you, well…I can't have you in danger, just 'cause Teal can't give me up. So, I'm getting a restraining order against him, but that doesn't mean that will stop him and the other Rumblers from comin' after you. So, I figured…only way to keep Teal and his bunch from messin' with you and your friends is to…let you go. I'm sorry, Ooos, but it's over…gotta do it for your sake. It's been fun, and just so…you know…I think I was startin' to fall in love with you, but it can't be."  
  
"Suiza, please wait!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Ooos, but I've gotta go. The others are waitin' for me…bye!" And she hung up.  
  
Very slowly, Oolong hung up the phone and sank to his knees. Trying hard not to cry, he banged his fist against his nightstand. His door was partially opened, as Umigame treaded by. Umigame poked his head in the door, noticing Oolong's distress.  
  
"Hey, are you okay?"  
  
A tear escaped Oolong's eye, despite his best efforts. "Suiza called and…broke…up…" He couldn't say anything more, so he settled for punching his nightstand again.  
  
He didn't need to say anything more. Umigame immediately scuttled into Oolong's room and Oolong threw his arms around his neck. Umigame draped his foreleg over Oolong's back, patting it.

* * *

Teal was lying in his hospital bed; he was about to be released that afternoon. He was lying in bed, both bored with nothing to do, and angry with Oolong, because he was certain that "Piggy" had to have hired thugs to teach him and his fellow Rumblers a lesson. Who ever knew that a pig and a cat had such powerful friends?  
  
A nurse, possibly the fattest one in the hospital strolled in and announced gruffly, "You have a visitor."  
  
A slinky woman with blue-black hair sashayed into the room, and Teal nearly fell out of bed when he recognized her. "Blue?" he cried.  
  
Blue smiled, but it was not a nice smile. She ran her slender hands through her silky mane. "'Bout time you got what was comin' to ya, Teal-baby! But don't worry, your precious race is still on, 'cause Oolong's trainin' as we speak, and he's gonna win, and when it's all over, you're gonna feel like a real moron, losing to a "piggy". And then afterwards, you're gonna leave both Suiza and Oolong alone, 'cause if ya don't, sweetheart, we'll make sure ya do. So, get well soon…cause you're gonna need to! Bye-bye now, baby!"   
  
"Wait!" Teal shouted. "You mean that you and others know that Oolong's a—"  
  
"Yup, we sure do, and I guarantee you that once Suiza finds out, it won't matter. Face it, Teal, that pig's more of a man than you'll ever be. Ta-ta!" And Blue happily sauntered out of Teal's room, before Teal could say anything else.

* * *

Roshi was still at the hospital with Candy and baby Kane, and all three of them were due to come home a day or two. All the Kame House residents remaining were adding finishing touches onto Kane's nursery. A still depressed Oolong was helping Krillin to insure that Kane's crib had been properly assembled. Both were completing a final inspection of the crib when a knock was heard on the Kame House door.  
  
"I'll get it!" Marron chirped, racing out of the nursery.  
  
"All of you go ahead," Oolong said quietly. "I don't feel like going."  
  
Krillin nodded in understanding and patted Oolong's shoulder. As the others slowly left, Krillin leaned over and whispered, "Hey, don't worry too much, Oolong. Look, if it's meant to be between Suiza and you, it will happen, I promise. I almost gave up hope of Juuhachigou ever loving me, but eventually she did, and I've never been happier."  
  
"There's no hope for us," Oolong said with a sigh.  
  
"Sure there is!" Krillin told him. "You know though, Oolong, since you feel that there's nothing left to lose, why don't you just tell Suiza the truth now?"  
  
"I was going to today, but before I could, she ended things between us. Anyway, it's over, Krillin, so there's no point. I'll just go back to being the lonely little pig I once was. Teal sure will be happy."  
  
"Yeah, he will, because that bastard automatically wins!" a female voice hissed.  
  
"Sassy?" Oolong exclaimed.  
  
Sassy, in her dog form, was leaning against the doorway, standing upright. "Look Oolong, you may be slow sometimes, but I never thought you'd be a coward. I'm already mad enough at Suiza for dumpin' ya, even though I understand why she did. The other Leathernecks got on her case too!"  
  
"Why?" Oolong asked. "I thought they'd be happy that we were through."  
  
"Hell no! Sure, we teased ya a lot, but we do that with each other too! Yeah, we make fun of ya sometimes, Oolong, but when Suize started seein' ya, she was happier than we've seen her in a long time! So, we actually like ya for that reason alone! But Oolong, I've got ta tell ya…I had ta tell the others your secret, so they'd quit referring to your nonexistent bladder problem. But don't worry…no one's gonna tell Suiza…we left that part to you."  
  
"They-they know?" Oolong gasped.  
  
"Yeah, and they think it's cool that you're a shape-shifter like us, even though you can only do it for five minutes." Sassy didn't add that Scam had nicknamed Oolong the "five-minute wonder", and that she had severely warned him not to call Oolong that to his face.   
  
"So, we're havin' a barbeque at Scam's apartment today, but Suiza won't be there, 'cause she decided she needed a few days away, so she went to visit her cousin. So, you can come over in your original form, and we'll help you shape-shift for longer periods of time."  
  
"I don't know…" Oolong began.  
  
"C'mon! You want to kick Teal's butt in that motorcycle race, don't ya? And you've got to learn how to really ride a motorcycle. So, whatdayasay?"  
  
"I-I—" Oolong stammered, but Juuhachigou appeared behind Sassy and yanked Oolong towards them.  
  
"He says yes," she interrupted, and Oolong knew there was point in protesting. 


	10. Chapter Ten: Lessons Learned

**Chapter Ten: Lessons Learned**

"So, when's Sassy supposed to bring the five-minute wonder to us?"

"C'mon, Scam, you promised Sass that you wouldn't call Oolong that."

"Relax, Blue-baby!" Scam crooned, stroking her cheek. He laughed when she playfully batted away his hand. "I won't say it when he's around, okay; that's all I promised. Besides, how is it he can only shape-shift for five minutes anyway?"

The Leathernecks, in their human forms, were sitting around in Scam's tiny living room, in his almost tinier apartment. Scam was no better a housekeeper than Suiza was, and there was currently a garbage bag in his closet stuffed with papers, magazines, and even some clothing, a bag meant to be sorted through later. A pile of more clothes lay in one corner on the unfinished wooden floor, and every board creaked when stepped on. Scam's best and least damaged piece of furniture was currently a faded, worn, green canvas couch, covered with threadbare orange cushions. It was a comfortable couch, though, and still intact, considering that Scam, with Handyman's help, had swiped it from a neighbor's junk pile, and both men had dropped it three times trying to get it home. Scam was lounging on it, with his arm draped behind Blue's shoulders.

"Doesn't matter at this point, Scam," Bigfoot said, from an unsteady yellow recliner, popping open a can of beer. "We've gotta help him, so we can help Suiza. I haven't seen Suize that miserable over a guy, since she broke it off with Teal." He handed more cans of beer to his friends.

"But, if he can only shape-shift for five mins, how was he able to fool Suize all this time?" Handyman wanted to know, before taking a huge swig of his beer.

"Probably with that shape-shifting kitty friend of his helping out. Yeah, it wasn't good of him to trick Suiza like that, but from what Sassy has told me, he's not a bad guy. He's slow sometimes, maybe even a bit of a wimp, but he's been good to Suiza, other than makin' her think he was human. He makes Suiza happy, and that's the important thing. So, we've gotta get those two lovebirds back together."

"Sassy took Suiza to file a restraining order against Teal before she went to fetch Oolong; do you think Teal will actually follow it?" Ruthie, who was sitting in a rickety wicker rocking chair and sipping a cherry cola, asked worriedly.

Bigfoot placed his hand on her slender shoulder. "I hate to get anyone's hopes up, because we all know how Teal and his bunch are. I think it's going to take a lot to make Teal leave Suiza alone for good."

"I still think we should have gone ourselves to give those Rumblers a good poundin'!" Handyman insisted, slamming his fist on Scam's already shaky coffee table.

"Hey, those friends of Oolong got their friend back, plus put all of 'em in the hospital! The five-minute wonder may not be that strong, but he sure has some powerful buddies. It'll be a few days before Teal can start any trouble again, and that'll give us some time to turn the five-minute wonder into a real-shape-shifter—" Scam stopped speaking when he heard several knocks at his door. "Come in!" he bellowed.

The door burst open, and Sassy, in her canine form, firmly escorted a nervous Oolong (in his true form) inside. He smiled sheepishly at the Leathernecks, uncertain of his welcome.

"So it's true then," Scam commented with a grin. "You really are a pig!"

Sassy flung a nearby empty beer can at his head. Scam dodged just in time.

"He is cute," Blue commented, purring. Oolong blushed.

"Hey-hey there," Oolong stuttered.

Scam smirked, calling out, "So, Oolong, you're finally gonna learn how to shape-shift for longer periods of time, eh?"

"Yeah," Oolong said uneasily. "I don't know, if I can do it, but I'll do anything to win Suiza back."

"We'll help ya, Oolong, but please, no more of your two million 'potty breaks'!" Handyman insisted.

"Yeah, it was a good thing we canceled that bulk order for adult diapers, eh?" Scam joked. Sassy chucked another empty beer can at his head.

"But we can keep the order on for extra catnip," Handyman teased, and he too was rewarded with an empty beer can from Sassy.

"How have you been, Oolong?" Ruthie asked warmly, with a sweet smile, as Sassy led Oolong to the patched ottoman next to Ruthie's rocking chair, another one of Scam's "rare finds"; this one had been "borrowed" from a nearby farm.

Oolong hesitantly sat down. After hearing Oolong sit down next to her, she turned her blank eyes the best that she could towards his direction.

"Been surviving," he told her gruffly. "I'm just glad Puar's okay."

"So are we," Ruthie said sadly. "Poor kitty. But she will recover?"

"She will," Oolong assured with more confidence than he felt. "She's tough."

"She should be, having to pose as you half the time," Scam commented. "Now, just tell us this: did that kitty friend of yours ever kiss Suiza?"

"Scam!" Sassy, Blue, and Ruthie exclaimed in shock.

"No! It was me that was kissing her!" Oolong protested.

"Just checkin'," Scam chuckled, dodging a swat from Blue's swift hand.

"So, why didn't ya finish shape-shifting school?" Handyman wanted to know.

Oolong blushed in embarrassment. Before he could reply, Sassy interrupted, "I told ya already, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, right…he cheated on his final exam."

"How can ya cheat on a shape-shifting exam?" Scam asked.

"Almost the same way that you cheated on your driving test when you had Handyman pose as you!" Sassy retorted.

"Hey, it would have worked, if Handyman hadn't tried to put the moves on the instructor!"

"It's not my fault; I thought she wanted me!" Handyman insisted, waving his hands in protest. "How was I supposed to know that that gorgeous teach was winking at me only because she had something caught in her eye?"

"Enough, guys, c'mon!" Bigfoot ordered. "I thought we were all here to help Oolong extend his shape-shifting time. Okay, Oolong, we all are going to show you our natural forms; I know you've already seen Sassy's."

"But before we do, you've gotta promise that you keep your mouth shut about what you're 'bout to see," Scam insisted. He looked squarely at Oolong, "Very few outside of our group knows our true forms, and for privacy's sake, we prefer to keep it that way."

"But haven't some of you guys been arrested before?" Oolong asked. "I mean, wouldn't the cops already know what you really are?"

"Not, if they arrested us in our human forms," Handyman said with a wink. "How do you think we still keep getting away with stuff?"

"Yeah, why do you think my businesses are still thriving?" Scam asked.

"Yeah, really thriving, Scam," Blue scoffed. "That's why you're still living here, right?"

"Hey, I'm saving my dough for a swankier joint," Scam replied. "By next year, I'll living high on the hog—oops, uh, sorry, Oolong—well, y'all know what I mean. Anyway, my Blue Baby, next year you can move in with me and live in the classier accommodations that ya deserve. I'll be able to really take care of ya then." He danced his fingers along her bare shoulders.

Blue rolled her eyes. Scam had been making her promises like that for years, but she never took him seriously. She liked him more than what she was willing to admit, but because of Scam's inability (or possible unwillingness) to hold a steady job that didn't involve "getting rich quick", she never allowed herself to care for him other than as a friend and occasional bed partner.

"Let's just show Oolong our real forms," she insisted all too quickly.

And before Oolong's astonished eyes, Bigfoot's body expanded and transformed him a huge, hairy bear. Blue shrank into her Siamese cat form, and Scam stretched himself into a weasel (Oolong believed that shape suited Scam perfectly). Handyman burped loudly before changing into a toad, and Ruthie, to Oolong's mild surprise, turned into a Siberian husky like Sassy, only much smaller.

"Surprised?" Bigfoot asked.

"All except for Scam's form," Oolong admitted nervously.

Scam glared at Oolong. "And just what are you implying?"

"That your form is perfectly suited to who you are," Blue answered in a smooth tone that held both contempt and admiration at the same time.

"I am curious, though," Oolong wondered. "If Ruthie is blind, how was she able to learn shape-shifting?"

Suddenly the room was too quiet, and Oolong gulped. Finally, Ruthie herself replied:

"I was in my final year of shape-shifting school when I became sick. It just started with chills and a high fever and a really stiff neck, but it quickly became worse. I became so sick that Sassy took me to the hospital. It was meningitis, and one of the really bad kinds. I survived—barely, but the meningitis took my sight completely in just a couple of months."

"I'm sorry," Oolong whispered.

Ruthie was too, but she, like Sassy, was very proud, and she didn't like to be pitied. Pity would break her down. "I have adjusted, and with my sister's and my friends' help, I was able to finish school. Now I'm taking classes at a college for the blind, so I can become more independent." She sighed a doglike sigh, not wanting to elaborate further on her condition. "But anyway, Oolong, I-I think you've been good for Suiza, even though you should have told her the truth from the beginning. She's learned how to laugh and have fun again, thanks to you." She smiled dreamily. "She says that with you, life was never dull."

"It shouldn't have been, considering that he had to _go potty_ every five minutes," Scam quipped, and he dodged another oncoming empty beer can from Sassy. Feeling lucky, he continued with a grin, "And we hope you offered Puar hazard pay."

Oolong winced and looked down, ashamed, and Sassy noticing his sorrow, patted him on his shoulder—just before hurling a _full_ can of beer at Scam.

* * *

_Ten days later at Sassy and Ruthie's small cottage…_

"One hour? That's all he can hold a shape for is _one_ hour? After all the _many_ hours of training we've done with him?" Scam, in his weasel form, exclaimed to Sassy, who was lighting up a blueberry-flavored cigar.

"Give him a break, Scam. It's more that what we hoped for," Sassy, in her canine form, insisted, as she sat at her ancient kitchen table and started to take a puff of her cigar. But before she could do so, Scam nimbly plucked it out of her hand and crushed it into an ashtray.

"Bad for your baby, Sass!" he scolded her.

"I'm down to one a day!" Sassy protested. "And the vet says my baby's fine."

"He's right, Sassy," Ruthie, also in her dog form, insisted, as she sipped a glass of chocolate milk. "You're almost close to term. In fact, it'd be better, if you quit those things altogether."

"Don't you think I want to? I've been trying to cut down!"

"And you've done a good job at this point," Ruthie acknowledged in a soothing tone. "But you still have to think of your child, and—" Her lecture was interrupted by a doorbell.

"BRRRINNNG!"

"Who is it?" Scam yelled, just before he gulped down his fourth beer for the morning.

"Oolong—and Puar."

"Come in!" Sassy insisted. "I can't wait to meet this Puar."

Oolong and Puar joined them at the table. Scam sauntered over to Oolong and grinned. "So you're Oolong's double, eh?" He lightly ran a weasel finger along Puar's arm. Puar blushed uncomfortably.

"Never again!" Puar huffed indignantly, and everyone laughed.

Scam grinned. "Oolong said you were smart, but he sure didn't say you were cute. Much cuter than when you play your pal there. Say how's about you and me—" He stopped his speech after Sassy tossed a box of cereal at his head.

"Um…are you forgetting about Blue?" Sassy growled.

Scam shrugged. "Blue's out seeing that fancy-schmancy owner of that new sushi bar. Apparently, she's still mad at me for not taking that job there, but I'm not chopping up dead fish for a living for minimum wage. I'm a tattooist, not a cook!"

"But you have no objection digging dead fish out of trash cans, now do you?" Sassy snapped. "Just take that job until you get your tattooing license reinstated; you should be able to soon enough. If you start earning some regular dough again, maybe Blue would start taking your promises to her seriously."

"Yes, Scam, and please stop tattooing without a license," Ruthie implored him. "If something happens, and you're caught—"

"Ruthie, I have to make a living, license or not," Scam insisted. "I'm very good at what I do. I've never had a problem." And casually dismissing the subject with a wave of a paw, he grinned at Puar again. "So, how about us on Friday night…at that sushi bar? I've always had a soft spot for felines."

"Don't fall for it, Puar," Oolong told her. "He's just trying to make Blue jealous."

"Stay out of this, you one-hour wonder!" Scam barked. "If Blue can see anyone she wants, then so can I!"

"Um, I'm sorry, Scam," Puar stammered. "But I'm going to have to decline." But then her voice grew firmer, remembering Scam's insult. "And Oolong has made a lot of progress! Sure, he's not going to master shape shifting fully before his race with Teal, but he's been training day and night, all so he can win Suiza back! He has plenty of faults, but—at least lately, lack of courage isn't one of them. Actually, I'm—MEOWW!"

A rain of shattering glass fell upon everyone in Sassy's kitchen, with a paper-wrapped brick smashing into Ruthie's shoulder, just before Ruthie could take cover under the table. She screamed at the impact of the brick.

"Look after my sis, Scam!" Sassy ordered, jumping up from the table. "I bet anything its Teal and his bunch! Where's my bat? I'm teaching those bastards a lesson once and for all!"

Puar and Scam were under the table with a terrified Ruthie, with both of them inspecting Ruthie's shoulder. Ruthie was shaking and crying, as Puar meowed some soft words of comfort. Scam had his arm around Ruthie.

"It's going to be okay, Ruthie," Scam whispered in an unusually soothing tone, as he stroked her head. "Me an' Sassy's gonna take care of those buttholes. Puar, will you take care of Ruthie 'til Sass and I come back?"

"Sure, but you two aren't going to fight those guys, are you?" Puar squeaked.

"Hell yeah we are! I'm lookin' for my switchblade right now!" Scam started to crawl out from under the table, but Ruthie grabbed the sleeve of his denim jacket.

"No, Scam," Ruthie pleaded. "Please don't. I don't want you and Sassy to get hurt—"

"HEY PIGGY! WE KNOW YOU'S IN THERE!" Teal yelled from outside. "And your hired thugs ain't around to stop us now, are they?"

"Get it through your thick pig skull!" Hatchet's voice followed. "Ya ain't gonna win, and ya ain't gonna have Suiza! Suiza's is Teal's woman, and it's 'bout time you and the rest of your buddies realized it!"

"Yeah, and Suiza'll see that I'm the man for her, and she'll drop that dumb restraining order 'gainst me!" Teal shouted. "Alright, so I can't go near her, but that order ain't stoppin' me from comin' after you! Oh, by the way, Piggy, read that note we sent ya!"

"Let's go, Scam!" Sassy insisted, holding her metal bat, as she stormed towards the door.

"Right behind ya, Sass! It's only Teal and Hatchet this time! We can take those two! With you and me together, Hatchet's nothin'!"

"There won't be much of Teal once we're through with him! He's gonna pay for what he did to our friends and my sister!"

"Guys, wait!" Oolong yelled.

"Stay here and look after the girls!" Scam ordered him. "This is me and Sass's fight!"

"But—" Oolong insisted, but both Scam and Sassy paid him no mind, as they dashed out of Sassy's rickety kitchen door.

"Oolong!" Puar screamed from under the table. "Look at this!" She waved the paper that had been tied to the brick at him.

Oolong gasped, as he read the words, written in sharp block letters:

"_DEAR MR. PIGGY,_

_GO FIND YA A MISS PIGGY AND DITCH SUIZA ONCE AND FOR ALL! TELL YOU WHAT—IF YOU AGREE TO NEVER SEE SUIZA AGAIN, YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT RACING ME AND WE'LL LEAVE YOU AND YOUR PALS ALONE. BUT IF YA REFUSE, PIGGY, AND YA LOSE—WELL WHAT WE DID TO YA AND PUAR'S GONNA BE MINOR COMPARED TO WHAT WE'LL DO LATER._

_FORGET ABOUT WINNING MY WOMAN OVER, PIGGY. YOU CAN'T WIN AGAINST ME IN THAT RACE, AND YA KNOW IT! SO JUST DROP OUT AND LET SUIZA BE WITH ME, WHERE SHE BELONGS._

_WE'RE OUTSIDE, WAITING FOR YOUR DECISION, PIGLET. MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!_

_TEAL"_

Oolong started to shake—at first with fear—but then, with a growing anger. He was tired of being bullied, of being weak. He snatched the note out of Puar's hand and crumpled it into a ball. He threw it to the floor hard and stomped on it. His fists were clenched, and his nostrils were flaring.

"Puar," he said quietly and firmly. "Would you be willing to do me just one more favor?"

Puar gulped, her face looking back and forth frantically between the resolute Oolong and the frightened, crying Ruthie. "What is it?"

"I know that after you got back from Dende's Lookout, I promised that I would never ask you to assist me in any more of my plans, but, Puar…would you consider letting me go back on that promise…for one last time?"

* * *

"Get lost, Teal!" Sassy (in her human form) ordered, as she swung her bat menacingly towards the direction of Teal's motorcycle. 

"That's right, or we'll give you somethin' that you'll never forget," Scam, also in his human form, hissed, brandishing his switchblade.

Teal merely crossed his arms and smiled. "So, where are the rest of your buddies?"

"They're on their way," Scam lied easily.

"Well, they better get here soon, 'cause it's gonna be one big party!" Teal insisted. "Hey boys, c'mon out!"

And to Sassy and Scam's shock, the rest of the Rumblers emerged from around the house. Sassy and Scam gulped, and they realized their horrific mistake the moment they saw all twelve members of the Rumblers.

"Okay, boys, have fun with our hosts!" Teal called to his members serenely.

Beerbell shouted and laughed, flashing his switchblade and licking the tip. "We sure will, Teal!"

Sassy swore a violent stream of words under her breath. "What in the hell was I thinking? Me almost due, and I go charging out here like an idiot!"

Scam hovered near his friend protectively. "Don't worry, Sass; I won't let 'em harm you or your baby. But ya gotta make a run for it!"

"I'm not leaving Ruthie or the others!" Sassy insisted, as the crowd of rough, muscled, and tattooed Rumbler men began to close in on them.

"Everyone stop, please!"

"OOLONG?" Sassy exclaimed.

"Crap! He's dead for sure! Why did that moron leave the girls and come out here!" Scam hissed.

Oolong came dashing out onto the lawn next to Sassy and Scam. "I want to talk to Teal before this fight begins," Oolong insisted.

"Have you lost your mind?" Sassy exclaimed. "Go back inside!"

"No," Oolong said in a strangely brave tone. "I want to talk to Teal."

"Make it fast, piglet," Teal ordered, favoring Oolong with a malicious smile.

"Teal, I want the fighting to stop," Oolong insisted, leaving the astonished Sassy and Scam to approach the Rumbler leader directly. "Your problem is with me, not them."

"Oolong, get back inside!" Scam snapped. "Did you get hit _that_ hard in the head yesterday when I was working with you? Bigfoot was right; I should have taken you home after that!"

Oolong ignored him. "I will _still_ race you, Teal, but if I win, you have to agree to leave Suiza and her friends alone for good. And leave Puar and me alone as well. Is it a deal?"

Teal sneered. "I suppose so, piglet. Not that you'll win. But step aside now, pork chops, 'cause me and my buds got a score to settle with your two Leatherneck pals."

"Teal, Sassy is pregnant," Oolong said suddenly. "Look, surely not even you nor your friends want to fight a pregnant woman."

"Sassy brought this on herself," Teal growled. "Now butt out, piglet!"

"Hey, no offense, Teal, but if Sassy is preggers, I can't hurt her," Hatchet told his leader. "I'm sorry, man, but I can't go after her. I'll get Scam for ya, but not Sassy."

"He's right, Teal," Beerbell added. "I ain't 'bout to hit a pregnant lady."

More murmurs of agreement came from the other Rumblers. Even though most of them had no problems with hitting or terrorizing most people, they had their limits. A few of the Rumblers were fathers themselves.

Teal growled under his breath, but even he knew when he was outnumbered. "Fine!" he snapped. "Forget about Sassy. Just go after Scam—and Piggy!"

"Piggy and Scam-boy are gonna go down!" Hatchet shouted, quickly getting back into the spirit of things.

"Go back inside, Sassy," Scam ordered.

"I can't leave you and Oolong alone," Sassy protested.

"He's right, Sassy, go inside. I promise you it will be okay. A friend of mine's coming soon—very powerful friend."

"One of your buddies?" Sassy asked.

Oolong grinned. "You'll see!"

And just as the Rumblers started racing towards the trio, a booming voice came out of nowhere:

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, BOTHERING MY FRIENDS?"

All the Rumblers skidded to a halt, and some fell to their knees at the sight of the strongest man on Earth.

Well, actually, it was only who they thought was the strongest man on Earth—but what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them—yet.

"HERCULE!" all the Rumblers shouted.

"That's right!" Hercule shouted with his hands on his hips. "My best buddy, Oolong, gave me a call, and I came as soon as I could! You know you guys—all of you—have made me _really_ mad!" And for emphasis, he smashed his fist into Sassy's mailbox.

"Hey!" Sassy exclaimed.

"Calm down, babe, I'll buy you a new one!" Hercule assured her, strutting amongst the awestruck Rumblers confidently. "Now I want to know why you guys are pickin' on my buddy, Oolong?"

"Oolong stole Teal's girl, Suiza, just when Teal was about to get her back!" Beerbell protested.

"Didn't Suiza already break up with Teal?" Hercule asked reproachfully, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, sure, she did, but—" Hatchet's reply was cut off by Hercule's waving hand.

"Then Suiza was free to see whoever she wanted, right? She and Teal weren't married, were they? Now then, I'm going tell you boys something: leave Oolong and the Leathernecks alone, or else!"

Trembling on his motorcycle, Teal was about to ask, "Or else what?" but even he was mesmerized by the appearance of Hercule. "C'mon, Hercule, we wouldn't have really hurt Piggy—I mean Oolong and his pals. We were just tryin' to scare 'em, that's all."

"Yeah, like you were just trying to scare Oolong and Puar, right?" Hercule sneered, storming over towards Teal. None of the Rumblers dared to challenge Earth's hero, as he came to a halt in front of Teal. Teal, whose face had turned white, looked around at his friends for help, but no one, not even Hatchet or Beerbell, stepped in to save him.

"As for _you, _Teal, Oolong will still race you, 'cause I didn't teach him to be no coward—well, at least not in the past couple of weeks—but you will honor your promise never to bother him, Suiza, or any of their friends again—got it?"

Teal's entire body was trembling, as he nodded. "Yeah, yeah, sure thing."

"Good, and this is just to let you know that I'm serious!" And after that speech, Hercule gave Teal's motorcycle a mighty shove. Before Teal could steady himself, he and his bike toppled over into the mud.

Hercule then turned towards the other Rumblers. "Now all of you has got three minutes to get the hell out of here—or I'm really gonna get you all! What I did to Cell's gonna be minor compared to what I'll do to you all, if you don't split! And you bums know that you are _nothing_ compared to me and Cell, so…get lost!"

And to the astonishment of Sassy and Scam, all of the Rumblers hastily fled to their motorcycles and climbed aboard. Hatchet hurriedly helped Teal and his motorcycle off of the ground. Within _two_ minutes, instead of three, all of the Rumblers, including Hatchet, Teal, and Beerbell sped away in a cloud of dust, mud, and gravel.

* * *

Then, after the Rumblers all had left, Hercule dropped his swagger and crept over to Oolong and gently hugged her. 

Yes, _her._

"Thanks, Puar," Hercule said softly. "I really appreciate this. I know it wasn't easy for you to face Teal again."

"PUAR?" Sassy and Scam exclaimed.

"So, where in the hell was Oolong all this time?" Scam demanded to know.

Paying them no mind, "Oolong" whispered, "No, no, it wasn't, but it did feel good for us to finally stand up to Teal and his bunch. Oolong, you've done yourself proud today."

"OOLONG?" Sassy and Scam cried.

"BOM!"

Hercule was gone, and a grinning Oolong stood in his place. He allowed a few moments for the shock to wear off, and then he asked modestly, "So, how did I do?"

"Do?" Scam asked slowly, as he stepped towards Oolong. He then slapped Oolong hard on his back. "You did…GREAT!"

"He's right, Oolong!" Sassy insisted. "You tricked even Scam and me! You _did_ put what we taught you to good use! Suiza's gonna be so proud of ya—once she finds out the truth, that is!"

The mention of Suiza sobered Oolong's pride and enthusiasm. "When is she coming back from her cousin's?" he asked.

"Not until next week," Sassy admitted. "She just needed some time to get herself together, Oolong, that's all. But she's recovering, and yet…she's lonely. She really misses ya, wishes she hadn't broken things off. Don't tell her I told you this, but she's gonna talk to you when she comes back. She's got some really important stuff to tell you, and it's about time."

"Like what?" Oolong asked.

"That's between you two, but trust me, it's gonna make things a whole lot better between you two crazy kids," Sassy insisted. She put her arms around Oolong and guided him towards the front door. She looked back at a trailing Scam and asked, "Hey, Scam, when Suize gets back, we need to ask her about to adding a couple of new Leathernecks to our crew."

"Are you serious?" Oolong asked.

"You want us to join?" Puar, now back in feline form, asked in shock.

Scam chuckled, swinging his arm around Puar before she could prevent him. "Yeah, we do. Shape shifters need to stick together, ya know."

"Yeah, Oolong, and you're welcome to join us anytime," Sassy said, as her eyes fell upon her door. "Only one thing though, Oolong…"

"Sure, Sass, anything."

"You're paying to fix my mailbox, _Hercule_!"


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven: The Race**

"Sass, when can I take this blindfold off?"

"Just be patient, Suize; we're almost there."

"What is this about?"

"It's a surprise, Suize!" Scam crowed from the backseat, as he started to a light a banana-flavored cigar, but Sassy abruptly yanked it out of his hand and tossed it out the window.

"Oh no! I'm not allowing myself to be tempted; you can wait until we get out of the car!"

"Sass, I'm not the one who's preggers!" Scam protested.

"Look, Scam," Sassy said as patiently as possible, as she turned the wheel of her car. "I've just gone _one_ week without smoking, so try to give me some support, please!"

"And this from someone that we've been _insisting_ should quit smoking," Handyman, sitting next to Ruthie, who was sitting next to Scam, snickered.

"Be nice," Ruthie scolded him. "We should be proud of Sassy for stopping."

"And for going this long," Suiza added, patting Sassy's arm. "So…hey, guys, where's Bigfoot and Blue?"

"He's bringing the surprise," Scam replied with a grin.

"So before we see this surprise…what have you guys been up to while I was gone?" Suiza wanted to know.

Some chuckles and snickers followed from the backseat and were only silenced by Sassy's menacing glare towards the back.

"Um…is everything okay?" Suiza asked, smoothing her blouse over her now-humanoid torso.

"Everything will be _fine_," Sassy assured her too easily.

"Oh…I'm sure…um, hey, have any of you guys seen or heard from Oolong lately?"

An abrupt silence followed her question. "Yeah, we've seen him around," Sassy replied finally. "He's doin' okay, really."

"That's good. Teal and his gang hasn't bothered him or you all lately, have they?"

Scam was about to answer, but Sassy shook her head wildly at him. She didn't want Suiza to know of their last encounter with the Rumblers just yet. "We've been fine, no probs," Sassy replied calmly.

Suiza slowly allowed her chin to slide to her chest, and she sighed heavily. She said aloud, more to herself than to her friends, "I really screwed up this one, didn't I?"

"What do you mean?" Sassy asked, as if she didn't already know.

"Oolong and me…I chickened out on him…and myself."

"Suize, c'mon," Scam said, putting his human hand on her human shoulder. "You were just trying to protect him; I'm sure he understands."

"I…just didn't want him to get hurt any more than he already had…I'm tired of Teal trying to dictate how I'm going to live!"

"Then don't let him," Sassy insisted, running her hand through her human auburn hair. "Look, Suize, you've got a restraining order against him now, and we won't let anything happen to you…or Oolong."

"If Oolong's the guy you want, we'll help ya," Scam promised her.

"That's right," Handyman agreed companionably, as he started to open a can of beer. Sassy spotted him through her mirror, just before he succeeded.

"Oh no! You too can wait, Handyman! I'm not getting busted 'cause of the open container laws! That's just what I need: to give birth in jail!"

"You wouldn't actually have to—" Handyman started, but Scam shook his head at him.

Suiza smiled, the first real smile she had shown in a long time. "Thanks, guys; you all are the best! I do miss Oolong…his sense of humor, his honesty, even his numerous potty breaks."

Scam and Handyman chuckled and snickered until Sassy glared at them again.

"Suiza," Sassy told her seriously, "I think the next time you see Oolong…you should tell him the truth and let him see your real self."

Suiza sighed, but another genuine smile showed. "You're right, Sass. I've been doin' a lot of thinkin' while I was at my cousin's. She and I talked…'bout Aunt Louisa…'bout Teal, Oolong, everything. She agreed with you guys: I should have told Oolong the truth from the start. Maybe I should have even told Teal when we first started dating…it might have discouraged us from going any further…and prevented this mess."

"Nah, it's better that Teal never knew about your true form," Sassy told her. "If he had found out and didn't take the news well, things could have become nasty."

"And you guys are telling me to tell Oolong the truth?" Suiza exclaimed in sudden distress.

"Oolong isn't Teal," Handyman reminded her. "Sure he can be a bit wimpy and slow sometimes, but he's not a bad guy. He does love ya and would give up that panty collection that we found out about for ya. We kinda misjudged him, but we like him now—"

"And his friend, Puar! Man, is she one hot kitty!" Scam purred, licking his lips.

Suiza scolded from the front, "And what about Blue?"

Scam sighed. "You're as bad as Sassy! Look, if Blue can see Mr. Sushi, then I can see whomever I want!"

"You're not even trying to win her back," Sassy scolded him.

"I would be, but, in case you've forgotten, I've been helping Oolong—" Scam covered his mouth in horror, as he stopped mid-sentence.

"Helping Oolong do what?" Suiza asked.

"Control his bladder," Handyman cracked, and he and Scam both laughed. The women in the car sighed, as Sassy neared a dusty field to park her aircar.

"Seriously!" Suiza insisted.

"He was serious," Scam insisted, grinning. "We've been supplyin' Oolong with Depends!" He and Handyman laughed again, and Sassy would have thrown something at both of them, if she hadn't had to land her aircar.

"I know somethin's going on here," Suiza said, annoyed. "Will someone tell me what's _really_ going on? Can I finally take this blindfold off?"

"We don't know. _Can_ ya?" Handyman cracked, and he and Scam chuckled.

"That's it; no more beer for you two morons," Sassy scolded, as she finally landed her aircar.

* * *

"Hey, how I'm supposed to race Teal with this thing over my eyes?"

"Just relax, will you, Oolong? You'll have it off before the race, I promise."

"I hope so," Oolong, in his Nappa-look-alike form, told Bigfoot worriedly. "I hope that this race will stay under two hours, or else I'm in trouble."

"It shouldn't even last an hour, should it, Bigfoot?" Puar, floating near the blindfolded Oolong, asked.

"I don't think so, Puar," Bigfoot, in his human form, told her, as he guided Oolong along the dusty ground.

"Well, he _can_ keep his shape for two hours now," Blue said smoothly. She then whispered into Bigfoot's ear, "It was more than what we had hoped for."

"So how are you and Mr. Sushi—oh no, I mean Mr. Ching, doing these days?" Oolong asked.

Blue smiled. "He's everything I hoped for."

"Don't you miss Scam?" Bigfoot asked.

"He hasn't _exactly_ tried to win me back, has he, so why should I care?" Blue scoffed. "And everyone _please_ stop calling my new man Mr. Sushi—it was Scam, of course, who came up with that idiotic name. I bet that oaf is jealous!"

"If he is, he must still care for ya," Bigfoot told her.

"Look, Scam and I never dated seriously; everyone knows that. I wouldn't have minded getting serious with him, but he has no ambitions beyond making a quick buck and getting into fights. For once, I'd like a guy who's steady and treats me like a lady."

"Well, if it helps," Oolong told her, "Scam finally got his tattooing license reinstated. He's legit now. He can reopen his tattooing parlor."

"About time!" Blue declared, as she tossed her human blue-black hair.

"He's really not so bad," Oolong told her. "Sure he's a weasel, but—"

"HEY, OOLONG!"

Oolong tried to turn towards the direction of the call, but Bigfoot told him, "Looks like some of _your_ buddies showed up to support you today. I'll let ya take the blindfold off just for a min to look."

Oolong carefully lifted the blindfold from his eyes—and to his shock, saw Master Roshi, Krillin, and Juuhachigou, along with Candy, Umigame, and baby Kane. To his greater shock, he saw Bulma, Chichi, Yamucha, Gohan—and Goku! Oolong's friends were piling out of Bulma's giant Capsule Corp. helicopter.

"We came to see ya give that Teal a taste of his own medicine!" Yamucha called to Oolong, waving.

"Give 'em hell!" Bulma ordered, raising her fist.

"You can do it, Oolong!" Goku cheered.

"Do it for Suiza!" Krillin shouted.

"Do it for both of you!" Juuhachigou added.

Oolong smiled and blushed. He had never believed his friends would care so much about him.

"Hey, why were you wearing a blindfold?" Gohan wanted to know.

"We've got a _surprise_ for him!" Bigfoot called back. "Okay, Oolong, you've seen your pals, now let's put the blindfold back on." He ignored Oolong's groans, as he slid the blindfold over his eyes once more.

While Bigfoot was guiding Oolong again, Yamucha kept his eyes glued on the beautiful Blue, who was wearing a silvery silk dress that blended perfectly with her long hair. "Man, is she a babe," he whispered to Krillin. "I've got to see, if Oolong or Puar can get us hooked up."

He grinned sheepishly towards Blue's direction, and she smirked and winked at him. Yamucha grinned back, and then he whispered to Roshi, "Is she available?"

Before Roshi could answer, Sassy, the blindfolded Suiza, and the rest of the Leathernecks finally reached Oolong and his new friends. Sassy winked and gestured at Bigfoot, who escorted Oolong closer to Suiza. Sassy guided her best friend towards Oolong.

"Okay, _now_ you guys may remove your blindfolds," Sassy instructed with an evil grin.

Suiza slowly peeled her blindfold off of her face, while Oolong eagerly snatched his away.

"SUIZA?"

"OOLONG?"

Hesitantly, Oolong opened his arms, and a stunned Suiza tottered towards him, still not believing her eyes. Shakily, she slid her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder, as Oolong scooped her up.

"I've-I've missed you, Ooos," she stammered.

"Sa-same here."

"Whatcha been up to?"

"Well…I…" Oolong started to come up with a plausible answer, feeling bad about having to tell another untruth to the woman he knew he loved.

"Hey, Oolong, getting' awful cozy with my Suiza, aren't ya?"

Everyone turned around and gasped, even though they were expecting this visitor.

"Can it, Teal!" Sassy roared. "We can summon Hercule anytime!"

Beerbell and Hatchet, who were behind Teal, visibly flinched, but Teal shrugged and drew himself up. "We ain't seen him around here lately!"

"Um, T-Teal, maybe it's not so much Hercule that we should worry about now," Hatchet stuttered, pointing in the direction of Oolong's non-Leatherneck friends. Krillin, Juuhachigou, and Yamucha looked at them menacingly with crossed arms.

Beerbell gulped. "T-Teal, man, may-maybe we should just leave Oolong and the others alone from now on, huh? L-let Oolong have Suize. He's got some dangerous friends. First those hired thugs of his, and then Hercule—" He stopped abruptly when Teal cuffed him.

"_You_ can 'just leave Oolong and the others alone', but _I'm_ not done with them! I've got a race to finish. Alright, Oolong, ya better be ready 'cause I _ain't_ goin' easy on ya!"

"Hah," Oolong said as bravely as he could, as he released Suiza. "You better hope that _I_ go easy on _you_!"

Everyone gasped, and Suiza was afraid for her boyfriend. "Oolong, what you are gonna do?"

Oolong gathered what extra courage he could, as he tried to keep from shaking. He said as calmly as possible, "I'm going to race Teal today—so he'll leave all of us alone once and for all."

Suiza seized Oolong and shook him by his biceps. "What the _hell_ are you thinking?" She then turned to her fellow Leathernecks. "Did you guys know about this the whole time?"

Not one of the Leathernecks dared to say a word, even though Handyman and Scam were trying not to grin.

"Suiza, relax, Oolong's got this under control," Bigfoot assured her all too easily, holding out his hands in an unsuccessful attempt to appease her.

Suiza glared at Teal and shook her fists. "You better play fair this time, you bastard! None of your dirty tricks!"

"Relax, Suiza, baby," Teal promised smoothly. "I won't need them, considering who I'm racin' against! C'mon, boys; let's get my bike revved up." Before he turned to leave with his friends, Teal called to Suiza, "Once this race is over, you're gonna see who's _really_ worthy of ya, and then maybe you'll drop that stupid restraining order! Like you really needed it! I never hit or threatened you!"

"No, you just harassed her and stalked her, not allowin' her to move on without ya!" Sassy hissed.

"She didn't _need_ to move on!" Teal insisted. "She had _me_!"

"And I don't want you again—_ever_!" Suiza growled. "No matter who wins today, I will _never_ get back together with you. We are _through_; we have been for a long time! Move on, Teal!"

Teal smiled and shook his head calmly, as if Suiza didn't know what she was saying. "I will move on—but only over Oolong!" He looked around at his friends, and his buddies laughed and snickered because they knew it was expected of them.

"Oolong," Suiza said softly. "You don't have to do this. You understand? You don't have to prove _anything_ to me."

Oolong's eyes were suspiciously moist. He swallowed hard, and then he leaned towards her and took her chin into his hand. Very gently, he kissed her.

"Yes, I do. And…I have something to prove to myself."

* * *

"Well," Roshi told Candy, as he held her and their son close to him. "At least that Harley of ours is being put to good use."

Candy nodded, unusually pensive, as she cradled a sleeping baby Kane close to her heart. She and Roshi watched a young blond girl swish her hips, as she walked towards the middle of the crudely made racing track, unofficially named "Bloodstone Road", which was nothing more, really, than a dirt trail, but right now it was a mud trail because of recent rains. (Bloodstone Road had been dubbed after the former leader of the Rumblers, Har Bloodstone. After Har had been sent to prison for twenty years for burglary and assault, he had turned his leadership over to Teal, his then-second-in-command.)

"Who's that?" she asked.

Yamucha, standing next to her replied, "Some girl named Rhythm; she's a girlfriend of one of Teal's crew."

Rhythm, wrapped in a form-fitting red silk dress, strolled past the four, as she made her way to the field. She smiled and winked at the men, even though Yamucha had been among those who had attacked her gang a while back. Roshi gazed at the girl's curvy figure, nodding approvingly. A tiny pool of drool was forming on the corner of his lip. Of course, he freely viewed the deep cleavage that Rhythm's dress had purposely failed to conceal.

"Oh, yeah…" he murmured too loudly.

Candy smacked his head hard with her free hand. "Can we focus on Oolong instead, please?" she snapped.

"Ow! Oh, yeah, right, sure, of course, Candy, I was just—"

Yamucha shook his head and smiled. "Master Roshi, I wouldn't say anything more, if I were you."

Rhythm was now standing in the middle of the field, waving two red scarves freely in the wind. She announced with surprising confidence in her voice, "I'm sure you all know the rules here. They're very simple: winner just has to make it back here before the other one does—at this finish line."

She nodded towards a line in front of her that had been hastily drawn with still-wet black paint. Both Oolong and Teal were on their motorcycles, with Teal smirking at Oolong, who was doing his best to hide his nervousness.

"See you as road kill!" Teal hooted.

With a shaky grin, Oolong replied in a tone that sounded much braver than he felt, "Better hope you don't race yourself right back to that hospital room!"

Teal stabbed his middle finger towards Oolong, but Oolong merely shrugged.

Rhythm raised her hands holding the scarves into the air. The scarlet scarves danced boldly in the coming wind. With a flourish, they swooped down past Rhythm's waist, like descending birds. "Go!" she yelled.

Within seconds, Teal had sped away from Oolong, leaving him a cloud of debris. Oolong revved his engine, loving the feel of the Harley's leather seat beneath him. He started swiftly after Teal, catching up to him in no time.

The racers, staying within inches of each other, zoomed towards a grove of trees overlooking the "road". "Better hope the wild animals don't decide to have you for dinner, Piggy!" Teal taunted, as he moved just a couple of feet ahead of Oolong.

Oolong ignored him and sped even faster. No more words were spoken between him and Teal. The only sounds that could be heard now were birds singing and the motors purring, as the two racers zipped through the trees. The wind sprinkled red, gold, and still-green leaves at Oolong and Teal, but both of them pressed on.

Suddenly, they rushed out of the woods and came upon a gray stone bridge over a shallow, but wide creek—which was only halfway rebuilt and held an "Under Construction" sign in front of it.

"Wait, Teal!" Oolong cried. "We can't go here!"

"Maybe _you_ can't, but _I_ can! See ya at the finish line, Piggy!"

And Teal and his motorcycle crashed through the "Under Construction" sign, breaking it into white and black fragments and boards. Teal's motorcycle whooshed up the intact part of the bridge and too easily flew over the creek and landed on the other side with the grace of a panther.

Oolong furrowed his brow. "Well, if he can do it, so can I!" And with that, Oolong sped over the same unfinished bridge. He chucked triumphantly, as he and his bike sailed over the creek.

But when he landed on the other side, he took a spill, toppling over on his side and plopping straight into a mud puddle! His knee scraped against a rock in the puddle.

"OW!" he wailed, as he struggled to his feet. He knew pigs were supposed to like mud, but he shook and brushed off as much of the offending muck as possible. He rubbed his sore elbow and knee. A hole encircled his knee on his leather pants. He tottered over to his bike and turned off the engine, so there would be no further damage.

Then he remembered Teal. "I've got to get back on!" he cried, as he pushed his still-running bike up out of the mud. Hastily, he climbed back on and started the engine once more. The motorcycle, thankfully, suffered no permanent damage and zoomed away, spitting from behind a shower of mud and gravel.

* * *

"Catching up a bit late, aren't ya, Piggy?" Teal taunted.

Oolong gasped in horror, as he realized that Teal was right. He and Teal could both see the finish line, nearly two hundred yards away. And Teal was _still_ way ahead of him.

Oolong had been speeding at ninety-miles an hour, but he decided to go up to the speedometer's limit—one-hundred-and-forty miles per hour!

"Haha, Piggy!" Teal boasted, looking back for only a second to gloat. "Hope that kiss you gave my woman was your kiss goodbye!"

"Don't count on it!" Oolong growled, as he quickly caught up to Teal. They were both at full speed on their bikes, and now they were nose-to-nose.

Teal snarled at Oolong and pressed the pedal of his motorcycle even deeper. "Ya ain't winnin, Piggy!"

"I'm not letting you hurt Suiza and my friends any more!" Oolong cried, as he pushed harder on his pedal.

* * *

Two little black boys were laughing and chasing a golden retriever, who had been playing in the creek earlier. Suddenly, a rabbit leapt out of the bush and darted past the boys and dog. The dog panted excited and dashed after the rabbit.

"No, Goldie, come back!" the older of the two boys screamed. "C'mon, Jimmy!"

"Come back, Goldie!" Jimmy cried, as he chased after his companion and Goldie.

* * *

The finish line was only twenty feet away.

Oolong and Teal were still speeding at the same pace, with neither racer gaining an advantage over the other. Teal cursed loudly, deep down fearing there might actually be a tie between him and "Piggy".

Oolong was breathing heavily, and his arms started to ache, but he refused to slow down his pace. He couldn't let Teal even gain an inch past him; the finish line was too close.

He could hear the cheers of everyone, the Rumblers rooting for Teal, but maligning him, and his own friends crying for his victory. He could see Suiza up ahead, thrusting her fists into the air and shrieking his name. Her blond mane whipped wildly about her, as if it were a cloak.

He bore down on his bike, determined to get the lead on Teal. He _had_ to win; he had no choice.

His eyes were on the finish line—and on Suiza.

He could only, _would_ only see Suiza and the finish line, but soon, he saw something else.

A gray rabbit, frantically running away from the eager golden retriever chasing it, was skipping directly into the path of Teal and Oolong. The dog pounced at it, but the rabbit dodged it and continued to outrun its pursuer.

And two little black boys, dressed in jeans and plaid shirts, were screaming in fear for the dog's life. The older of the boys stopped and waved at Teal and Oolong. The golden retriever was still in Teal and Oolong's way.

"Stop, please!" both boys cried. "Don't hit Goldie!"

Teal flicked his middle finger at both of them and continued to speed, but Oolong slammed his foot on the brake—which at a hundred-and-forty-miles an hour would prove a huge mistake.

The motorcycle skidded to an abrupt stop, but because the trail was muddy, it started to slide, and when the front wheel hit a rock, the entire motorcycle fell over to the side.

As the bike fell, Oolong was hurled from his seat, and his body soared through the wind.

"HELP!"

He decided to change into a bird, but it was already too late, for before he could begin his transformation, his head crashed into a nearby tree trunk. His forehead smashed into the bark, and after seeing darkness, he felt his body slide down, and he saw no more.

Goldie and the rabbit escaped with no harm.

Teal just kept on driving.


End file.
